I’ve just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m 64. At first I was relieved and almost elated because it started to explain so much.
But now, I’m struggling. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I look back at my life and all the situations that my ADHD can clearly be a part of.
Has anyone else felt like their life was actually so much different that what you thought it was?
Yes! Same here. I’m 56 and was officially diagnosed a few months ago. I had the same feelings. Now that I’m used to the idea, I have wondered what might have been different or better. It’s better than a lifetime of beating oneself up because you don’t understand why it’s so difficult or how you find yourself in situations that are untenable.
I spend a lot of time trying to “hack my brain”, explaining to loved ones what’s going on, and trying to approach things differently. I also feel that knowing what I know now I would have probably chosen a spouse that was more understanding and supportive. As much as I love my daughters and have pushed myself to the brink of insanity to raise them as well as possible. They are doing great so I’d like to think that I got it mostly right. I don’t know if I would have had children bc there are certain aspects of my ADHD that have caused me problems and made it much harder to be a good parent. What I need to do for myself doesn’t always jibe with what I need to do for my daughters.
Basically, we have been given a key now we have to figure out how to open the lock. I also have family members that don’t get what’s going on and invalidate what I’m going through or how profoundly ADHD has effected the trajectory of my life. It’s like I’m still alone with my struggles. The rest of the world still continues to have the same expectations for you and you always feel that pressure.
I relate to this. It is nice to find the “aha” moment. Yet, an identity issue of…Am I the person that I grew up thinking I was?
I have been working on accepting my neuro divergent self.
And realizing that I was resilient in my journey in life. Then, hit a brick wall in my mid 50s.
Some days are better than others. I continue to learn about ADHD, executive functions, and how to accept and love myself.
Yes, diagnosed three years ago at age 59.
I had quit a job I was in for 19 years, and was taking some time off to deal with some health issues before finding a new job. I had been a teacher and instructional technologist for 30 years. Six months in to my self-declared sabbatical, I listened to " Driven to Distraction" with my wife while on a long car ride, and I was officially diagnosed a month later. My Kaiser managed health insurance offered a class I took in that month prediagnosis, and I found a CHADD group for adults with ADHD. The diagnosis gave me a completely new perspective on my life and experiences.
Then pandemic hit and closed the schools. I got unemployment for a year and spent that time doing volunteer work, which led to some part-time consulting gigs. While I have learned much more about how I had succeeded in many areas, and I understand better why I was challenged by some kinds of work, and excelled at others, it has make me reluctant to return to an education career where I had experienced and masked so much trauma and shame.
Absolutely! I have had a nearly identical experience. I’m 54, also with a very recent ADHD diagnosis. I experienced those initial feelings of euphoria and the relief of thinking, “I’m not crazy or lazy!” But now I find myself in an identity crisis.
A dear friend recently asked me what my greatest fear is, and my reply was, “Not knowing who I am.” I thought I knew myself, but now I question everything.
I’m told that what we’re going through is common for adults who get an ADHD diagnosis, regardless of how old they are. Fortunately, I have a good therapist who is helping me work through the mess of thoughts and doubts plaguing me. I'm learning to trust the process and be patient with myself.
The diagnosis for middle-aged and older folks is astonishing. It upends all that we knew about ourselves and about the world. Most of us hadn't a clue--not a hint of a clue--about what ADHD really was (we got fooled by the "H") and totally no clue that ADHD applied to us.
Diagnosis is an existential revelation--a shock to all parts of the brain.
When we look back our condition is there in plain sight, right? Piles of evidence everywhere we look and yet conditioned by the folk narrative of "you can just focus!" we didn't have an explanation for all that evidence, so we likely just minimized the evidence.
I feel lucky that I landed in a job that doesn't require much organization, some basic amount (which I really worked on after I got diagnosed). I think of all the people working jobs that overwhelm them and then they get criticized. Bad reviews. Firings. Spouses clueless, angry at them, disappointed. Then the ADHDer internalizes shame. And can't figure out how to help themselves and to escape this trap.
My oldest brother was in that category. Oh my, I feel so sad about his struggles. He's dead now and his premature death absolutely was connected to ADHD (his was more severe than mine) and his difficulty of managing his health and doctor visits and meds and money and sleep and relationships and addictions and all the rest.
Narcissistic mother and ADHD connection?
Yes, been a challenge for me from day 1. All I can say is what everyone else saying. Nowhere even close to where I'd like to be.
Recently diagnosed at 65
Recently diagnosed and alone
getting diagnosed with Adhd at age 32
Son diagnosed with adhd at 44
talking to teen with newly diagnosed ADHD
