Struggles with RSD

[Ocelot88]

Hi! New to CHADD. I am a woman in my 30s who was diagnosed with ADHD this year. This diagnosis was never suggested to me in 14+ years of sometimes very intensive mental health treatment for anxiety/depression/PTSD, and I'm glad I finally sought out testing for myself. The piece of ADHD that resonates most strongly (even if not clinically recognized) is RSD. I struggle with this terribly, in some friendships more than others. It's so hard to manage because I have come a long way with healthy/open communication in relationships, but when I am so intensely distressed by the very friends I often communicate well with, I feel like nothing good can come from talking about it. I imagine that it will make them want to pull away from me because it makes me seem like "too much" or they are uncomfortable that their seemingly innocuous actions can throw me into such a dramatic tailspin. Because of this, I often end up suffering alone, growing resentful, and hyperanalyzing things like who last initiated contact or making plans, whether people really like me or feel obligated not to abandon me because they are afraid I would harm myself, etc. I know there are no magic solutions to RSD, but I'm open to suggestions that have been helpful to others, or really just talking to others who can relate! I have close friends with ADHD but none with RSD to nearly this level so I feel very alone with it and carry a lot of shame.

[ABedelia]

I have long struggled with this, and very intensively at your age (I am 53). Several years ago, as I went through a pretty horrendous divorce (his cheating and worse…married and stayed married to him far too long because of…you guessed it…RSD and feeling like it was the best I could do), I battened down the hatches and made a mental list of who was in my closest circle. I’d gotten in the habit of being regularly overwhelmed by too many “friendships” because I obsessively wanted everyone to like me, had a hard time keeping up with them all, etc. I was very real with myself. Even wrote their names down and thought a lot about it. I focus my energy on them now. They get my time, they are the only people I share allll the stuff with. These are the people who would and did walk through fire for me, and also have healthy boundaries. I no longer feel so depleted because I can easily remind myself who they are, they indeed love me, and keep any minor things from spiraling. I also did DPT with my therapist, which gave me a good practice for doing structured reflection on what’s real/what’s my overactive brain telling me things that are said or done that hurt me inadvertently are generally not as big as I may otherwise convince myself of. It’s taken time and practice, but I feel safe and trust these people entirely. So, that’s my advice: make your circle of trust and care small enough to manage. And part of managing it is loving them enough to focus your energy on trusting them and respecting their boundaries. I’ve gotten better at keeping my own counsel as a result. Hope that helps!