Overcoming Blame

[Its18]

Does anyone relate or have workarounds to overcoming being or feeling constantly blames? I know for me I feel like I enabled it. So as long as I can remember I was always saying sorry whether my fault or not and I hate conflict, I will avoid at all costs. Which has led to terrible communication skills when dealing with serious issues where I might disagree with someone ( how do I skate the line of being honest and yet be truthful and not make them upset or “hate me”. I was bullied as a kid and manage to float from friend group to friend group not opening up to anyone. When I was 11(43 now) my uncle was killed in an accident, then and for the longest time I wished it was me. To a certain extent I felt like a burden. So with undiagnosed adhd for 40 years the stresses of life, spouse, kids and a hectic life have been exhausting. I now know that a lot of my issues and stresses are a result of my undiagnosed and poorly managed adhd. So years and years of excepting blame to let others feel better or being in denial about blame because “I was well intentioned”, and therapy to realize it is not all my fault. I find myself getting frustrated/angry and shutting down or if driving wanting to hit a telephone pole when being blamed, especially if I’m not the only one at fault. I know that a lot of my decisions were based on my interpretation of situations or recent feedback and always trying to do the best thing not the always the right thing(I always seem to find myself between a rock and a hard place). I guess now I am struggling and frustrated with being blamed for all the negative issues in my marriage, life and my wife’s unhappiness. I rationally know that it is not all my fault, but being constantly told that it is and reminded of all past issues/problems is challenging and exhausting. I try not to let it keep me down , but of course it does and then trying to discuss it produces such anxiety, frustration and emotion that l’m “yelling” and then backing down and being talked at starts. Anyone able to successful just moving past similar feelings?

[MrsKlco]

Your story hits way to close to home. On one hand, I feel that one of our (ADHD'rs) best attributes is our empathy and excited want/need to please others (above ourselves). But the back end of that is that we put ourselves last.

I was a "yes" person most of my life, leaving me alone and depressed. I have worked very hard with therapy to gain an awareness of my own needs. I now come first and have a healthy understanding of boundaries, with my family, kids, personally and professionally.

I too was diagnosed late in life and had no clue that I was trying to survive with the chaos in my head.

Now about the marriage thing, I have to work very hard, to manage my fears, anxiety, depression. (I do not want my kids picking up my emotional behaviors so I was trying to be "normal" for them) I felt for years that my hubby hated me and was going to leave me (like my past relationships).

I am by no means perfect but I defiantly understand the terrible emotional turmoil that you are describing. Please allow the therapist to help you to find your inner strength. ADHD is not torture unless you don't know any other way to understand it.

Once I started reading and researching the better I felt about myself and therapy went much smother. Having trauma in your childhood is/might always trip you up emotionally if not resolved.

For example, I could not have my hubby leave the house with out saying "good buy" or I start to have racing thoughts that he wasn't coming back. It was chronic early in my marriage. My therapist has helped me to see that my alcoholic father's erratic/ abandonment behavior were still haunting me. With that said, and long time of processing, I can now have my hubby leave and I just keep doing what I am doing.

I hope this helps, this emotional roller coaster is not fun at all. But keep working on yourself and the rest will even out.

Best wishes for you and your family,

Renee

[Its18 in reply to MrsKlco]

Thank you for your reply. I guess for me right know I am frustrated with the threat of separation/ divorce, since I tried so hard to provide for the family. I know that with trying so hard to just provide I was emotionally absent a lot of the time and didn’t handle lots of things well. I guess I’m upset that she’s not really willing to work on things since it’s all my fault and she already has worked on herself. And just not really appreciated.

[MrsKlco in reply to Its18]

I’m so sorry...I did not know. That sounds like you are shattered. Please don’t give up on yourself. Marriage is very difficult for ppl with ADHD.

I’m so sorry I feel like you need so much more support then what I’m giving you. Please keep reaching out!!

I will try to respond as often as I can...we are there for you.

Renee

[Its18 in reply to MrsKlco]

I do appreciate your reply. It does help. I will get through it. Somehow. Thanks.

[Shnookie]

I can relate to your concept of blame. From the time I was little I was always trying to be A people pleaser especially to my

Way or the highway and was verbally and

physically abusive toward my mother.

Though I had always been depressed I was

finally diagnosed for being Bipolar with

ADHD. Though my meds worked to a great extent it is only now at almost the age

of 62 that have been usin a cognitive approach with my social work. Tho it’s challenging I view things especially ones that cause me anger or depression in a more positive way. Tho I can stand up for myself and advocate an issue that is important to me, in 1 to 1 relationships I have encountered issues re fear of confrontation and perhaps not wanting to lose someone’s friendship. After all these

years, I’ve learned if possible to stand up

4 yourself when a comment someone

Makes is hurtful to U right away. I have

left things fester many times which is extremely unhealthy for your

psyche and physical well being. It can feel uncomfortable 😣 to do this but I will be here to support U

[Hidden]

I can relate to the feelings you are having. I found myself being blamed for a lot and didn't know why. I started off trying to deflect the blame back on my wife, natural response, defensive. Divorce was on the table too and it was not looking good for me.

But deep down I knew I had some issues that I wasn't dealing with. After therapy and going through "daddy issues" I came out feeling better but yet was still found myself in the same blame scenario. I first thought that I had carried childhood trauma from my past in to my marriage and fatherhood. Eventually, with my wife's help, we discovered that I had ADHD. Once I started researching this condition I came upon a symptom of ADHD that I had never heard of, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

RSD is my biggest issues with my ADHD. I feared rejection so much that I found myself avoiding anything that would leave me feeling alone, sad, at fault, rejected, neglected, etc. I was lying to my wife to avoid arguments. I was taking short cuts to get a job done so I could finish on time to avoid any negative reaction if I was late. I was avoiding confrontation with people just so I wouldn't have to have difficult conversations with them. I basically was avoiding life so that I could keep myself from feeling unwanted, unloved, undesired, at fault, to blame, imperfect, etc.

If I found myself feeling any of these it would result in a complete shut down. I would become distant to those around me, numb. After years of reacting this way to my surroundings, I had trained myself to live a life of selfishness. What I mean is, is that I was living for myself. Even though I am married with kids, I only kept my calendar in my head, kept up with only myself, wanted to be alone all the time, avoided family gatherings, etc. I had trained myself that being alone was easier than trying to be around others all the time. I figured that it was easier to control myself alone than myself around others. Keep in my that I am %100 an extrovert, so being alone does not make me thrive.

I now take medication specific for RSD, Clonidine. This has helped me tremendously. I now can handle negative responses. I don't avoid conflict anymore. I can handle an argument with a clear mind and can understand that I am not being attacked personally but I have done something to cause someone else to feel unloved. My mind is more clear now that I got rid of the emotional response of feeling rejected.

[Its18 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, what you described is very similar to my experience.