Impulsivity

[FootballFan21]

Hello,

This is my first time posting. I have been undiagnosed with ADHD until this past year, and I am on medication for it. It mostly has helped my focus and mostly helped improve my impulsivity. However, recently my impulsivity has caused me to do actions I am embarrassed to admit I have done. They have gone against my values and everyone other than my primary care doctor, my psychiatrist, therapist, and the person I did the action with don't know I went against my values due to my impulsivity.

I also have diagnosed anxiety, depression, and narcolepsy along with my ADHD. I'm so ashamed I have gone against my values with the thing I did in the past week. How do you 1) move on from the poor choice your impulsivity led you to do and 2) make sure you don't do that action again?

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forum FootballFan21

Based on how upset that you are, my guess is that this is a big deal. Out of resource for your privacy, I won't pry into to nature if the impulse action that violated your values. So, I'll respond in general terms that might cover a variety of things.

First, accept the fact that you are human, and we are all capable of making mistakes. Having strong values can help us to have greater reason to try to avoid certain kinds of mistakes, but can make us feel very bad when we do anything that violates our deeply held values.

ADHD and other factors can lead to making impulsive decisions, or engaging in impulsive actions without seeming to think at all.

So, you might need to work with your therapist &/or psychiatrist on this (and perhaps a spiritual advisor, if you follow a particular faith), but do get some counseling regarding the specific issue.

If you want to keep from repeating the same transgression, then you will have to prevent the opportunity. If it was something that you did because of where you were at the time, do not allow yourself to go there. If it had to do with who you were with, then you will have to avoid contact with that person. That's because that once that line has been crossed once, it will be easier to cross the line again. If it had to do with any substance that alters the mind (such as alcohol or drugs) then they need to be avoided.

Making the decision is easier than keeping to it. It's likely that without help you might experience the same issue again. Just like how 12-step programs have "sponsors", you might need an accountability partner.

Depending on the issue, other interventions might be necessary. (For instance, some drugs can be instantly addictive.)

If you are in any way a danger to yourself or others, then getting professional help is critically important.

~~~~~

Prevention will take intention and action. Temptations are a slippery slope. It doesn't matter if the problem is, whether it's substance use, risky behavior, relationship cheating... heading down the path gets easier with each repetition.

Earlier intervention always makes it easier to stop, and makes it easier to minimize the harm that's caused.

So, your awareness of the problem is important, because it points you towards the need for help to prevent repeating it in the future.

But you do have to do some soul searching to understand why you were tempted in the first place.

[Mamamichl]

I can’t recommend counseling enough to help you process this. It may be hard to find a good one, but after 3-4 meetings, if it doesn’t feel right, get another one. There’s no shame in this. It took me 20 years of counseling to find ways that I can take charge of my life and make changes that are making me brave enough to hit this head on.

I have done some things I know are against my morals. My actions were coerced by my mother, and I’m working on a PPO as we speak. Some of my actions are just impulsivity, while others were to make someone proud of me that I regret. You need to think about what you were feeling right before this/these actions and see if there is a trigger or if there is something you can do to keep that feeling away. With me, it helped to walk away from situations that I felt a certain way before I did the action.im not perfect at it, but I’m making progres. Don’t beat yourself up. As a human, we make mistakes. It took a long time of counseling to be ok with where I was when I did the actions. I do know better now, but I didn’t know better then and I need to forgive that lack of knowledge and where I was in that moment. It’s easier said than done sometimes though.

I didn’t fully understand the guilt I felt and I just kept talking to counselors.it helped to find one that specialized in my conditions, which I wasn’t diagnosed until 38. Did you know all counselors have to have their specialties and philosophy online? It took 4 hours to research ones in my insurance but it was a great thing for me.

If counseling is not an option, keep writing posts, or even start a journal. It doesn’t have to be seen by others, but it helps many people process things like this.

[FootballFan21 in reply to Mamamichl]

Thank you both of you for your replies. What happened is I ended up having sex with a former high school classmate of mine, as she was in town all week to be with her family for Thanksgiving. Since I'm turning 40 in a few months, I think I'm starting to get some sort of midlife crisis, as I'm not married. I desire to be loved and live life with the woman of my dreams. And, I think what happened is I was trying to force myself into married related actions without actually being married. My therapist is going to be so upset as he told me to not see her until I see him again, and she ended up staying the night with me on Saturday night. Yet I don't know why I am worried he'll be upset with me as he never has gotten upset with me and he's always been calm and collected, even during that two or three week window last year where I was suicidal. I see him Wednesday. I hope this helps.

PS - I apologize of this breaks the rules.

[Attentiondefdiff in reply to FootballFan21]

In most research people with ADHD do have unplanned sex more often than neuro typicals as well other unsafe behaviors. Being aware of the behaviors that are against our values is the first step to learning to control them. Next we have to accept them as part of our brain diversity and not feel the shame and guilt. Once we get to understand this is not a character flaw and get past the shame it is easier to make the changes needed not to put ourselves in the position to have these behaviors. At first it is so hard because we may not be able to go places and do things we enjoy just to avoid what makes us go against our values. I think this part of ADHD is one of the least understandable parts for us and others. How the heck can a person constantly go against their own values and safety? It’s as crazy as knowing what to do and not doing it. It’s hard but with awareness and stopping the shameful feelings it’s something you can overcome.

[Mamamichl in reply to FootballFan21]

You feel he would be upset because you feel guilt. That’s normal. If he does actually get upset, you may need a new provider. It’s not their job to judge, it’s their job to help with rhe current situation. He should have provided you with an emergency number when you got in that moment.

[DaffyDaisy]

My therapist asked me a few questions that really helped me deal with and process impulsivity and mistakes.

Would you excuse that behavior in someone you loved? And if so, why won't you excuse it in yourself?

The answer is almost always, "Yes, I do. And because I don't really love myself most of the time – not like I love others." I don't even like myself most of the time, so I have no qualms admitting I don't forgive myself easily. However, the question to that is, "Why?" Why do you hate yourself? Why can you not see in yourself what others see? It's hard to accept yourself for who you are and stop viewing everything you do or don't do as okay, normal even. It's something I'm still working on. That and not repeating over and over again all the hateful language I use to beat myself up inside my own head. I'm trying to remember to literally say, "Stop!" every time a thought pops in my head, where I'm talking shit about myself or my past actions. If I just say it in my head, it's not really loud enough. Haha! Yeah, I'm THAT person, randomly yelling, "STOP!" at herself out of the blue in the car or while sitting on the couch. I guess other people can be more discrete. But I've found I've kind of got to get a little crazy to defeat the crazy. That's sounds bonkers, but humor is also a help, too. I like to make fun of myself in a playful way instead of constantly tearing myself down. It helps, too. Good luck! You'll get there, my friend!

[Burhanerdem]

I suggest you do mindfulness, guided meditation, and breathing techniques. It will slow down your body-mind connection, and you will start making more conscious decisions in a day. The most crucial thing is that a person needs to organize daily goals, and I advise my client to use a notebook or an electronic device to make a daily routine. The most crucial thing that you consistently need to do it until you gain the habit.