I just saw a tiktok of an ADHD coach, who was giving a tip on how to overcome impostor syndrome. And that was by focusing on the things that you have changed and achieved. But now is my question, how do you do that if you are still in a shame-spiral? When you have difficulty looking at the past and seeing what actually changed. Or what you did that was good.
Can someone give me tips to do that?
Thank you
I have some ideas:1. Is there anyone you can buddy with or who can catch you in the spiral who can challenge your thinking? If so, Set this up on a regular basis.
2. If not, have a note on your phone that reminds you to journal or audio record answers to questions like: what positive feedback have I had in the past few weeks? Have I actually been fired from this job/placement/position or had negative feedback? What would I say to a friend who was in my position with the same facts and feelings? And so on.
3. Ask for feedback on how you're doing. That will give you facts and take you out of your feelings.
4. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to check in on yourself in the above way or get a friend to call you regularly to remind you to do this.
5. Set a task of watching, observing, studying 3 peers in a certain shame inducing setting. If you think you say silly things in meetings, listen to what they say in meetings. If you think your speeches are rubbish, listen to theirs. If you stay open minded, you'll probably see that you're as good as, if not better than them.
The issue with imposter syndrome is that it's a negative reflection of your reality. I hope some of the above steps help to reframe your reality, so that it's...real.
Hope this helps!
TL;DR- Learn to answer the negative thoughts positive intentions.
It can take 6 positives to counteract one negative.
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It's been said that the human mind is acutely aware of negative inputs. It's believed by some to go back to our ancestors' survival needs...to be aware of dangers.
Unfortunately, the same awareness makes us hyper aware of our own negative thoughts and feelings.
Growing up with ADHD in a world which is predominantly neurotypical, many of us ADHDers heard a lot of criticisms. (They might have been from well-intentioned parents or teachers who were trying to give us guidance, but they were criticism just the same.)
As we got older, we started give me ourselves criticisms. It became the norm. They became automatic negative thoughts, or ANTs.
It is said that it takes 6 positives to counteract a negative.
(More to come...)
(...continued)
Negative thoughts often follow distinct patterns. Try to come up with positive truths to counter negative thoughts.
For example:
I often doubt myself at my Information Technology job because I don't have a degree, and having a computer or technology degree is usually preferred in order to get a job in IT. (I studied Information Systems at community college, and then computer engineering at the university. I just didn't earn any degrees.)
I have to remind myself all the time that I have 13 years of experience in this field, so I've definitely proven that I can do it.
I understand completely. Sometimes I have to just sit calmly and think about the one simple, little thing that I did correctly or well. It literally doesn't matter what it it, because when I'm in that funk, everything spirals out of control.
So, it could be as simple as: I said I was going to do the dishes and take out the trash after dinner last night and I did. There were a ton of dishes, but I got both done in 20 minutes.
As I think about a basic example like this, then I do remember that my wife ACTUALLY thanked me, that she was a hair nicer to me after that, etc. Then I channel this into becoming less defensive toward everyone, but not from a kindness mindset so much as coming at it from a position of self-control and authority: No one can hurt me. At least, not for the next hour or two.
And on, and on. I call them 'Anchors'. I anchor my thought on something, anything, positive (or at least less negative until I can find a positive), and I noodle on that for a bit and let my mind to a bit of free association (meditation really helps), so I move on down the chain of 'anchors' into a better cognitive and emotional place.
Is is easy? No. Does is suck? Yes.
Until it doesn't.
And that's both the discipline and the goal, every day. Lean into the effort without caring about nor focusing on the result and, paradoxically enough, let better results come. They do in unexpected ways and with greater consistency than before.
Always a work in progress, but it is critical that we learn to be our own coaches, cheerleaders and learn to give ourselves our own 'attaboys'.
All that said, lean into the effort but don't force it. I find for me that there is a threshold of resistance that becomes counterproductive to traverse, so I just increase my tolerance for effort / resistance, bit by bit every day.
Godspeed.
Try self compassion: Kristin Neff or Chris Germer are two people you could look up who specialize in this Both PhD’s. Or the Center for Mindful Self Compassion. Try it. For real.
I want to see this TikTok you are talking about. Do you by chance have a link?!?
Out of sight, Out of Mind
Is there anyone else like me? Part 2
What Did You Think Your ADHD Was Before You Found Out You Had ADHD?
How do I accept diagnosis? No one in my circle to discuss things with.
Long-term Goals and Meaning in Life
