I'm in an ugly position. Although I'm now "stable" on my meds, and they have been helping to an extent, I'm at the anger/frustration stage - having gone from a procrastinating, lazy, dishevelled slob to a moderately-okay-at-looking-after-myself kind of person, I'm now dealing with the realisation that this medication should have been given to me years ago - decades even.
I'm angry at the wasted life, that I could have been able to focus on a hobby better than wasting thousands on frivolous hobbies. I could have worked harder at any one of the jobs I've had, made a career of it - heck, even done the job of my dreams...
But no. It's not the case. I'm stuck here and now, and although I can kind of accept that this is the way it's happened, I find it hard to process properly.
Which leads me to...
I can't get therapy. The costs are too high, our business has taken a hit owing to a certain pandemic happening - we are surviving, but the costs of a therapist are astronomical to us at this moment. Even in our better working times, it's still really high costs to consider.
I've tried to look at books to help - but I have an acute aversion to self-help books, given the lack of usefulness to me personally. Even ADHD books just aren't even hitting the spot in terms of helping. Sure, they helped to understand the condition, how it affects people, but did very very little in terms of helping me feel I could overcome it.
I guess I'd give an example here, but it's really hard to pin down. Examples from an Adult ADHD book included systems like reward tokens for things I achieved. To me, that was simplistic and childish. Making things like a game don't help me either. I guess I'm too damaged and serious from all the depression I've had to live with over the last 40-odd years.
So, self-help books are out, can't afford a therapist, I've tried numerous therapy/ADHD-oriented apps (like Headspace, Inflow, etc), even trying to read motivational stuff just is... eurgh. I just can't stand it.
I thought about trying to follow some philosophies, but can't get started. Even the basics are horrendously complex for me - I'm the sort of person who gets bored of things once they understand the concept of how a subject/activity works. Only a few things have succeeded - photography, music are my main two passions.
I don't know what to do - where to look - how to move forward. And to do that on a budget of next to nothing....
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Tarknassus
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Your profile says that you're from the UK. I'm in the US. I know that here, some therapists will offer a "sliding scale" payment option (usually for a certain percentage of their clients, like up to 20% of the clients they are).
Other than that, you can look for support groups, or other resources like this one:
I'm not familiar with how the NHS works, but I've seen people post things online about how long it can take to get an appointment for anything.
I got my ADHD diagnosis in 2020 at 45. I've felt similarly about how things in my life could have been so much different had I simply known I have ADHD, and possibly much better if I'd been on medication and gotten coaching. But generally, I try not to dwell too much on that, and try to focus on what I can learn from my past.
For years before my diagnosis, disappointed with my "progress" in life I used to spend up to a few hours a day pondering how my life could have been different if I had done things differently. But then I think that if I'd done things differently, I wouldn't have the knowledge I've gained from how I did live my life. So if I had done things differently, I probably still would have wished I could go back and make changes. I think it's just a human trait not to be satisfied.
(The last few years of going through career struggles, enduring the pandemic, also getting diagnosed with ADHD, along with surviving infidelity & divorce, I think I've become more philosophical about life.)
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Since I've had to go through grief for my marriage, and ultimately reaching the "acceptance" stage in that, I think it has also helped me to accept my life as it has played out. I'm not giving up all hope for a good life (in fact, I've become more hopeful as a result).
Truth be told, I have gotten some counseling and therapy, and at least 2/3 of it was helpful, some not very helpful, and one session was absolutely abysmal. (Needless to say, I did not reschedule with that particular therapist).
i got diagnosed way late too and went thru that seriously pissed off stage too. first relief, then it was the crushing thoughts of a wasted life. i think alot if us go thru that same thing. so everything you experienced is typical.
when you are reading those self help and ADHD books and websites, etc- is it for the purpose of getting over your anger about late diagnosis? is that what you would like therapy for?
yea, trying to lean into some guru and philosophy sounds like tedious epic fail. lol. write your own philosophy!!! oh and that whole reward chip thing is ridiculous. ive always hated crap like that even way before i knew i had ADHD. when i read your post about that i totally remembered a former employer trying a chip program and spin a wheel for prizes, blah blah blah and i went psychotic on the inside😂😬
life is a journey, not a destination. i validate the notion that ADHD kinda stole first 1/2 of our lives- be stubborn and refuse to allow it to steal your joy for remainder of your life, lol.
i find that humor and connecting with friends that are like minded is best medicine for me. we can laugh about really dark shit knowing that deep down its just our way of processing disappointment, regret, and all that negative crap.
I loved your recommendation to "write your own philosophy!" I have been trying to work on that but I find it quite hard as I am so fed up and cynical but I am also knowledgeable enough to know that I personally actually know very little and that most of what I know is probably wrong. I have found many of the writings of the Buddhist teacher Thic Naht Hanh who died recently very helpful, although as I blurted out to my wife during his funeral (it was streamed online and we were watching at home but I was still being rude): I love buddhism and many of the teachings, but I don't understand at all how so many men can live together without female or male sexual relations. Yes, I understand that some people are asexual, but and this is completely non-judgemental it seems to be really sad to me that so many of these people are forbidden from having physical relations with either sex, and frankly it makes me question all of their philosophy to a certain extent. Anyways, my apologies for the ramble, and thank you!
no apologies needed. ranting is our ADHD way. us late diagnosed folks spent our whole lives trying to explain ourselves so it just comes with the territory! lol
yea, monks, nuns, spiritual gurus, etc etc- all great if u were born into it. but thinking that there is something wrong with you and having such a huge insatiable desire to find peace and happiness sets us ADHD folks up for epic fail. we try to be neurotypical n zen and lets face it- we arent wired that way. so in our quest for peace- we create a sure way for failure. im not saying no monk in history of ever doesnt also have ADHD. but im pretty freaking positive no middle aged person with a sex drive successfully found ADHD peace by joining a monastery!!!
we crave that peace and naturally ( bc we are smart) we seek people who have it and try to emulate them.
i may be wayyyy wrong ( i usually am to a degree, lol) but i think we have to write our own ADHD manual( vs a neurotypical manual) and decide on our own philosophy that will likely made up of all sorts of quirky cool shit, lol. and use that manual as guidance n our vector.
after trying n failing at every single method of finding peace and purpose n all that crap…. i concluded that im just not gonna fit into one life ideology on the market. i steal from all of them n create my own. it works well for me.
i learned this after reading an article in ADDitude about how expert counselors have failed at treating ADHD bc they try to teach us to be neurotypical. instead, the article suggested that we embrace ourselves as is and when we do that- we start feeling good in our own skin, no more imposter shit and when we get to that point we thrive.
Sex produce a certain type of energy. That energy that is exchanged are really useful for couples. It’s one of the reasons religions of all kinds defend the sacred matrimonial between two individuals. There are some energies that can only be manipulated when you are free.
Hi, I totally hear you and understand what you are saying, although of course I know that all of us are completely different and all of our struggles have been very different. I spent an hour yesterday talking to my brilliant neurologist - I have been dealing with severe cognitive issues that may or may not be ADHD related - he is incredibly generous with his time and I am incredibly fortunate to have found him. Anyways, in the past year I was prescribed by two different psychiatrists six different ADHD medications and none of worked for me, however I have been seen a lot of improvement recently on two of the Alzheimer's/cognitive improvement medications, although I have a long ways to go. Anyways, it was refreshing to talk to him because he really is an expert on the brain, but he doesn't personally prescribe ADHD medications and defers to psychiatrists even though it is an issue for many of our patients. Anyways, we talked about how now I might benefit from ADHD medications and how one medication that could possibly help me Intuniv (generic name: guanfacine) no one really seems to know how it works to improve ADHD functions. This was a really long-winded way of saying that I think that it is wonderful that you have found medication that is working for you now, and it is hard to know whether the same medication would have actually helped years or decades ago. On top of that as you will find on this forum, many people have struggled with a medication working for years or even decades and then starting to have significantly decreased effectiveness. For me, I have found being positive and forward looking is really helpful, even if you are understandably pissed off and frustrated that the system and doctors failed you in the past. One last thing, and you may think it silly - I know that I do - especially because these specific meditatios are for kids, but they are free and available online, so I can recommend them without hesitation: "Friendly Wishes is based on the traditional practice known as Metta or Lovingkindness meditation." I think adult versions might also work but I have found the versions for kids by Annaka Harris to be the best. annakaharris.com/friendly-w... note that Annaka married to Sam Harris that has developed his own rather expensive app called Waking Up. I have used the Waking App up for several months and I just found it to be mediocre and somewhat overpriced.
This is so frustersting feeling! I totally get you. Here in Canada we have some universal covered therapy but the wait lists are insane and a lot of private mental health clinics cost $150 per hour and not every benefits plan covers it. I feel you about some of the self help books - I do find they CAN be helpful for understanding condition but don’t give a lot of strategies.
The one thing that worked for me is self compassion mindfulness. Acceptance with ADHD is a hard thing and making the condition a battle within your mind does make things a lot worse. I’ve been trying to really focus on the little things I do RIGHT and changing my inner self talk monologue. If I focus on a task for even 5 minutes I congratulate myself and I don’t put myself down in comparison to someone else who doesn’t have ADHD. Think - our brains are FUNDAMENTALLY different from neurotypical people and comparing ourselves to that level is actually really self harming.
I struggled ALOT this week with my meds not working as well, general over stimulation and feelings of being overwhelmed even tho looking logically my week was NOT that stressful. When I could take myself out of that headspace and say - wait - the moments you WERE overstimulated were ALOT shorter in time then previously and that’s a success.
It’s a strange concept to get behind and takes a lot of mental energy that you may not have to understand the concept but it is one that has helped me just function with this condition while I’m waiting for a therapist.
I hope this somewhat helps and would love to hear your feedback or thoughts or if you have any questions
Hello Tarknassus ! I’m sorry for your loss of those years of your life unaware and the possibilities that could have been. It is a very sad feeling. I hope one day you can feel happiness in where you are and who you are. Sounds like you have waded through enough unhelpful information so i’ll get to the point and list most helpful/ low cost in my experience: exercise with music (running, walking, tai chi, yoga), mindfulness meditation (i like headspace lately), CBT based therapy (low cost/sliding scale: betterhelp.com ), wearing a digital watch, Using a calendar on my phone (I like Moleskin Timepage and Actions), doing something I love to do (get into that hobby!) best of luck
I’m an occupational therapist with ADHD - I was diagnosed at a young age, I want to say 5, but my parents neglected any form of treatment for me. Now, as an adult with my own family, I finally started medication and have been able to access therapy. I completely know how you are feeling in regards to anger. I felt like I could have been treating much longer and been much more successful. I love being an occupational therapist, but I wanted to be a neuropsychologist- requires PhD or PsyD and I never pursued it with my deficits. I think what helped me was 1. Letting myself feel the anger emotion, because it is okay to feel the way you feel 2. Forgiving my parents/they/we did not know what they did not know, and 3. Letting go of the past so I could be in the present. This probably took me about 6 months to do and everyone’s time line is different once they feel hurt/angry.
On a side note, you mentioned not wanting to play games such as rewarding yourself for items you completed - seemed childish to you. What I’ve realized through my practice and therapy experiences is that something that worked for 8 year old you, is still going to work for you now. My question to people is why did you stop doing the things you did as a kid that helped you? What changed?
Once you reflect upon that maybe you will find the answer to what made you become serious in the first place.
All in all, it’s okay to play games. It’s okay to reward yourself for something you did. It’s okay to be proud of something that someone else may perceive as nothing.
Another way to help regulate emotions, is through any movement that involves resistance, weight bearing, and crossing midline (center of our body). I would challenge you to find an activity that works for you - lots of ideas have already been listed such as yoga, going for a run/walk, swimming, strength training, kickboxing, etc. - but you have the find the right one for you.
One therapist I had recommended giving myself gold stars and oh it felt so good to get a gold star! I think it would be helpful for me to restart that practice.
"On a side note, you mentioned not wanting to play games such as rewarding yourself for items you completed - seemed childish to you. What I’ve realized through my practice and therapy experiences is that something that worked for 8 year old you, is still going to work for you now. My question to people is why did you stop doing the things you did as a kid that helped you? What changed?"
I never had this experience as a kid. I was given verbal praise for things by my parents or teachers, when it was deserved.
I referred to ADHD books that suggest these things as practices and find them childish as a 46yo. Even adult ADHD books have these kinds of 'reward games' in them.
I really don't want to feel this anger, because for me it's a huge negative. Not only that, it's random - I can experience the same situations on different days that on one can cause an explosion of anger, on another I'm fine with the situation. It's got no pattern, rhyme or even reason at times.
It's destructive, not only for my state of mind, but also for my wife, our relationship, my possessions (if I happen to be holding something when it happens it may well end up in a wall). Fortunately I have an incredibly high value of life, so it's never aimed at people or animals - with the only exception being towards myself... So trying to feel "normal" about anger that may well end up in my self-harming by hitting myself is not a good thing for me to do. Unfortunately all I know to do is to repress it, but I can only hold so much.
Hey man, sorry to hear about your situation...are you ok to try out self-help CBT? This app really helped me re-assess and validate my thoughts when I struggled through tough times - play.google.com/store/apps/... . Happy to be a friend and chat as well, I've been in those hopeless situations, DM me if you want.
I feel your pain. We can’t let this over take over lives. I’m having same issues but I am in the process of over coming my mental battles and issues one at a time. I’m on multiple meds and treatments but no one understands the difficulties we face every second of our lives. My experience is keeping it simples. Don’t over worry. Don’t let the negativity take over. Let’s help each other. Take care.
I've found the HelloMind app really helpful when I haven't been able to access therapy. It does have a cost but it's much cheaper than even the cheapest therapist. You put in what you want to work on and they generate a playlist of tracks to listen to daily. There's also short booster tracks. It's a little unusual at first but it really helps me a lot.
It's not "therapy" in the traditional sense but I think it does do some of the same things of helping you reflect on yourself and get some positive messages down into your subconscious for it to work on.
Also I would recommend looking into DBT and teaching yourself the skills. You can get books on it and there appear to be online resources as well such as dbtselfhelp.com/ (I haven't tried this one yet but it looks pretty good).
I was in a IOP program "based on" DBT (basically they just weren't certified and didn't do the phone coaching) for depression and anxiety, and have found the skills very helpful in managing ADHD as well.
Hello Tarknassus! I wanted to say first of all that your feelings on this subject are extremely valid. I see these sorts of anger and frustration as almost grieving for a life you wish you could've had, and it's really hard. It's important to allow yourself to feel these emotions, but as you move forward it also important to move past the anger. You are capable and are now better equipped to manage your ADHD. You have the chance *right now* to do what you wish you could've done. I don't know your life circumstances, but if you are frustrated that your ADHD held you back, then don't let it continue to hold you back. Chase what you want to chase, and allow yourself some kindness and grace through the process, as managing ADHD is hard.
I wanted to share some tips for how you might be able to manage your ADHD based on things I've found helpful, as well as general things I've heard other people have success with.
Something I've found success with is spending time thinking about what my goals are, whether it be a task I need to finish, or a project I'm working on, or a new habit that I'm trying to implement. After I've identified what I *want* to achieve, I reflect on what specifically has made it difficult for me to succeed in the past. I think of how I can remove the barriers that make it harder to succeed, as well as how to make my goal more accessible and easier to start.
To share an example, I've been trying to improve my sleep schedule and stay on a consistent 12am bedtime. I've noticed that I have a harder time getting to bed at 12 if I am using electronics in bed, or playing video games close to bedtime/watching YouTube. How can I remove this barrier? I can try turning off my electronics at 11pm, maybe even try keeping my phone further from my bed so that I don't spend time scrolling at night.
What about ways to help myself get to bed on time? Well, when making new habits it's often helpful to start super small with a 2-minute habit. I could try brushing my teeth at 11:30pm as a way to start my bedtime routine and trigger my mind to think about sleep. I could try reading before bed, or meditating, or listening to some relaxing music while I journal or plan my next day.
All of these things require trial and error, but that's what it takes to find something that works. Some things will stick and others won't.
Here are some other quick bullet points that might help you manage your ADHD:
- There is an app called "Habitica" that I enjoy a lot. It's free and it rewards you for doing real-life activities and achieving your goals. Not sure if you'd enjoy it but since it's free there's no harm in taking a look to see if it'd be something you find helpful
- ADHD people thrive with positive emotions and wither with negative emotions. If you can find a way to harness positive feelings, it can be a huge motivator. (example: I listened to a podcast where a lady was discussing how she gets herself to go to bed every night. She sets an alarm on her Alexa that is really funny to her and it makes her bedtime routine a sort of challenge she has to complete, and she enjoys doing it because it makes her laugh! Find ways to make a task you want to do associated with a positive emotion and it can be really helpful)
- Sleep is huge for helping ADHD. I've noticed the times when I've been on the sleep schedule that I want, and actually feeling rested, that I can accomplish soooo much more and actually feel good about my day.
- If you're trying to implement new habits, try to add one habit at a time. Trying to do too many new things at once will get overwhelming
- There is a book called "Atomic Habits" that I've read that is really informational and helpful with strategies for implementing new habits and stopping bad habits. It really educated me about how habit are formed and I've been able to use that knowledge to set new habits. I know you don't enjoy self-help books, but I think this one you might actually find useful.
- If you like podcasts you might enjoy checking out the "ADDitude" podcast. Lots of good information there about a variety of topics related to ADHD.
I can relate. Especially now that o finally found there is reason for the things I do. I decided to go back to college and finally developed courage to admit I needed help but when I asked for it I had an awful an humiliating experience. For adults who lived all their lives hearing they will never make it, they are stupid, never good enough to find out there’s no actual help for us is disheartening. Being a female going through menopause and a great loss in my life…. Everything spiraled. Anyways, for me something I can follow like “ a manual “ of dos and donts is a great help. I have always coped with what I now know is inattentive add by controlling every aspect of my life. Not saying it’s a good way to go about it because it’s not. We can’t really control everything and we drive ourselves and people around us crazy so not a good solution but it worked for me for a while. The reason I am bringing it up is because some people like me can follow “ manual” to a “t” so doing some work in cbt might help. There are some free resources and lots paid ones. Here is one cogbtherapy.com/free-online... is another
What about the Woebot app? I know it’s just artificial intelligence, but I liked it. I actually liked how it helped me learn about identifying my emotions and trying to troubleshoot them, instead of just stewing and feeling frustrated all the time. It’s free & certainly no harm in trying it. I also have watched lots of YouTube ADHD experts’ (Dodson, Barkley, Thomas Brown, etc) videos on ADHD. They help me feel more empowered and less at the mercy of my emotions. I hope this helps a little.
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