Impulsivity and car buying

[Frankman]

Today I have to talk to my adhd son about buying a car he doesn’t need, he can’t afford, and which probably he will have to pay more money to fix in the future. Also he will expect me to buy his existing car which I can’t afford to do and don’t want to do. All because it is his “dream” car. This is the 4th car he has owned in the last 2 years. The last car he bought on his own was a total disaster and he lost $1000. He doesn’t need a new car this is totally a want not a need. How do I say no for the 100th time in a supportive way? He is 20 an adult but I just see this again leading to a totally avoidable financial disaster for him and I will have to pick up the pieces again. I want to support him on everything but he keeps asking me to support him on impulsive things like this then gets mad when I don’t. He is doing it because he doesn’t have any “excitement” in his life..I understand but so frustrating. Any advice on how to handle. Thanks

[Gem1n1]

Whatever you do, don’t shame him. It makes the behaviors worse in my experience. I’d acknowledge his struggle/need and dig into what about this purchase is “exciting” for him, and maybe find alternative outlets for the excitement. When my ADHD medication/stimulants are working, it helps with the impulses and self control. Giving an option like asking him to wait X amount of days or months for you to consider before revisiting the subject, might reduce the urge. When I impulse shop online, I leave it in the cart for awhile before making the purchase. That helps reduce the urge and/or forget about it. then I realize I didn’t really want or need the item. Or if I’m still thinking about that product days or months later, then I know it’s probably worth the purchase. Good luck. I know it’s a struggle all around.

[Gem1n1]

And if he does feel shamed, misunderstood, or unheard, then acknowledge it, apologize if you mean it, and work with him to figure out a better way forward.

[Gem1n1]

One more thing! He may appreciate if you sit down with him (or ask him to do it himself) and figure out what works for both of you, like making a plan that avoids a financial disaster, without you having to buy his current car, but in the end gets him his new car and both parties are happy. If he has a goal with a plan you agree on, he’s more likely to work towards it and make it happen.

[Frankman in reply to Gem1n1]

Just wanted to let you know that I had a good talk with my son.It went very well. I think your comments about being careful not to shame were really helpful. So thank-you. Hope all is well with you.

[Gem1n1 in reply to Frankman]

That is so wonderful to hear!!!!