Social Support Networks - How To Build?

[JulBean]

55F

Although my ADHD and depression have been very evident since early childhood, both my parents (when I was young) and I (as an adult) resisted chemical treatments until this past year. I was raised with a “medications are bad” and only something that you use when you have exhausted all other options mindset. My ADHD was a personality and behavioral flaw that I just needed to “get under control” on my own.

My Mom died last year and all of the structures and scaffolds that I had built collapsed like a house of cards.

Like many with ADHD, I haven’t ever really had a solid friend base. I haven’t built close friendships with women - although I “know” a lot of people on a very superficial level. I’m very friendly to people at work (I manage a bookstore). People come in just to say hello to me. However, if people suggest that we go for a coffee or something, I always brush it off with a generic “that would be nice” and never follow up. If someone tries to make plans I always have an excuse or cancel.

I was married for 24 years to a very controlling, angry, and sometimes abusive man. He always said that I was impossible to live with and that I was the cause of all of our problems. We’ve been separated 8 years now, although we are still working through to the divorce because he wants to fight every step of the way so the terms of our separation agreement aren’t yet met enough for the court to grant a divorce. We have 5 teen and adult children together. Over the course of my marriage I was all but forbidden to have friends that he didn’t approve of. And, we never socialized together. My “friends” were the parents of my children’s schoolmates. He eventually disapproved of anyone that I got close to. He also forbid any social activity done on my own (without the kids). I was to be a mother and a wife. Period.

After we separated, I fell into seeing an longtime mutual friend/acquaintance. It was entirely unintentional. He had serious commitment issues, but was calm and generally kind. I felt balanced when we were together. I managed to ruin it to the point where he will no longer even speak to me. As he pulled back and tried to maintain distance, I tried to hold on tighter. My weak emotional regulation meant that I didn’t think my responses through and I went from zero to 500 in half a second. My stupid way of communicating, time mismanagement, disorganization, and my need for routine and control to hold life together became wedges between us. Unfortunately, I hyperfocused on our relationship as my only support network. He left and came back and left and came back over 5 years. Finally he cut off all contact, leaving my kids and I adrift (the kids adored him).

And so, I have no support whatsoever outside of my children. And leaning on them as I now navigate treatment for ADHD and severe depression isn’t kind or fair.

I have been trying to find a medication regimen that works. I seem to be a poor responder to most of the meds we have tried. And I seem to have every side effect listed. But I am inching forward.

I have just enough coverage left on my ex-husband’s plan for 3 therapy sessions. After that it will be a financial impossibility.

What I am wondering is: how do I go about building a support network? It seems that a strong support network is always listed as being important for improving functionality with ADHD and depression.

I don’t want to look for another male partner just to have someone to lean on temporarily. I’m really not in a place where I’m feeling good enough about myself or balanced enough to try and enter into a relationship (especially with a total stranger). I don’t want a sex life right now either. It makes me too vulnerable.

I’m afraid to let people know me, because I always seem to say the wrong things and I am unintentionally offensive or disclose too much personal information. I can’t seem to keep secrets or stop oversharing. My house is a disaster (just busy, messy, cluttered from me and 4 of my kids living here) and I don’t let anyone inside.

I feel like I need to go back and learn all of the social skills that I should have learned at age six. I don’t know where to start.

Is there anyone that’s a few steps ahead of me on a similar path that might show me the way?

[Attentiondefdiff]

Therapy is a good place to start. Learn all you can about ADHD and how it presents in your life. Sari Solden’s books are great. Don’t think in the lines of building a support network. Get out and explore groups you can join for free that will help you make new friends. Learn all you can about self compassion and become your own supporter. Leave the past, don’t dwell on it, leave the people who do not support you in the past and get to know you. It really doesn’t matter how the past was you can’t change it but you can develop a passion for an amazing future and go for it! You are the first person in your supportive network.

[STEM_Dad]

I would recommend trauma therapy, because of the abusive relationship and loss of your mom. Your husband's controlling behavior is a form of abuse, in itself. There is additional help for that (you don't have to have suffered physical violence to have been abused... abuse comes in many forms, including verbal, emotional, psychological).

Many therapists have a sliding scale, to help clients who have a lower income. You can ask about that. If your therapist doesn't do that, then ask if they know of any other therapists who might.

You might benefit from attending a support group.

For socializing, here are some ideas:

• The next time someone suggests getting coffee, reply, "Sure! When?" And schedule it.

• Check Meetups in your area, social groups you are interested in. Find a group that has a similar interest, and focus your conversation in that shared interest.

• Try talking a bit with the parents of your kids' friends. You already have one thing in common, and maybe you'll discover more in common. You don't have to become friends with them, and you can keep the conversation on the kids.

~~~~~

I need to take my own advice 🤔. I've been divorced a year and a half, and I moved to be close to my ex-wife because we have shared custody of our younger kids.

I used to be part of a tight knit group at church, but due to Covid isolation and then the divorce, I feel like I've got no friends in that group anymore. (They are 2000 miles away from me now, anyway.) People I thought would be there for me vanished, as if divorce was contagious. (My wife left me, I didn't leave her.)

So, I'll admit I've got some trust issues with church.

The rural area that I now live in doesn't have any Meetup groups for me, but maybe I should start one. I might even try to start a CHADD affiliate group. But my own issues with anxiety and mild depression have kept me stuck.

Like you, I don't think a relationship is what I need right now, but I'm lonely... And I admitted to myself yesterday that I'm sad with how my life has been like in recent years. It's not depression, it's genuine sadness. And now that I realize that so clearly, I want to start doing things that will make me happier.

I've got a list of things I want to do. I should start doing some of them.