Hi, My name is Alejandro. I’m 26, from Texas, and currently am kicking ADHD-like symptoms and substance abuse problems in their ass. Or so I say to keep a positive mind. I’m just throwing my head out. I am open to feedback of any kind. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read.
I like to think I’m not alone on this whole thing and I find myself questioning like everything of everything and can’t find the time to just pause, grab a thought, work on that thought, with input from my emotional side and logical side, decide firmly and follow through with my action. And lastly, be ok with my actions.
I go nuts no matter how <fill in any adjective> my actions are. I notice when I doubt myself and have realized that, i act with the intention of pleasing others and forget that I am also part of whatever decision I make.
I just reached the idea of practicing mindfulness in a monk type of way haha. [re-reading this, I found the jump of topic funny as hell hahaha] With everything going on globally and me being on leave from work to get all this worked out, I find it’s the best time to work on some heavy self-discipline. I will fight against my brains routine of day to day tasks with hopes of understanding myself on a much deeper level and what they say is the near impossible task of regaining control of my reward system due to both Illness and substance abuse. I’m ashamed of saying all this, but I’ve taught myself and have learned that shame, is one of our biggest obstacles from being the best version of ourselves.
And to put some awareness out there and encourage vulnerability, I cry almost every night, discrediting everything I have done and remind myself of everything I haven’t. I become so hateful to the point that I start to believe my unworthiness to the world. I have gone untreated since like 7 and have been completely unaware of this illness until I decided to work on my problem with substance abuse. I always felt different growing up, like I just wasn’t like kids my age. I think different, act different, see different. I am proud of the day when I was talking to my boss 1 on 1 on my performance at work, because something just hit me that day and I told myself, “dude, you aren’t strong enough for this. A real man reaches out and recognizes his limits, you are at your limit”, I broke down entirely during that 1 on 1. Since then, that was a little over 2 years ago, things started working on its own. Slowly, but surely they were and I was not even realizing it. Where I am now, is, coming up with shit like this monk meditation for mindfulness lol, I am more mindful of what I’m doing and finally sleep and take care of my 11 month old pup, reach out to people I finally can say are friends that give a shit about me, joined a brazilian jiu jitsu program to occupy my time, and I continue to work on the shame I hold so strong for all the things I have done in the past. 🥵 I’m burning out and crashing, well no, yeah lost train of thought 😂
This was written and posted with the intention of helping someone who is feeling alone, confused, irritated and was done with much love and care.
I get really intense and into the things that I do hehe, well, good night I guess. Sleep well and remember to tell yourself how great you are before you sleep and remind yourself again when you wake up.
[re-reading it all, hahahah I’m such a mess 😅]