I am 35, just diagnosed with ADHD combined type. I have done everything that was expected of me: married, graduated college, had the house and the dog.
Well at 29 I quit my job teaching, got a divorce and moved states.
After struggling for the last 6 years and now receiving this diagnosis, I am literally back living with my parents (who are amazing) and am telling people I’m taking a “gap” year but really I have no clue what I am to do.
I am dating this person again who has been gone on a work trip. To me it makes sense to wait for him to come back so we can plan together, he also has ADHD. I am nervous and these two months are going to be so difficult because I am just here.
I tell myself I am trying to learn my brain but my self worth is plummeting hardy. My sister told me I am geriatric which put me down a bad spiral.
Please help.
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Steak101
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Hello you beautiful ADHD goddess. Sounds like you are RSDing over your diagnosis. I also see you have a solid chunk of free time and no solid plan, this can be hard for ADHDrs. I have found podcasts very helpful in reframing my outlook. Try Distracted POD. They are adorable and a friend couple with adhd. On another note.......have you tried YOGA or walking (bilateral movement) or lifting as a daily practice, its so good for your brain and chemicals. Do some soul searching in your free time and maybe youll find your thing that makes your ability to hyperfocus (flow state?) engage. Follow your heart and know your not alone.
Yup. I hear you. I'm a 51yo male with a top MBA, a 20+ year career in corporate finance, and all the rest of it and I am trying desperately to hang on to my marriage for the sake of our two daughters. One is leaving for college in six weeks and the other has two years of high school left.
That's it for the quick intro for now, but there are some striking similarities I see between my situation and yours (as well as that of others), and I'd like to try to give you a different perspective to help you navigate and take better care of YOU. That is key here. Everyone else comes second, and I mean everyone. This is not a narcissistic thing; quite the contrary. It is about basic priorities and keeping them in check for ourselves so the rest of our lives make better sense and we can approach them in a much more productive manner, building toward happy.
All that said, I don't understand why, but likewise, once I got my diagnosis of a very advanced case of previously undiagnosed (and untreated) Adult ADHD, it was very hard to come to terms with it. In fact, I still struggle with acceptance, but I get a bit better every day. It's about the process, not the destination, although we do have to keep our eye on the process ball, if you will.
Oddly enough, just as things got a lot more difficult for me, my wife basically decided that she'd had enough and she's been nothing but hurtful to me as well, all the while projecting and accusing me of the same, etc. Yes, downward spiral. Basically, it's been close to two years of silent treatment from her and whenever she does speak to me, she rants and screams at me all the most hurtful stuff for ADHDers in an effort to force a divorce. Being a man of Faith, I have calmly explained to her four times now that despite her worst efforts at getting a rise out of me, I will not engage on that level and I will not grant her a divorce. Most of all, I will not let her get out of control like that in front of the girls.
So, going on a year now looking for work, getting nothing but negative feedback and no positive reinforcement nor words of encouragement whatsoever about the incredible progress I've made, I've had to learn to live by myself and for me first.
Don' t get me wrong, life with me has been no picnic and I do not blame her, but it does wear on one's RSD quite heavily to face that day in and day out. I'm being told by friends to divorce her for MY peace of mind, since she's incapable of hers, and there's nothing I can do to assuage that.
Enough about me, so what are the advantages and disadvantages for you relative to my situation?
For one, living with your parents and being taken care of is a huge leg up. I strongly encourage you to identify negative though patterns and challenge yourself through reading, podcasts, therapy, ADHD coaching, whatever works best for you (or combination thereof) to NOT let yourself dwell on things like your self-worth, self-esteem, etc. I can tell you that looking for work while still being 100% responsible for three mouths, a mortgage, etc. can present some really heavy days. Be thankful for the help you have, not the least of which is your parents understanding - Wow. that's huge! Excellent start, I must say.
The only disadvantage I do see, it that this support coin has another side, so it may be a bit more challenging for you to form new, constructive, productive and healthy habits due to a relative lack of urgency. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having a fire under my butt, but not to this degree!
You are wonderful, you are a great person and you are worthy of respect, love and caring attention. No doubt in my mind. Despite us being treated like we're leftovers to be discarded, strangely enough, more often than not, by those closest to us, that is not true and couldn't be more false.
FunnyMummie is 100% correct - I strongly urge you to get out on walks, get sunrise natural sunlight in your eyes for at least 15 minutes. That will help set and reinforce your circadian rhythm and come some time between 8:30 - 10:00pm, you will go down hard and start sleeping better than you currently are. That's the foundation of all my ADHD progress, the hub, if you will. Everythign else is spokes and it is critical that you pick up these different pieces of self-care and put them into practice as easily and consistently as possible throughout your day. It will seem hard or impossible some days. If you don't get to meditate, or you miss a yoga class, or whatever it is, please do not beat up on yourself. Just reinforce that you will go tomorrow, make a plan, put a time/deadline to it, deal with the momentary anxiety of having to recalibrate and so on, day by day, hour by hour.
In time, it becomes more rote, habitual and less difficult. Agreed, we never graduate from this 'program', but we do learn better ways to study so our grades get better and better, bit by bit. This is what I mean by the process, rather than the destination.
Learn to lean into the effort not caring so much about the result. Paradoxically enough, this will start giving you better results (whatever that means in that particular context/situation/task), and more consistently so. Voila. No it's not easy. Yes, it's totally worth it. You'll know you're doing it right because it will make you feel uncomfortable, sorry to say. That is you teaching the anterior mid cingulate cortex inside your prefrontal cortex to build motivation and start goal seeking in the most natural way possible. THAT is the single best precursor to developing prefrontal cortex executive function again.
Sorry about the jargon - I've done a lot of research (or 'mesearch', as I like to call it), and it is a bit necessary for all of us to understand how to approach this for ourselves. Everyone is different, but there are some striking similarities across the board as well.
You are amazing and 100% lovable, lovely and worthy of all the good things and happiness you have coming to you. I hope some of this is helpful.
For my part, I'm quiet now, I'm much more focused than I was even a month or two ago, but my posts here are too long still. Working on it.
FocusAndFlow that was INCREDIBLY helpful to read. I especially appreciated the focusing on me part. This is a necessary reminder as I am such a body doubler it can be easy for me to get lost in the flow of someone else’s priorities. It is almost like that is what I waiting for, which isn’t fair nor would it be healthy.
I read every word and wouldn’t have wanted it one letter shorter… so thank you for your time.
Breathing through the rejections and judgements and putting our face towards the sun (for the 15 minutes at least 😉).
Thanks again and I am sending you an abundance of strength during your process as well.
Thank you, that's very kind of you. Prayers for my interviews this week I will gladly take in repayment, as something needs to change around here. Fast.
First of all, ignore your sister. Trust me, you're nowhere near geriatric...take it from a guy who is turning 50 next year!
Second, it sounds like you have great parents. (My own parents let me stay with them for a month after my divorce. My ex had moved across the country with the kids, and I was moving to follow...but my lease ended a month before I was ready to move.)
A "gap" year can help, if your needs are met, but you've got to be intentional with working on yourself and your plans during that time. It might be especially helpful for you focus on personal growth while the man you're dating is away.
• Start with basic things, like learning things that you can do to help manage your emotions (such as mindfulness, or CBT techniques).
• Consider doing some journaling at least once a week. Journaling is a good way to examine your thoughts on things and process your emotions.
• Read up on ADHD and whatever else might help you.
• Get into an exercise routine, even if it's just 10 minutes of yoga, or walking around the block... getting into a routine is the goal.
• Spend time with friends or engage in social activities that you enjoy.
*Medication is usually the single most effective treatment for ADHD, so if you're not on an ADHD medication, consider talking to your doctor about starting on one. Therapy, mindfulness/meditation
and exercise are some of the most beneficial non-medication treatments for ADHD. Other helpful treatments include good socialization, journaling, gratitude, and learning more about your own ADHD.
{Edit: TLDR - The two that in do the most are Box Breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.}
But I do know the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. (I've found at least a few tutorials on this one, including a HowToADHD YouTube video.)• A mental health counselor taught me this one, when I was going through therapy around the time of my divorce. He very clearly taught me that, like any skill, CBT and mindfulness techniques require practice. He said to practice the techniques regularly when you don't need them, so that you can use them without needing to think about how to use them when you DO need them.
I also use a few different mindfulness breath control techniques, like Box Breathing, and Progressive Relaxation.
It helps to have at least a few different tools in your toolbox:
• I have used Box Breathing even when I'm driving my car and feel anxious. It's simple and doesn't take too much attention to do.
• The 5-4-3-2-1 CBT technique works great for me to pull me out or rumination. (Obviously, I can't use the 5-4-3-2-1 CBT technique while I'm driving, because it takes too much of my attention.
• I also can only do Progressive Relaxation when I'm at home or a riding as a passenger... I've found it works GREAT for me when I'm flying. I have to be somewhere that I can safely tune out the world for a while. ~ I think that I first learned this technique when I was in junior high (around 1987-88) to help with test anxiety. That was long before I ever heard the word "mindfulness".
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(FYI - I usually visit this forum on my Android phone, and the bullet point is available in the onscreen keyboard's symbols and punctuation.)
My thoughts are normally very disorganized, so I order them while I type. If you were to have a verbal conversation with me, I'd probably veer off onto multiple tangents, going down the rabbit trail of my wandering attention! 😂
My ADHD meds don't constrain my thoughts or help me to order them. (They don't and like guard rails .)
What they do is enable me to have a lot more conscious control of my attention (I can choose what thought to hold in focus), but it takes effort. They also greatly improve my working memory (almost to match the average for neurotypical people, I think), so that I can remember what I was just talking about, and what I wanted to say next.
I appreciate you taking the time to share this because dang, for a mind that craves goals… this is Hard!!! I think owning a business is a brilliant way to continual feed - keep going - and please keep reminding me to keep my brain up…
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