I think my relationship could be on the line, my partner expresses she needs reassurance verbally and conversations about the future which thought I was getting better at, I’ve tried to explain I’m better at doing things for her or showing how much I care, I’m not good at vocalising or making promises as with anyone with ADHD knows I feel like I’m setting myself up to fail, I reiterate that I’m not going to leave and express how much I love her but I’m frustratingly I’m reluctant for some reason to talk about future goals as a whirlwind of ‘what-ifs’ begin to swirl in my head and my concentration goes for a wander instead of maintaining a structured conversation, goal setting is hard enough and life goal setting well scarier, I feel safer taking steps that can be felt out or that are just in front of me but that’s not adequate.
I should mention I went AWOL at the start of our relationship something happened that was triggering to some past trauma and panic button got pressed and I became recluse for about a week, I tried to explain how and why it happened and obviously it doesn’t help with how she feels now about the relationship lasting and blurting doesn’t help either and can manifest.
I love her and have never met someone so kind and who takes the time to accept me for how I am, I try to explain how my ADHD presents itself and when I have time to reflect what I think has happened, but I’m not sure she thinks it’s an explanation and sometimes maybe sees as an excuse as she doesn’t understand why I can’t just do she requires or change, what I do know is this and other behaviours are hurting her and and it breaks my heart, I want to be better for her.
Medication doesn’t agree with me and I have had bad experiences with it in the past, I train BJJ multiple times a week and it works wonders but what I need is recommendations or tips or tricks to help me to be more understanding on how to be better at reassuring, how to be more verbal or recognise when or how to be?
Any advice or similar situations to learn from I will appreciate!!
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Relationships and marriages are huge challenges for people without ADHD and especially so perhaps for people with ADHD. Nothing in the slightest bit unusual there.
Marriages are hard even when people don't have ADHD. So yes, likely your ADHD is causing problems, but you also have other issues since you are a human being beyond ADHD.
I suggest that if you want to get better at "communicating" then you probably will benefit from heading to therapy. I do not know examples of people who have fixed issues like this without some kind of therapy or group work. Might happen. But these days, I don't know many cases of that.
So yes, part of your challenge is ADHD, but the cruel truth of life is that we have emotional problems beyond ADHD. We have all the relationship issues that non ADHD people have + ADHD. We all grow up in flawed families and learned coping patterns that don't fit relationships later in life. The price of being human. And telling your partner that the reason there is a problem is because of your ADHD isn't really a winning strategy--especially if you're not getting help with these issues through therapy and counseling and reading and taking courses in relationship communication and so on.
Partners have sympathy for our weaknesses only when they see that we're working out butts off to limit the weakness.
I would say do individual therapy for a while and you should know in a few weeks if this person is helpful--if they really get you in a way that creates hope! ... and then consider going to couples therapy. But I say first get help for yourself before going for joint help. If we don't have our own power, it's hard to get it in couples therapy where our partner is just going to complain about our flaws, which is what happens in too many cases. Also, it's hard for us to gain from couples counseling if we don't have some basics in place for ourselves. We can leave couples counseling just feeling shame.
Yes, I wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't have this maddening condition. And yes ADHD interfered with my romantic relationships through my life ... and the meds helped me ... but really therapy was necessary to help me connect with romantic partners better ...
Just asking dude, not sure if maybe a family member or partner had it is all, so you recommend therapy is it? I compete heavily in BJJ and that works like my medication so im lucky there and that she is so patient with me, but you say the therapy would help me understand better?
Therapy seems to be the popular choice of action so can’t be just coincidence!! I will say she’s incredibly patient with me and has done her fair bit of research but like anyone who doesn’t work/think the way we do I think it’s hard to realise how it does effect us, thank you 😊
Read “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The basic idea is that there are 5 languages of love and each person understands/speaks only 1-2 languages.
The languages are:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of service
4. Physical touch
5. Quality time
So in order to make a person happy you need to speak the language the person understands. For example, you can give her gifts for 1000$ but a simple compliment would feel better for her.
Reading the book will give you understanding/examples on how to be able to communicate better with her. And perhaps if she reads it too, she might be more forgiving about you not being always verbal with her.
This makes so much sense reason being because just before Christmas we done an online love language calculator thingy haha, she scored high in #1 and I think that’s where it’s hard she requires that and it’s me then being so 100mph that I’m not concentrating or present or half a foot in a conversation where/when she really needs it and then I’ve upset her, I read something recently about the non ADHD partner like using touch or some technique to break say my concentration on what task I’m doing so that I recognise ‘oh I have to switch task here as sec’ and hopefully that will help us, i hope so or a mix of things work I guess it’s exploring them isn’t it?! Thank you so much for this cos I remember more now and maybe I should take time to read a bit more on how I can do what she requires with words more 🤔💪🏻
I feel for you. Have you ever thought about counseling? Sometimes a professional therapist of psychologist (not psychiatrist) can help the person without ADD or ADHD understand what you are going through and can make suggestions for both of you. If you're thinking about getting married and even if you not, it's always good to seek an experienced professional to help you break down barriers, see things with a different perspective (your partners), and communicate (which includes listening well, in a way that resonates with your partner.
Wishing you all the best this year and in the years to come.
I think it may be the course of action to ensure I’m not hurting or leaving my partner feel unfulfilled or that she can’t rely on me for reassurance, as yourself and a few other have mentioned it 🤔 that’s so kind of you thank you!! Bless you!!
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