Failure to launch

[Lucki99]

Hey guys

I'm 22 y/o and going to graduate from college in a year. I have been living at home and commuting to school for the past 4 years, and have been on the pre-med track since 2019. I did not take advantage of going to school, and although I made some friends, I've isolated myself from them for the past year or so, and now have very little contact with any of them. Part of this is due to my overwhelming self-conciousness and my poor social skills where I tend to freeze and tense up during conversations and end up blurting out something random just so that I say something .

A year ago I broke up with my girlfriend and this sent me on a downward spiral of isolation and intense rumination, and I ended up staying in my bed doing the bare minimum for my classes and completely ignoring my med school responsibilities. Most of my days were spent sleeping all day and staying awake ruminating and distracting myself until 4 am, and convincing my parents that I was handling my responsibilites. I have managed to maintain a high gpa and get A's in most of my classes through heavy procrastination followed by intense focus a few days before exams, but as most of my classes didn't require attendance I never attended any.

When the time came for me to take my mcat I delayed studying for months. I would research the best study schedules for weeks, and then feel paralyzed on where to start. As the date for the MCAT came closer and closer I'd delay it again. This happened 3 times over the past year and I have had extreme expectations for myself that I failed to even attempt. I have an intense fear of failure that ironically is guaranteeing failure because it causes outrageous procrastination. I feel like if I'm not close to perfect theres no point in even trying. I'm 22 now feeling overwhelming anxiety, frustration and lonlieness and I just want to give up.

I'm convinced that I'll never get married and start a family, buy a house or have a career, and that I'll probably end up staying in my parents house for a few years until they decide enough is enough and kick me out.

Although my parents did put a lot of pressure on me I only have myself to blame and I feel so stuck in life. I'm supposed to take my mcat in 2 months but I know it's next to impossible for me to do well and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

I have not been diagnosed with adhd and would love to talk to a mental health professional because I see so many symptoms in my life that match up with it. My parents would not support this because they don't really believe in these kinds of disorders, nor would they allow me to get a job because that would be "distracting me from medicine" so I'm at a bit of a loss on how I would afford treatment/counseling.

I know this has been a convulted rant, but I'm looking for any possible advice on how I can raise my self esteem and perhaps get treatment/support/diagnosis on my adhd symptoms, so that I can get out of this rut.

[CountryCelery]

This sounds like me when I was your age, Lucki99, so much so that it’s as if I was reading a transcript of my own thoughts when I was 22.

There’s a lot to unpack here, so I’ll do my best to keep things as high-level as possible. At least, it might give you a starting point to take the next step.

First, let me say that I understand your situation. I grew up in a household where doctors were treated with disdain and mental health professionals were servants of the devil. I constantly heard that “only crazy people go to psychologists, and you’re not crazy.” Looking back, I can see many mental health issues in my family, but because of the generation and culture (I was born in 1968, and my mom was from Latin America), no one talked about their challenges.

Second, the dynamic with my parents was such that I couldn’t do anything without their approval. If mom, in particular, didn’t like something, I had to give it up. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I finally had the courage to tell her, “This is MY life, so stay the f*** out of it.”

Mind you, I’m not a doctor, therapist, or licensed professional, so I’m not offering any sort of diagnosis. That said, here is my impression based on what you shared.

1) You want more control over your life, but you don’t know how to do that because you feel your choices have backed you into a corner.

2) You’re studying medicine to make your parents happy, not because it’s something you want. I could be wrong, but that’s the impression I get.

3) Your relationship with your parents means a great deal to you, so you do what they want to keep the peace with them.

4) You feel desperate because you feel trapped. You depend on your parents for your livelihood and economic support, and you’re afraid that if you try to gain some control over your life, your parents will cut you off.

Again, my impression could be wrong, but given that I went through something similar at your age, I suspect I might be in the ballpark.

Before I continue, I want to say YAY YOU for honoring yourself enough to declare, “I want to get better, and I won’t let anything stand in my way.”

Raising your self-esteem starts with awareness, but it isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes work. There is no magic pill that suddenly makes us love ourselves. I wish there were because my life would’ve been much better. We often have to face ugly truths about ourselves and move through them before we can reach the point where we can accept and love ourselves unconditionally.

I agree that working with a mental health professional is the best place to start. However, not having your own insurance makes it difficult to get that help.

That said, talk to your school. Most universities and colleges have free mental health services for their students that you can use as a starting point. Be completely transparent with them about the challenges you face at home. I’m not saying that you should lie to your parents, but your school counselors may be able to help you find resources to get the mental health treatment you seek while keeping it as private as possible.

I hope that helps.

[STEM_Dad]

As CountryCelery said, most colleges and universities have services available to help struggling students. (My observation is that larger schools and public schools are more likely to have support serves.)

I worked at a public university for 10 years which I discovered had at least 3 programs which could help ADHD students, and more resources available to any students who need assistance.

When in doubt about what assistance is available, ask your academic counselor, the office of the Dean for your college, or the office of the Dean of Students for the university.

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When I was about your age, my girlfriend dumped me. I didn't get help or counseling, and ended up dropping out of school. In hindsight, I realize that I was in a depression all that time. (It was moderately deep to begin with, and mild for most of that time.)

Talking about a "failure to launch"...it took 4 years for me to pick up the pieces, and my parents tolerated me living with them while working a part time job. (I tried much of that time to move up or get hired into a full time job, with no luck. But my lack of self-confidence and persistent mild depression showed.)

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Depression can greatly interfere with normal living. There's a sigma about it that makes people resist getting help.

I was in my late 30s the first time that I went to counseling, but left counseling as soon as I started to feel better... which was too soon. I was 45 when I first got full mental health support, which also included medication (and my ADHD diagnosis), and it made a huge difference for me.

Anxiety and depression are often comorbidities with ADHD, and they can make ADHD symptoms much worse that normal. Also, untreated ADHD can make a person more prone to anxiety and depression, and can make them more severe.

My advice to you is to get help, and to make a commitment to yourself that in the future you will get help once you notice that you are sliding into depression.

[Mimmy12]

Hi, Lucki99. I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Firstly, you are definitely not the first person to have gotten depressed and separated themselves from others so don’t feel that you are alone. The good news is that it isn’t too late to reach out to your friends or make new ones. Is there one particular friend you feel comfortable reaching out to and try reconnect? You can just tell them you are sorry you lost touch and that you were going through some things. (You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to.). See how that goes and move on from there.

As far as therapy goes. Try reaching out to the counseling services department at your school. There might be programs that you can participate in without needing your parents to even know. Group therapy could be a great option for you if you are feeling socially awkward because it is a safe place to talk about issues and get feedback from your peers. You’ll most likely have an intake and you can bring up your concerns about ADHD there.

As far as the MCATs go, maybe talk to your academic advisor and discuss your concerns about being able to pass them. There may be programs at your school that can help keep you on track,

One thing I am noticing is that you are mentioning your parents a lot. Do you want to go to medical school or is this something that you are doing because your parents want you to? If you are unsure of the answer, it is another thing you can explore with an advisor or therapist. You should feel proud of your good grades. Mine were horrid. You may have pulled things off at the final hour but you have been successful. Don’t downplay that!

Don’t lose heart! Ask for help and I am sure things will get better than you think they can.

[notanotter]

You’ve pulled it off so far, so congrats on keeping your options open. That’s impressive given how distressed you’ve been. So you know you have some abilities at least! And you’re very young and have plenty to try.

It’s usually free or low cost for enrolled students to be tested for learning disabilities, ADHD, whatever. My former school would do a full neuropsych test and counseling for nearly free. Get a job on campus to get some cash. I’m sure the counselors talk to many students like you.

Parents don’t need to know details, but you can position any time or tests as advanced study skills or pre med counseling if they harass you.

You have not failed to launch, you’re tuning your system and doing test flights.

[Thosta]

You just crossed the starting line. You pinpointed a problem. Now it looks, feels and tastes too big, and it is. So, dig out your equipment, your tools, your skills and take that problem apart. What do you want yourself to look like/be when you look to the you on the other side of this problem? How many smaller problems can you break it down into? Start with the smallest success, showing up and starting. List them and leave room for three columns. Keep, Share, Buy. The first is all the things you keep and do yourself. the Share is all the things you need help doing. The buy is where you need to pay in money, time, and help in return. The last is a time column split in two. One is for when you think you can have it done and the second is a week/day before it must be done. Get a calendar app and copy all of the dates down, add 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week, and reminders. 1 week is worth 100.1day is worth 75. 1 hour is worth 50. Print off a reminder for over the TV. one for over the computer and send yourself a repeating email. Every point is lifting the guilty weight off you and building mental muscle and self-esteem. Cash some of that in for self care and connection.