I’ll keep this short because I have a tendency to not get to the point until after a long drawn out story! Haha so my friend asked me why I’m seeking therapy, she said “am I not enough for you?” I’m flattered she wants to be there for me in that way but I told her “I just need the help, I need proper tools to get passed my problems that I find very severe and I don’t want to burden you with all my stuff…. I also find it really important to be diagnosed fully. My psychiatrist thinks it could be more than ADHD and I just want to know for myself and so my son has a clear understanding of what he may or may not struggle with in the future.” And she replied “so you just want to have a label then basically. You want to be diagnosed to have a label?” My question is, why do you think people think or say that? My guess? Because either they don’t know they need help themselves or maybe it’s that it’s easy for a normal person to think it’s just a label. Hi I’m (my name) and I have a label! Nice to meet you! My thing is that I have been struggling my whole life…. It’s not a label.. it’s answers…
“You just want the label don’t you?” - CHADD's Adult ADH...
“You just want the label don’t you?”
Hi Pianoplayer28- I totally agree with you. I think sometimes or maybe a lot of times people do not understand and have their own insecurities on getting help themselves. There is still such a strong stigma in seeking mental health treatment and not recognized as a real medical condition that it is. I know I did not go to the psychiatrist to get a “label”. I desperately needed help and after years of struggling I finally sought help. I think it takes a lot of courage to seek help, go to therapy and work on yourself. I understand the frustration as the one time I told a friend I was diagnosed with ADHD they basically said it was not true and judged me for taking medications. Since then I have told no one. I am so tired of the judgements people make when they are not in your situation. I believe no one wants a label but answers and help to feel better.
Most people tell on themselves in their reactions, so it helps me to think about that whenever I'm feeling stung by an insensitive remark. It's a them-thing, not a me-thing.
It sounds like your friend gets some of her own needs met by being helpful to you, like feeling needed or respected for their advice. Then when you say you want to work with a professional, she could be reading that as rejection of the value she provides. The "label" thing is what she's telling herself as the rationale for you choosing a professional "over" her.
I find it doesn't help to debate these things. I will either set a boundary and change the subject (like you said - "I appreciate how much you listen and advise me, and I also want support from a professional therapist. Oh have you watched The Dropout on Hulu yet?" or whatever the subject change is. Or if it is someone who I'm really close to, I'll ask a question. "It sounds like you're concerned about me getting therapy, what's important for you about that" and see what they say. Often a direct question like that will get them to stop and think, and let it go. If they put it back on me, then I will usually set a boundary. "Oh, I'm so glad you care about me like that, but that isn't something that I'm worried about for myself. [subject change]."
YOU find it important to be diagnosed fully. That's all you need! Keep repeating it and know that if other people call that "needing a label," it's about them and not about you. You got this.
common misconception ... especially with certain diagnoses ... when someone gets a particular heart diagnosis (i just got high cholesterol diagnosis), it's not a label ... it's a description of a medical condition/problem ... and the goal is once you identify the condition, you can look to treat it, reduce it, control it ... ideally of course, you'd cure it ... but most conditions can't be cured from what I can tell ... but they can be treated ... i.e. the harm of the condition can be limited ...
what your friend is missing is that adhd is a brain diagnosis ... she's probably thinking of school ... and the "label" from school. you're interested an official declaration that your brain behaves the way an ADHD brain would behave .... So yes, you are looking for a label as in an answer! ... there's therapy in just figuring out what's going on with us! ... even if the news is bad ... but the diagnosis is also a starting point for limiting the problems created by the condition ... just like my high cholesterol diagnosis ... I'm now on a lose dose of a statin ... but I'm also being treated for a knee problem ...I tore my meniscus and strained my knee ligament .... the doctor identifies the problem/describes it with specificity and draws on their knowledge ... so I'm in pt for the knee ...
it's easy for friends to miss adhd ... don't take it too personally ... if you were dating someone and they saw your world up close day to day, the person would probably understand your hunch that you have adhd ...
Yeah keep your head up.A diagnosis gives you further understanding of ways you may be struggling and how you may experience impairment in your life. Being realistic and having that knowledge is so important.
Stigma sure is real though, and people will make up complete fiction about you and your diagnosis.
This is your journey to health and happiness and knowledge is power. If people don't respect your journey and your need for security and information then avoid them..
A couple thoughts:1. EVERYBODY has issues of on type or another.
2. NOBODY is normal.
3. It is much easier to dig into someone else than to explore oneself.
4. ADHD people are very interesting and with hyper focus, on issues and activities they enjoy, they are a tour de force.
5. Yes doing projects that are unpleasant can be hard, so maybe do what you are interested and be excellent at. Most of what we don’t like to do, can easily be handled by someone else. (ie house cleaning, tidying up, washing your car). These are not the types of chores that make some great anyways.
6. People that have ADHD feel their world more, are much more engaged with their interests, tend to have higher IQs, tend to be more creative, etc
Label me as ADHD, I take that as a compliment. It is not a dis function or mental disorder, it’s a gift that I am great full for.
The bottom line is play and live to your strengths instead of finding fault with not falling lockstep into a “normal”/ boring world experience.
Just, my ever so humble, opinion
How weird, it sounds like your friend considers friendship to be a form of amateur therapy? What is your friendship based on; do you have any interests in common? Your seeking therapy is none of her business. Maybe remind her she’s not a therapist?
Seems like your friend gets a positive experience out of giving you advice and being there for you which is cool and all that but the comment about wanting a label is not acceptable. I think it says more about your friend than it does about you, you’re looking for answers and someone to confide in whilst on this journey. If they aren’t going to support you then I think maybe don’t tell them the diagnosis unless you can have a conversation and they understand why you’re seeking further help. It’s a shitty situation to be in especially when they’ve been there for you but just remember in no way are you seeking a label you’re wanting answers and exploring the right avenues for them. Best of luck with your therapy 💛
Analogy ... imagine you're walking around and feeling out of breath and you suspect you have a heart issue. I have had several family members experience heart problems and heart failure that made them out of breath. Your friend is saying the equivalent of:
"You just want the label" (of a heart problem). Can you see how ridiculous that is?!
My wife once said to me "stop using ADHD as an excuse for your bad behavior". Since then, I rarely mention it and certainly not as a reason for why I behave a certain way.
I got the impression that me attributing a behavior to ADHD was an excuse. It was taking away my personal responsibility. I was able to blame something else and I didn't have to own it or try to change. "Why bother trying? It's my ADHD, so it's not something I can change."
I was a 8th grade teacher and I definitely heard that from kids now and then. Trying to hold someone accountable for their actions and they pull out "Well, I have ADHD so I can't help it".
Adults can do this too. Use a label as an excuse or justification. Sometimes it's completely valid "Sorry, I can't read that from here, I'm nearsighted".
Reading your post, my hackles go up at the accusation of just looking for a label. That's purely based on my own negative experiences though.
Analogy: "You don't have asthma!"I was diagnosed with asthma as a kid. All I knew was that it hurt to breathe sometimes, like feeling pins in my lungs, and I couldn't breathe in as deeply. (A bad asthma attack for me feels like I've been stabbed in the lung with an ice pick!)
I've had people tell me I don't have asthma, because I don't have it in the same way that they or someone else they know has asthma. When people say that to me, it feels like they are accusing me of claiming asthma as a label. I don't experience wheezing, gasping for air, or my lips turning blue. I don't have attacks several times a day, like some people do. I typically get a few attacks (as little as 2 or 3) each year.
* I've had more frequent attacks since I had COVID last September than I have had in any year since I was 12...and it's only been seven months.
* I discovered around age 20 that my asthma is triggered by fungal spores (mold, mildew, and mushrooms), although COVID proved to me that I can have the same reaction (sharp pain and breathing difficulty) when I have had pneumonia recently.
(It's also assumed that people who have asthma as kids will grow out of it, just like was assumed about ADHD for such a long time. That's a fallacy. Some people grow out of it, but many people have asthma for their entire life. ... Personally, I don't think anyone "grows out of" ADHD, but maybe some people figure out ways to be less impacted by their ADHD traits.)
Ironically, I have found my ADD to get worse with age. I didn't even know I had it (honestly, the diagnoses didn't exist when I was a kid). It wasn't until I was in my 40s and I had a son who was exhibiting all the traits that I began to connect the dots for myself. It was absolutely impacting my life at that time and neither myself nor my wife could figure out what was going on with me. 5 years earlier, it wasn't really an issue at all.
From what I can tell, it's actually not uncommon for ADHD to get more severe over time. I think mine is pretty much the same as when I was a teen, but I wasn't diagnosed until 45
Ditto. I'm 68 and still haven't had an official/thorough diagnosis. I do have Bipolar II and have been treated (not very well) since I was 32. A Ph.D. psychotherapist was treating me for Bipolar when I was about 54. He made a couple of offhand comments at the beginning and end of our time together, before he retired. 1) "I think you have a touch of OCD" and 2) "I think you have a touch of ADHD".
After a time, I went without any treatment for Bipolar & other physical conditions, due to lack of $, depression and stigma, etc. By the age of 58 or 59, it all came to a head & I got 2 panic attacks within 2 weeks. I got referred to a large community-based clinic. They never gave me a diagnosis. Why? I was told by the head of clinical therapy that, yes I could take paper/pencil questionnaire tests, but nobody in the entire place was trained to evaluate it! I've received the wrong pharmacological treatment for both ADHD and the Bipolar (!!!) Now it's 2022 and I'm in the process of finding new treatment. Discontinued seeing my last in a series of therapists in the clinic. I will soon find a new psychiatrist with more specialized ADHD experience, who can also treat my comorbid Bipolar disorder. Meantime I'm still researching which place/provider can perform a complete diagnosis at the lowest cost and is accessible for me.
I think my untreated ADHD became worse primarily because it was 1) not diagnosed in the first place and 2) improperly/incompetently treated when I sought help at a more advanced age. Also, I think normal aging/cognitive changes have an effect on the severity of my symptoms. Oh, one thing I'm concerned about is a family history of dementia in my Mom's family. Her mother and 2 older brothers had it, she has it too. We were aware of her decline over 5 years ago, she's 90 now. I can't change my genetics, I can maintain a healthy lifestyle (including social connections) to stave off slow the possibility of my suffering from it. Of course, treating ADHD comes first!
Anxiety and depression are common comorbidities with ADHD.
I was diagnosed by a licensed mental health counselor with both anxiety and ADHD. I haven't been diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder), but I've felt the effects of anxiety many times in my life (and depression a handful of times). - Anxiety treatment was one of the
Both diagnoses were confirmed by my doctor, who evaluated me for both after the counselor did. (The state I was living in allows licensed counselors to make diagnoses, but still only doctors or psychiatrists can prescribe medication.)
The time I was diagnosed with anxiety was when I had it the worst. I noticed that my ADHD symptoms were much more severe when I had the anxiety, but they returned to normal levels when the anxiety was well-controlled. Then, my counselor reassessed me and said that my normal ADHD severity is "mild to moderate".
-----
One big factor in dementia is genetics, but taking good care of your health and remaining socially active are two of the best things you can do. (Also, keep learning.)
My great-grandmother had dementia, but she was a lifelong alcoholic, so there's no knowing whether she might have developed dementia otherwise.
For years almost in tears, I would try and explain my assorted diagnosis to people. I always hoped they would understand why I do the things I do. Gradually, I let go of that need. I still explain, but only for my desires not theirs. Google is a perfectly decent explanation tool for folks who want to know more as an accomplice to my day to day living strategies.
I am not interested in making people comfortable with my diagnosis any longer.
This took a long time. I was diagnosed in my 40s and initially wanted everyone to know this is why I have "fill in the blank" behaviors.
Nope. Not no more. Not gonna do it.
I love my friends they are like family. I think almost all of them now have done their own research.
They for the most part respect my needs for strict self care with sleep hygiene, diet, exercise and so on. But I had to teach people how to treat me. Really I had to teach me how to treat me.
Part of that is finding good supports.
This group of folks are amazing for that support.
As always, this is my approach. It has what has worked for me. I wish you well in however you pursue this journey with your friend.
Cheers Bud!
Interesting...
Besides my wife, who was in this journey with me and was part of the reason I discovered it at all, I have never felt even the slightest compulsion or urge to tell anyone I have ADD. Meaning, I don't hide it, but I don't advertise it either. If it is relevant to the conversation topic I might mention it as a data point, but it's kind of like having a 3rd nipple. It's part of who I am, but others don't really need to know about it just for the sake of knowing. I'm neither ashamed, nor proud of it. I act a certain way because I'm me and my actions work for my life. Anyone who has known me for years already knows I act a certain way and either accept it, or don't. Explanations won't change any of that.
I just assumed younger people who are still discovering who they are might feel the need to share this with others. Again, no judgement from me either way. I just didn't feel that way and attributed it to finding out after I was in my 40s.
There are many people who do not really understand the place of psychotherapy and psychiatry. Often people feel threatened by mental healthcare in general. It's hard to assess what's happening in the mind of this particular friend of yours but it sounds like they might be afraid of what you'll discover through treatment - or afraid of you not needing them as much if you get well through treatment. It might be a good moment to assess your friendship with her and ask yourself what the nature of the friendship is - what makes it tick - and if you need to change anything about it. Perhaps she cos just scared for you. If so, an open conversation with her should be able to address that.
As for "labeling" ... Well, even a good psychotherapist would say that labels are only useful for a couple things (insurance, medications, focusing their side of therapy) and often do not really want their patients to dwell too much on them. So, ironically, your friend might be accidentally touching on a nugget of truth, if for the wrong reasons.
Personally, i have found diagnoses helpful. But I recognize that there were times when I was too preoccupied with them. Perhaps discuss this tricky issue directly with your therapist. It should be a helpful conversation.
Everyone has their own opinion about ADHD and I’d say people my age (55) don’t know much about ADHD except that kids have it and it’s treated with stimulants. Lots of parents against that. I never thought that I would be diagnosed with it, but it’s actually quite debilitating in my career and I’m in the process of taking some medical leave to give my mental health some focus. I’m medicated and have a great therapist, but a job that requires me to switch subjects every couple of minutes, which makes it impossible to focus.
If you get diagnosed you will have both. a label and answers. ADHD is an umbrella title for a condition that is pretty broad. There are many many levels that they used to call the 'spectrum'. Apparently, if I understood right, they're not allowed to do that anymore. The spectrum still exists though, and it dictates the levels of ADHD. There's ADHD and ADD. High functioning Autism to severe. All have different symptoms and not everyone has all symptoms. There isnt a 'main' symptom that insist you have ADHD. You maybe able to focus and concentrate but be hyperactive and unorganised. It's sign of ADHD but not definite. That's what you're after, by the sounds of it. An answer to why you are experiencing the symptoms you do. Like I said though, your friends right. You want the label/title because you're looking for that, but at the same time, you also need answers. When you finally find out, you will have both. It'll either be 'not' ADHD, or 'ADHD', ADD or not ADD.
Dont forget it all goes on your medical record, diagnosed or not, there is a paper trail that will show 'at one point in your life' you went for that help. If you get a negative diagnosis, it'll probably be Autism or Aspergers but it's all dependant on what you say to them. Tell them the truth, and if you really have ADHD, you dont need to act. You already are and yourself is more that enough to get a diagnosis.
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Nowadays Counselors don’t care they just want to make a buck like any business.
I just wanted to share something that made me so happy.
Wanting and just because I can
Free Falling - I don't want to be fired.
How do you know if you are just stupid?
Hey, I wanted to ask you guys this question who are going through something similar as I am.
Do I or don’t I? 
My second post: I want to learn from you. I want to finally belong
Delayed my ADHD diagnosis for 5years
