ADD is torture

[Tormented555]

For me ADD is a curse - I'm doomed to be stupid and despise myself my entire life, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. It gets old sometimes. I just gave myself a fat lip doing something without paying attention to what I was doing, as usual. Please, somebody just shoot me. Sorry, I just need to vent once in a while

[FocusAndFlow]

Take it easy, breathe. No, you're none of those things - You are fighting a very personal, interior fight that only those of us who have this ADHD thing can possibly understand. That said, I would encourage you not to talk to yourself like that, as that is precisely what this things does to us and the negative self-talk only makes it worse.

Give yourself a break and focus on learning self-compassion. What would that look like for you? Start 'throwing things in that bucket' and set it aside to begin compartmentalizing. Remember that just because you spilled some milk (and likely will again at some point; you're human) You ARE NOT spilled milk. Big difference.

You are not alone. Not by nautical miles!

Coraggio - You've got this. Start easy, but steady. No worries.

[Tormented555 in reply to FocusAndFlow]

Thank you. Yeah, self hatred becomes addictive sometimes. It's a release that feels good in the moment, because I'm lashing out at what I'm mad at, but is detrimental in the long run. My self image/self esteem is in the toilet. I know I actually have talent in many areas, but knowing that doesn't help. The same way that knowing you've eaten well before doesn't help when you're starving

[FocusAndFlow in reply to Tormented555]

It's good to see you're a bit calmer. That's always the best place to start. I don't want to add to your plate, of course, but I have several comorbidities, which I'm learning is quite normal for adults with ADHD. I'm not suggesting that you have BPD like I suspect I do, but this may be a good resource to help calm down and redirect when you start banging away at your self-esteem:

Three Keys To Coping With BPD:

helpguide.org/articles/ment...

1. Calm the emotional storm

2. Learn to control impulsivity and tolerate stress

3. Improve your interpersonal skills

Regardless of whether I have BPD or not, this is very good practical advice: Learning to calm myself down has taken a lot of work, and I'm not consistently excellent or even good at it, but it's about remembering that practice makes practice (not perfect). Once I find myself to be in a calmer state, I can 'lean into the effort' a bit better with a stronger signal-to-noise effect that helps me focus and keep attention better. This creates a space where I can better deal with the discomfort of the 1,824 things that are coming to mind so I can just focus on 1, 2 or 3, and learn to tolerate the stress of 'leaning into the effort' without caring so much about the result. Let go and Let God. Quite true.

Having said all that, I find my life in general has been a bit de-cluttered by all the extra noise in the last 30 minutes, hour, or whatever timeframe, and I can better conserve mental energy by keeping quiet, feeling a greater sense of agency and self-discipline, and magically, yes, my affect is not quite as harsh, so I notice people behaving a bit better toward me.

Feel free to revisit this later if it proves too much or delete it entirely. Take what you like and leave the rest. I just know the pain you experience all too well and I'd be remiss if I didn't share some of the tools I've learned along the way.

I believe that the re-learning to tolerate stress as if I were a child all over again building these basic neurological blocks of mental acuity and focus is the best way forward for me. Hopefully it proves useful to you as well.

Godspeed

[Tormented555 in reply to FocusAndFlow]

Thanks, I'll try. I don't feel hopeful about much of anything, but I'll try.

[Ian_Strauss]

Hi Tormie!

I can relate to what you say. Nobody can deny the emotions a person has.

For myself, two things help me when these dark thoughts attack me.

1. I remind myself that God created every human being on earth with value and worth. Even if I feel it doesn’t apply to me, I tell it to myself.

2. I remind myself of a quote from Viktor Frankl, a survivor of a Jewish concentration camp, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Lift up your head Tormented, and walk talk and with pride.

I think of you!!

[Tormented555 in reply to Ian_Strauss]

Thank you - I like Viktor Frankl too, I like his book "Man's Search For Meaning," I've started it many times 🤣 That's the problem though, I don't feel free.. that's why I feel cursed.. I can't stop doing things that drive me crazy.. nothing to do with any one else, which is why I don't usually feel hate or resentment for other people, and it seems strange to me to see people blaming each other, because I am by far my own biggest problem. What others may do to me pales by comparison

[FocusAndFlow in reply to Tormented555]

No apologies nor explanations necessary - We've all been there and know exactly what you mean.

One additional recommendation, if you're not doing this already: Meditation. I've been at it almost daily for 14 weeks or so (I think), and I have noticed a 'small pocket' has emerged in my mind where I can operate a bit better like a quarterback can work well in a pocket with superb defensive line.

It creates a little distance between me and 'it', whatever it is, the situation, issue, problem, conversation, etc., and it allows me to observe it and myself relative to it better, which has the effect of slowing things down, calming my brain, and allowing me to be a bit more productive by de-cluttering.

I recomment starting with Jack Kornfield's 'Meditation for Beginners', and then Amishi Jha's 'Peak Mind'.

Why am I banging on about this? Well, I'm a life-ling dyslexic, but not in the typical sense, flipping letters and numbers around - My eye saccades were so erratic that I never noticed my eyes jumping around the sentence I'm trying to read and therefore, I had to re-read everything over and over again. Well, after I'd say about six weeks of building a meditation habit (don't get me wrong, it's work), I found that I was all of a sudden able to read straight through page after page whilst having comprehended and absorbed everything. My eyes no longer dart all over the page, etc.

Few things have this sudden shift in ADHD. I don't believe I've experienced any other Off->On moments like this, and I'm not suggesting you have the same exact issue as I did. However, it sounds eerily familiar and again, I'd be remiss if I didn't pass that along.

Yes, you're going to have to be very patient with yourself and learn to just sit there for a bit, but like with other tools in the Adult ADHD toolbox, you learn to appreciate them along the way and they become part of your new behavioral pattern that is edifying in dealing with this condition so we can fight back - and succeed.

Sursum Corda.

[Rodster]

I gave myself black eyes and even had to get stitches from opening the freezer door instead of the refrigerator door. You know how you have to open the refrigerator door with more force than the freezer. So imagine thinking your hand is on the refrigerator door and using that force but your hand is really on the freezer door and wham right in the eye.

[Tormented555 in reply to Rodster]

Hope you're feeling better - I'd say "It's nice to know I'm not the only one," but that means other people have to go through it too, which is too bad..

[FocusAndFlow in reply to Tormented555]

Yes, but we can help each other heal as well, and that is good. Focus on good.

[MadamGeneva]

I’ve been there. This year alone I’ve broken my ribs and strained my back twice, but I still wouldn’t swap my ADHD for the world- it’s also what makes us truly amazing!

Yes, life can be so much harder at times and we feel so much more than our peers, but we also have so much empathy. The world would loose so much humanity without us!

Our creativity, passion, and resilience shine brightly and our unique way of navigating the world is a gift; frustration may come, but so does the power to overcome. You've got this!

Sending love and strength to get you over the bump!

(Edit: forgot to add that it’s taken me time to get to this point, after a lifetime of self-loathing, but exploring my ADHD strengths and focussing on healing has turned my life around).

[Tormented555 in reply to MadamGeneva]

Thank you - I really appreciate it - I'll try

[Mamamichl]

I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to vent here 😊. I hyperfixated on paperwork yesterday and my kiddo missed out on quality time. My plan is homework with her then video games with her for quality time tonight. Wish me luck!

[Tormented555 in reply to Mamamichl]

Good luck !

[MaudQ]

Sigh. I kind of spun out yesterday because I’m working on a complicated project and I’m not on the right medication - because I can’t effing get the meds that actually work. My head was just swimming yesterday trying to get organized - I felt like Dr. Strange but not in a fun way. So yeah. One of the things that annoyed me about some of the therapists I have had was that they would try to talk me out of being negative. Which was good in a way but also kind of gaslighting.

Spiraling into negativity and beating yourself up does make everything worse - and self compassion always makes things better. But if you read Self Compassion by Kristin Neff who brought the concept into public consciousness, the first step is actually getting real about your mistake or weakness.

The truth is, I can’t handle keeping too much information front of mind. And the drugs that work for me are controlled substances and are really time consuming to track down. That’s real - and instead of tying myself into a pretzel to make myself feel ok about it, it’s better to sit down and see how I can simplify things. It will mean that I can’t achieve as much as I would like - and I’ll have to live with the reality that my peers are able to. But better than being unhappy *and* gaslit. And once the reality is out in the open - then I can practice self compassion and bring myself back to baseline.

[Tormented555 in reply to MaudQ]

Thanks for your reply, I can really relate

[caringdoc2]

You are not stupid or dumb. You just have to learn how to manage your condition. I grew up thinking as you, thinking I was stupid, at that time not much was known about ADHD. I learned and found ways that worked for my, and graduated from medical school. And if I can do it, so can you.

[Polly91 in reply to caringdoc2]

That’s brilliant. How did you manage to focus ? Was medicine your area of interest/hyper focus ?

[caringdoc2 in reply to Polly91]

At that time, I found different things to increase my focus, I was able to hyperfocus because of my increased interest in medicine. a good source of reference is Dr William Dodson, can be found on you tube, and google. The most important thing is to find a Dr. who knows about ADHD. NOT easy. Drugs are the only thing that works, Need to find the correct one. Often misunderstood, some say that there addictive, not so. Why do I often forget to take them if they were addictive. Hang in there, there is light in the tunnel. Do the research, find the DR, find the correct drug.

I was diagnosed when I was in my 50 , when started it was like night and day, improved in 24 hours. When I was listening Dr Dodson , I kept on saying that's me.

you will not only be "normal" but you will excell

Many well know people have this condition and have done extremely well.

[Tormented555 in reply to caringdoc2]

Thank you. Nothing else seems to work at all.. I have my doubts even about drugs, everything I've tried seems like it works for a while, then all my dysfunction catches up eventually. How does one find the right drug? Try everything until something works?

[Polly91 in reply to caringdoc2]

Thanks

Did you manage to do your medical degree & practice for 30 years before getting a diagnosis’ & treatment? That’s v impressive.

Does the need for drug therapy depend on the “severity of symptoms”?

Thanks

[caringdoc2 in reply to Polly91]

Yes went throught med school, was practicing and received a note from my son"s school saying they think he has ADHD. I said NO, and researched it and found out they were describing me in detail. Found the right DR and started on meds and improved almost overnight. Yes the only treatment that works is medication. Check out Dr. Dodson. If your Dr. is not well versed in ADHD he probably won't approve.

paul

[Graciemaks in reply to caringdoc2]

Thats encouraging.. keep giving hope

[BigWu]

I feel like that most of the time. Ironically the thing that helps me most is helping my son through ADHD, we are able to reassure each other.

If you can find someone else that understands and can support you it will go a long way.

[Tormented555 in reply to BigWu]

Thank you, I know that helping someone else does help me get out of myself and forget how miserable I am.. I feel like I'd have to help people a lot to forget about how much I hate myself.. it runs pretty strong.. but I'll keep it in mind, if the opportunity presents itself. Thanks, and best of luck to both of you. For me, it's hell.. not all every moment, but on a regular enough basis. No other difficulty in life comes even close

[BigWu in reply to Tormented555]

It's hell for all of us, just some of us like hell more than others😁

[SoTiredADHD]

You gave me such a reality check reading your post. If I didn’t know that I DIDNT write that I would have sworn I did! You are me! Self hatred is the worst! I sometimes think I would do better with ADD if I didn’t think about the failure and disgust with how things are.

I started doing CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) almost a year ago. FINALLY a therapy that ACTUALLY gives you homework and techniques to help! Did years of talk therapy. Ugh. Anyway as you know you can’t do well if we think so low of ourselves! We HAVE TO focus on the wins, even if small in our opinion. Because you know we do a lot of small wins thruout a day. Which is BIG! So ya hit your head ONCE… kudos better than twice! See find the win! If it takes you writing down all the things you did at the end of the day then do it. My therapist said many of her ADHD clients use jars and fill them with things they’ve accomplished. Because as you know we either forget them or seem insignificant. They’re not. More positive you say to yourself your mind will slowly replace the hate with kindness. Not sure if you have faith or not, but Jesus doesn’t make mistakes and we’re not a mistake or broken… we’re just fine tuning, learning, then will be helping others. He’s got the plan for all this crud! There will be good from it! See I got to help someone (hopefully) when I was barely holding on to a string a year ago! Hugs Tormented… vent as you need just don’t ever stay in it. Oh yeah btw ya did a good thing calming down… that’s another positive you did. Best of luck to you. You CAN and WILL win this battle

[Tormented555 in reply to SoTiredADHD]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I wonder if CBT would help. I have no faith l'll win the battle, no faith period, actually. I'm too fed up for that, unfortunately.

[SoTiredADHD in reply to Tormented555]

I get it. Been there too. There were times I wondered what the hell was the point of my existence! BUT I knew I couldn’t QUIT! And neither can you! We only know what we know… how can we know what life can really be like if we don’t even try to find out? Right? You are more than this hell! And I know you deserve the best life you can get. BUT YOU HAVE TO GET IT! yep those words suck… on top of trying to function, you’re gonna have to listen and learn.. and TRY new things… yep! Pull up those boot straps, look in the mirror and remind yourself you’re tough and CAN DO THIS! I HIGHLY recommend you get some therapy! You will learn things you had no idea could be possible. It’s all a change in mindset, going about things differently, working WITH YOUR GIFTS, instead of trying to have a different gift. Do you ! Now, little negative here… you CAN NOT TALK BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! You need to stop now! If a child only hears how they mess up by their parents, they will only think they’re bad, no good… well that’s what you’re doing to yourself. Dig in for the good on you. Only focus on that. Hard I know. But you can do it! Do you WANT to really sit in the negative, being angry and down for your life? Life isn’t gonna all sudden be rainbows and butterflies… it’s hard. But you’re stronger. I’m sharing a quote that really hit me when I read it. Maybe it will remind you how strong you are and that you can do anything if YOU WANT TO. Hugs hugs hugs

Quote

[CTNico]

Its funny about ADHD drugs — I’ve been on Ozempic for the past six weeks and it actually does what it is supposed to do. And then all the guilty, shameful feelings about not controlling what I eat just go away.

Wish that truly existed for ADD but honestly it doesn’t— every once in a while the drugs sort of work, but mostly they never truly help the underlying problem, and by the time you get to a certain age, your reputation is sort of set, anyways.

I agree, it is torture.

[Tormented555 in reply to CTNico]

Thanks, I do feel that way.. too old and set in my ways...my experience with medications has been just like you said.. thanks for understanding

[LifeAfterDiagnosis]

I feel your frustration!

Two days ago I was doing yardwork and tripped and fell on a metal rake and a metal shovel that I thought I had moved far enough out of my way. I have about a 4x6 inch bruise and small cut on my arm, and a 2x3 inch bruise and small cut on my knee. Pissed me off.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Hang in there!

[Tormented555 in reply to LifeAfterDiagnosis]

Yeah, it's really annoying.. my left hand doesn't know what my right is doing, literally.. I try to do something with both hands and they're out of sync. It's ridiculous

[Graciemaks]

May God give you hope for each day.... I realized that there is something unique about connection , i have struggled with anxiety , self blame , excess guilty and so forth .. but i came across a book which i can as well share... It really does talk about the importance of connecting to people.. have people who you can always connect to especially in this state of vulnerability.. Happily enough you have a family here... You don't have to be perfect but God when he created you he was happy and approved you are good.