How do I get him away from TV, phone & pay attention to me?

[WK572023]

It seems that every minute of downtime, is TV, TV, TV, or the phone, or both at the same time! So frustrating for me as the NON-ADHD wife. Feel so ignored, unimportant, lonely. It does not foster communication. Even TV while eating dinner. And its talk radio in the car too. It never ends, and I feel like the nagging wife to keep having to say something constantly regarding this

[STEM_Dad]

Be supportive of him getting the treatment that he needs for ADHD.

Be loving. Be kind. Be encouraging.

Tell him in a loving way that you want him to spend more time doing things together. Try to come up with things that you can do together...things that are a common interest (preferably several that don't involve screens). Also, take an interest in some of his interests.

People don't remain the same...his interests will evolve...your interests will evolve. Be genuinely curious about what is going on with him.

Remind him of the qualities that you love about him. Reminisce about the things you both enjoyed doing together earlier in your relationship, and maybe revisit some of those things or places that you used to go to together.

As the saying goes, "seek first to understand, then to be understood". I believe that's why you are here, and I commend you for doing so.

According to marriage and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, a couple should "be genuinely curious about each other".

-----

So, extend the olive branch by asking him why he is interested in the programs he chooses. Tell him why you find the things you want his attention on to be so interesting.

ADHD comes with an "interest based" attention, which isn't really an "attention deficit".

There are no easy answers to your question, because he 1) has to want to change his behavior, and 2) the things you want him to be interested in have to be able to hold his attention.

[WK572023 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for your insight, and from a man’s point of view. I know that I am critical of myself. That I come from that in my family & can be of others too. I try really hard to word things in such a way not to come across that way. Im sure it does at times. He says i have a look 👀 lol. I dont know what the look is but its probably irritation or judgment i would imagine.

Working on separating him from the ADHD. I have read so much on the subject. I dont want to take this personal. Its difficult.

He is on medication & has been for several years , but having had ADHD thruout a lifetime, siblings, & his Dad also having it, no one diagnosed or helped in school. Never addressed. Strategies, skills to cope never taught.

Now Im working on getting the right therapist for both of us. This is an us thing.

Its kind of up to me to followthru with this part. He’s not going to do it. He is on board with getting therapy or counseling so this is a good thing

[STEM_Dad in reply to WK572023]

Ah, I guess that I was editing my first response while you were reading it.

Getting a good therapist can certainly help, especially if they can understand ADHD and can help you two translate your intentions to one another's understanding.

I hope it helps.

If there is something active that the two of you like to do together, it may help you out... Tennis, bike riding, hiking, playing pool, playing cards or board games.

-----

I know that TV and phone apps can be both stimulating for dopamine, or a pacifying distraction.

Apps like Facebook, Twitter, a Instagram,TikTok, YouTube Shorts, and countless mobile games are so likely to give repeated Dopamine hits, that they can make neurotypical people seem to have ADHD. They can be even more difficult for those of us with ADHD to limit our use.

(I took most social media apps off of my phone. I still get sucked into YouTube Shorts sometimes. I still have Pinterest on my phone, only because I don't use it obsessively anymore, but I had to remove Facebook. I'll only log in on a web browser, and close the page when I'm done.)

[WK572023]

Thank you!

[BlessedLady]

My husband had ADHD. When we started getting serious. He told me if he was watching TV and I needed his attention. For me to turn the TV off. I would try to get his attention once or twice. If I did not succeed. I turned the TV off. I only had to do this once or twice before we got married. He learned to listen. I also did not constantly interrupt him when he was watching TV. If he was watching TV and what I wanted to talk to him about could wait. I waited. It is a matter of mutual respect.

They did not have cell phones back then. But I think something similar would apply to phones. The only thing is grabbing a phone when someone is on it is not the same thing as turning a TV off. Maybe standing in front of him and asking him several times to put his phone down might work.

Having a rule about no TV and phones being used while eating is Always a good rule.

It sounds like the problems the two of you are having is more than ADHD. Having ADHD does not mean a person can be rude and not pay attention to their partner. Also be sure you give him space and time to watch TV and be on his phone some. It is a balance and takes time to achieve. Seeing a marriage counselor would be a good idea

[Happytiredbunny]

I have adhd as a wife, and my husband is always complaining about me constantly watching Netflix or listening to my phone with headphones in or watching tv ect. He feels ignored and he’s not wrong though it’s never intentional! I get quite angry when he interrupts because it’s a coping strategy 😬 one thing that has helped is if I’m cooking, he comes out and joins me rather than talking at me while I’m trying to concentrate on cooking and using Netflix to help me focus! Another thing is both leaving our phones in a different room for the evening so it’s not picked up habitually! I can play games and watch tv and it is fine for me but it annoys my husband! If the tv is getting monotonous for you, plan some games you can do together! Next is plugging phones in to charge downstairs at night so neither of us are tempted to pick it up in bed! Supposed to be good for the brain! Also, the whole watching tv while eating thing, if he’s anything like me he has constant dialogue in his brain so the tv will help drown that out, sitting still and holding a conversation while eating is exhausting because of our executive function so listening to music or watching tv can make it more bearable!

Remember the constant noise and stimulation is a coping strategy so be loving in how you suggest things and keep things positive, doing the above was good for me and my husband but when someone tries to take away a coping strategy because they don’t like it, it can make ya feel pants and stupid maybe don’t say we’re not watching tv while we eat tonight, say let’s have some music on in the background or play naughts and crosses or word association while we eat 😂 fun is the answer!

[Gettingittogether]

ADHD people are highly prone to addictions, including technology and the internet. It's one of my battles. I use internet blockers to limit my time online. And I feel so much more alive when not online all the time.

Its kind of up to me to followthru with this part. He’s not going to do it. He is on board with getting therapy or counseling so this is a good thing

This statement bothers me. Not that I'm blaming you but as far as I know, he has to take the initiative to deal with this. I mean, OK, I get it. You're trying to be constructive. But is he talking to anyone about his internet stuff?

[PinkPanda23]

I'm the ADHD wife to an OCPD husband. If ever opposites attracted, it was us! Neither of us had a diagnosis when we met, dated and married, so we were coping and masking as best we could. We met in Alcoholics Anonymous, so dealing with our addiction using the Twelve Steps got us through our first dozen or so years together.

We both were unemployed in 2010, and I insisted on outside help to get us through this very rough patch. I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2011, and he with OCPD a year or so later. Now we had names for why we behaved as we did, and new things to work on individually. We slowly learned enough about each other's conditions to let go of resentments and offer more empathy.

But that only goes so far. I still have ADHD, and the knowledge doesn't make it go away! I'm susceptible to anything where I can become engrossed - TV, books, cell phones, tablets. My mind drifts off in the middle of conversations, I blurt things out and interrupt, I forget things, misplace things, can't fall asleep at night, can't wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, I can't tolerate stimulant medication, which did help for the first one or two years, since I had chemo eight years ago. My husband and I are still navigating my peculiarities daily.

To be fair, there are things he does that are hard on the relationship as well. I think all relationships have these challenges even without mental conditions.

I will suggest the book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, by Melissa Orlov. My counselor recommended it for us, and I think it can help anyone in an ADHD relationship. Good luck!

[WK572023 in reply to PinkPanda23]

Hi there, well my husband is ADHD & I was diagnosed a few years ago with OCPD. Yes talk about polar opposites. How ironic when i read your post. I read all i can on both of our issues. Its been difficult but do-able. Still navigating all of it. Its a work in progress. I used to be a drinker until about 5 yrs ago. Have attended AA & we have had some marriage therapy. I have read the book by Melissa Orlov on marriage & ADHD, Im reading it again. Another excellent read for OCPD is “The Healthy Compulsive.”

I stumbled upon Chadd recently. Its been a great outlet for me in understanding & hearing so many & my own situation. Not feeling alone in these struggles. Picking up on tips & strategies from others has been helpful

[Khyson2019]

We run from any form of criticism, but we will build a house for anyone who gives us genuine praise. Most of us have been told since childhood how we are messing up, your too loud, your room is a mess, why don't you write neat like your brother, and the list goes on. Our self esteem is so low that even someone's facial expression makes us feel worthless. On the outside we look like the confident life of the party because we have masted how to mask, but the truth is we don't feel like we are measuring up. It's exhausting. Never ask a question that starts with why did you? Or where is the...? Seek professional help because it's nice to speak to someone that isn't judging you.