I had a wonderful discussion today with a co-worker, also a fellow ADHD'er, about the disorder, and how so much of our self worth depends on the opinions of others. He's only 23, and I'm almost 55, but I see so much of me in him. At his age, my idea of getting ahead in a work setting, was having the boss publicly announce s/he liked me. After many jobs, and many different types of bosses, I have evolved and have become much more inner respective, and about having that work-life balance only now being openly discussed.
I keep trying to teach him about self-worth, and the only happiness in life is inner (aka being happy with yourself), but I'm not really sure he gets it. I'm never going to give up, because I never had someone to do that, and my self-worth has always suffered. I will say he has other disorders, but he's a good kid and someone I really want to be successful.
So, my question is this: How should I go about teaching him about self-worth without being "preachy" or coming across as a teacher- I just want to come across as a friend?
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NotAChevy
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I always tell anyone who is sort of seeking the motivation talks. You can do anything you want to do. I've always been kind of off and on with this. Because I also used say the opposite and I'd ask why would you want to try that?! It's dangerous or you might fail. Now when I think like that or start out saying anything like that .... I apologize ahead and say I'm sorry..... I've talked myself out if a lot of cool things and opportunities out of fear and doubt. Go for it whatever it is your thoughts or desires take you-you never know you could be the best (whatever) in the world.....you won't know if you don't try. Just stay positive with the chats..... that's mostly what everyone needs these days. And some people don't always need to know something or solve something right away.... At times they just need someone who listens.
Hello NotAChevy,This is so kind of you to offer what you wish you had.
One suggestion is to tell him directly what your goal is, how you wish someone had offered this to you. Tell him you don't want to be preachy and come up with something he can say to you if it feels that way.
Another thought, this is what I do with my adult kids, is to preface advice with "this is just a suggestion" or "what has worked for me is..." then give the information and repeat the first comment to close the idea. I often say "this is just a suggestion, do with it what you will" so they know they can take what works and leave the rest.
And when they have success point out that it's a big deal, say "I hope you can be proud of... that took a lot of work" or something like that. It gives permission to be proud of yourself, something rapidly extinguished in our school system.
That's my 2 cents hopefully something here works for you.
I love that you won't give up, I would tell them that too, it shows a deep understanding of how important support is.
Have fun and kudos to you for supporting the next generation, I hope you can be proud of that😁
I would tell him to talk to his doctor about DBT. This kind of therapy has been helping me to learn to accept where I am NOW, and strive to do better WITHOUT judgement on myself. I am just now learning this in my 40s. It is part of the age thing. I had to set my pride aside in my 20s and 30s to be able to reach out for help.
I would say probably the most valuable thing is to take an interest in him and his life, ask how he's doing, and how did it go with ______ (something he was worried about or excited about). And then he may feel able to open up and talk to you and ask for your opinion on a particular thing. You're not giving him the manifesto of how to love yourself lol in that preachy way you mentioned. But you're showing him that he's important to you and that can mean a lot to someone and may help him like himself. And when he asks you questions don't just say, yeah I'm ok...but open up about something on your mind, whatever you feel comfortable discussing, doesnt have to be a dark secret. Lol. Lead by example I guess is what I mean.
I love this! Self worth in my experience is so multifaceted. I think healthy boundary setting and learning how to respond in a healthy way with setting them when necessary is a big thing. Passive vs assertive vs aggressive communication styles, which understanding can help overcome self-doubt in delivery of communication. I wonder if there’s much opportunity for you to also model that at work? Self-efficacy is another, which includes really getting to know yourself and learning how to create your own interpersonal boundaries when it comes to weaning off the people pleasing so that you’re learning to advocate for your own needs first…. Of course whilst carefully balancing obligations and responsibilities.
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