Helping from afar

[LoveHerADHD23]

My wife has depression, anxiety, and untreated ADHD. She has decided to separate from our marriage, but the distance is creating more issues for her. Between her work, parenting or being away from our son, and not balancing life in general her mental state keeps deteriorating. I am trying to be supportive and loving, but she keeps pushing away. She has bouts of anger, impulsive actions, rejection sensitive dysphoria, lethargy, and issues concentrating, among others.

Any tips and tricks to help someone come to terms with their ADHD being a major issue in their organization, thought processes, cleanliness and self care, and cause of relationship dissatisfaction?

Hoping to at least get her the help she needs, and preferably rekindle the spark for our marriage.

[BlessedLady]

Is she prescribed medication? If not, she needs to see her doctor. It can also be helpful to see a Psychologist or counselor. Also would be a good idea for you and her to see a marriage counselor. I know this is difficult but remember " in sickness and in health" Hang In There.

[LoveHerADHD23 in reply to BlessedLady]

Thank you. She is just now realizing she needs to adjust medications, but I don't think the care plan is truly getting to the root of the issue and she continues to keep me out of her recovery (has been doing so for years).

I am committed to my vows of sickness and health, richer or poorer, better or worse, and until death. I hope she sees that we can get to the better side of all of those, but that is her decision to make.

I appreicate the support, and I will continue to learn and grow for my sake, for our so, and hopefully for her.

[Knitting20projects]

If she doesn’t sleep well, that definitely contributes to worse functioning overall. It’s really hard to get someone to change, despite every reason in the world that supports it. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope things improve. I agree that a diagnosis if she has ADHD & likely a stimulant if safe for her would probably make a big difference.

[Wasted71years]

Hi LoveHerADHD23

It is almost impossible to force someone to get help until they accept the problem and themselves want a solution.

For a long time your wife has been experiencing all the negatives of ADHD and its common comorbidities like depression and anxiety. The current situation makes things worse, but she has faced challenges for a long time. She had not been ready to understand that all this comes from a neurodevelopmental disorder.

When a loved one has issues but rejects getting help, we can only offer so much advice and gentle nudging before they begin to resent us pushing them. It is hard to be there and see it but in reality it is really hard to make someone else fix themselves.

I am sorry for the woes your wife is facing and sorry for your unhappiness and loss of the relationship.

[Gettingittogether]

The person has to want help, even if they are pessimistic about help doing any good.

I don't mean this as an insult, but why do you want to stay with her if she has all these conditions and problems and resolutely REJECTS getting help or treatment?

I am not asking out of judgment. I am single and I over time went through a big struggle with an ex that refused treatment. Ultimately the marriage blew up, and I look back and see that I wasted all kinds of time and energy trying to convince my ex that she needed help. I wasted so much time that now I think really I was the one--me!!!--who needed help.

I needed help (and I got it) to come out of denial and fantasy. Your situation may differ.

[aWorriedOne]

I would say all you can do is support her. It is really hard to acknowledge your own mental drawbacks and it gets even harder when you have loved ones telling you to do this or that, to get medicated, or to get better at certain things. It might feel like saying those things can be constructive, but if anything, those statements can weigh down someone who is struggling. I don't know if you do this, but if you do, try to refrain from it. Try to use positive affirmations, like "you can do it" or "you'll be okay". It might not always work and she may lash out when you say them, but over time externally hearing those things can change her inner dialogue.

[LoveHerADHD23 in reply to aWorriedOne]

Thanks, and great perspective. I have only mentioned ADHD once, and that definitely did not go over well despite her regular complaints about it. I am definitely focusing on being supportive.

[aWorriedOne in reply to LoveHerADHD23]

If you can, try to help her clean if you notice things are messy and she is having trouble getting out of bed. If you notice groceries missing that she'd need, pick them up while you're out. Remind her about self-care. If she likes to do something that's relaxing, encourage that if you notice her getting wound up. I do advise steering away from alcohol because it is very easy to use as a crutch and can be counterproductive.

I like to meditate in the shower when I get stressed and my husband always points out when he thinks I might needs to. I'm thankful when he does because I don't always notice when I'm getting wound up.

But don't infantilize her, she is a grown woman and should also be treated like she is. It can be easy to make it look like you're treating her like a child if you do these things in certain ways.

[MaudQ]

It’s a tricky call because she obviously isn’t managing very well on her own, but you don’t want to be enabling either. I’ve been there with family members and it’s really hard. I wonder if you could start by taking care of yourself and your child. You are both also going through something right now and also deserve food, rest, a safe clean (ish) house etc. I would also suggest therapy for you not just for emotional support but to help you work out the right balance of caring for your wife in a loving but realistic way. A good therapist can help you sort out what your child needs now, too. For specifics of how to help her now, you could try reading up on LEAP. It’s a strategy for talking to someone who is in denial.

[LoveHerADHD23 in reply to MaudQ]

Thank you for the recommendations. I am looking at therapy options through my insurance, and keeping up with my and my child's needs.

The LEAP perspective is new; I appreciate the recommendation and I am actively looking into the studies and books to get smarter about it.

[NJC12]

Is she treated for depression and anxiety? I started on lexapro for depression 4 years ago and it kind of helped, but not impressively. I finally recently started on strattera and it helps my concentration a lot. I also recently started trazadone to sleep. Recently my depression has gotten worse. I am wondering if it's this new combination of meds. Just mentioning it in case she is already on an SSRI and then adds a non-stimulant adhd medication.

[LoveHerADHD23 in reply to NJC12]

She has been on a number of medications over the years. Currently on daily Desvenlafaxine for depression and klonopin as needed for severe anxiety. Unfortunately these are not fully addressing all of her symptoms, and she is not including me on her care plan.

Thanks for sharing your experience on medications!

[Lpnmba]

Ever worked with an AdHD specific mental health counselor for yourself?

[LoveHerADHD23 in reply to Lpnmba]

I have not, thanks for asking.

I just signed up for a family therapist with ADHD specialty; starting the sessions with just me and hoping to add her one day.

I am digging into reading and podcasts from leading researchers to become more knowledgeable myself, for her sake and potentially that of our son.