I don't feel right making a post here since I don't have a diagnosis yet. I had an evaluation yesterday and how I'm really scared that I wasted a lot load of money. (I am in the states and don't have health insurance, I'm self pay and it was a lot of money for the testing. My husband doesn't think it was a waste of money, but I do.)
I was telling my husband about the evaluation and he mentioned how I was second guessing myself with the answers to the surveys. But mostly, what it boils down to is I don't feel heard.
I'm an only child to a single mother and my parents are not in the picture. My mother died in '09, and I am not in contact with my sperm donor. I'm old enough that if I were to have been diagnosed under 7 or 6 it would have been in the early 70s. And from what I can recall, back then "ADD" was mostly a "boy's issue." So, this morning prior to showing up for the evaluation, I wrote down all the things I could remember from my school years. I told her I did great in elementary, junior and senior high school. They were so easy, I didn't even have to work to get decent grades, but there was always that, "if she just tried a little harder she'd have so much potential."
However, when I got to university (b.s. in computer science) I just about crashed and burned. I really struggled. The psychologist (and trust me, I tried to get in to see a psychiatrist but this psychologist was the soonest I could get in to see) said twice today, "... but you finished college..." (she said it once on Monday for the initial evaluation too.) I got REALLY ANNOYED at the second time she said it today (third over all) when I interjected, "Yeah, but it took me FIVE YEARS to finish university, and I finished a month before I turned thirty. And not only that! I was off and on at a junior college PRIOR to university. I took a long time to get my degree and I did so poorly, I'm embarrassed for my grades." My university grades are nothing to be proud of, but I at least finished and I was able to have a decent career. My motivation? I didn't want to be homeless again like I was all through senior high and I took a shit ton of loans out for it too. I mean, you can't tell me there are no people with undiagnosed ADHD and bachelor of science degrees, right? Surely some of us make it through - even if we struggled.
The doctor had mentioned that she does something like a "pull out / push in" means of diagnosis? I'm not exactly sure what she meant. I guess what she means is that they're trying to filter out other problems that this could be. She kept going on about how there are just "personality types" and how my cleaning and disorganization sounds like hoarding, and wouldn't you know it I actually have that as a "complication." I grew up in squalor and living with my mother's hoard. Is how I am because I didn't have proper housekeeping modelled for me? But how does that explain that I just literally have zero energy or motivation to do anything? And I even have trouble getting started. I did tell her I had been in therapy for the last year and my therapist said I have CPTSD due to childhood abuse. The psychologist started bringing up "avoidant personality types" and I'm like, "Nah.. that doesn't work. because I don't really avoid things, I just procrastinate."
4 1/2 hours of problem solving, memory testing, some discussion, and hundreds of questions later ... and I don't feel heard. I was told it would be about 2 weeks and they'll call me with their findings.
I'm frustrated and I don't feel heard. Is this normal? How was your assessment? Anyone get diagnosed much later in life?
Edit: since I paid out of pocket for this evaluation it will be some time before I can pay again. I really feel like I wasted my money here with someone who is not going to help.
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I had to laugh after reading your post. Reading between the lines you fit in with many of us ADHD'ers. Of course ADHD affects everyone differently but one common ground is self doubt. A diagnosis is a good step but certainly no guarantee life will be any different. You mentioned early in your post that your husband felt spending the money on testing was not a waste? He's right ! Its the people around us who tend to deal with our worst moments.Hence, why the # 1 most difficult challenge living with ADHD is relationship issues. Your husband is probably more excited for a diagnosis then you. Right now your brain is probably running a million miles a minute, dwelling over and over with the same thoughts, guessing you have difficulty focusing and staying on point. Questioning everything, trying to convince yourself that you are not wasting money, becoming aggravated that once again you feel like you made a bad decision? All classic symptoms. ADHD SUCKS ! For us older folks afflicted our entire lives a diagnosis offers some answers but the damage is done. What ever our personal demons, it is never to late . I am soon to be 60. I can honestly say life sucks. I have no memories of ever feeling happy. I have lived an adventurous life, followed my dreams which always seem to come true, yet for some reason I am incapable to truly appreciate who I have become. Yes,.. I have found great success in the pharmaceutical world. I am no doubt an addict. I love adderal and will never go off it. Ive discovered abilities I would never have if not for amphetamines, I drink beer everyday and smoke weed. To the outside world I am an alcoholic and a substance abuser. However I own a beautiful farm, live in peace surrounded by my family of rescued animals, living my dream. I am a loner, independent, and finally looking forward to life after 60. The hardest thing for me to "let go" is the pain from being so cruelly judged.I live one day at a time , being my best self, paying it forward. every chance i get.You will never here me say life is beautiful,.but im ok. I finally have peace knowing Im on the downside of life. Appreciate what I have, be proud of who I am. If it all ends tomorrow..no regrets. Good luck to you!!!
I was told I couldn't possibly have undiagnosed ADHD because I have a masters degree. Just got diagnosed at 34. The idea that people with ADHD can't achieve things is complete and utter bullshit. Trust yourself and keep looking for answers. You are doing important work for yourself.
Thank you so much. I agree that with all the folks out there there HAS to be other folks with undiagnosed ADHD who achieved higher education and other goals.
For me that psychologist made it feel like because I achieved this goal I couldn't have ADHD. What I had to express to her was just how long it actually took to complete the degree and also my extremely poor grades is, IMO, an indicator of of some dysfunction. I see my having gotten a degree as my ability to actually get one, but the length of time and quality of my grades is the indicator of issues.
I guess that's why I was offended that she seemed to imply that I had an "avoidant personality type" because I don't avoid things, I procrastinate.
I have 2 masters and now at 35, I am diagnosed with severe ADHD combined. I am lucky to be an intelligent person to figure put how to cope. I tried to do a part time Engineering Doctrate, I had all the materials, but I couldn't write my thesis for 8 years and the deadline passed. I struggle with reading emails and work for very disruptive. I couldn't organise my space and cause my family to be upset.
My point is that ADHDers could experience high levels of lost opportunity. I completely emphasize those who could not complete their degree and even choose not to go to university cause of fustration in studying.
I am feeling better at my 4th day of medication. I feel motivated to share my learnings so far and am very eager to learn to cope with my conditions and start my new chapter in life.
Can I ask what made it hard for you at university? Was it that you couldn't understand what was being taught or couldn't focus on it? Or was it that you forgot to do stupid things like submit your assignments on time?
Getting projects done on time. Difficulties focusing. I could never really organize my school work so I struggled there to keep things in line for each class. Many times I felt like I didn't have enough time to process the material and testing was horrible. I did horrible during testing. One of my university professors actually acknowledged that I tested poorly.
But what was confusing to me was I did so well in elementary and jr/sr high school.
Completing education especially graduate school has nothing to do with whether you have ADHD or not. There are different kinds of ADHD and they manifest differently. The so called experts still are learning about it. I have been diagnosed for 12 years and I took an online evaluation a year ago and it said I didn't have it which is crap. Ultimately I would start your own treatment as if you have it and don't let what others think dictate what you know to be correct.
us ADHD folks cant remember where we parked our car 20 min ago let alone how we acted or felt in grade school. Especially in our 40’s… who the hell remembers if they were space cadets in 4th grade?!?! Especially females. Teachers didnt pay attention to girls anyway, so how were we supposed to know we were experiencing symptoms of ADHD? My advice to anyone seeking a diagnosis after age 40- If a treatment provider asks about your childhood concentration or hyperactivity then just end the session. That provider clearly does not understand ADHD and is operating off of antiquated BS misinformation.
Alot of us ADHD’ers got thru higher education, and even with great grades. When did low IQ become a sign or indicator of ADHD? im sure as an ADHD’er you already have gone thru life feeling invalidated so the fact that your psychologist actually did invalidate you makes me angry. And that you had to plead n make your case that it took 5 yrs and had poor grades to support that you struggled?!?! ugh.. no wonder you are second guessing yourself.
did your psychologist ask you about your ability to engage in projects you are not interested in, low self esteem, rejection sensitivity, imposter syndrome, your ability to have healthy fullfilling relationships, impulsivity in terms of emotions as well as actions, clumsiness, irritability, sleep patterns, quirkiness, executive functioning such as having a concept of time, head being full of thoughts, boredom, lots of unfinished tasks you were once excited about? because those are alot of the important are the indicators of ADHD, and the shit that keeps us going in circles.
Medication alone prob isnt the answer, but its prob the best place to start. Without medication stimulating that part of your brain that is kinda asleep in us ADHD folks- then learning to get control of your life and thrive with your ADHD will be very difficult.
getting a correct diagnosis and treatment will be life changing. You already paid this dumbass psychologist so keep pushing to get your diagnosis. Get online and take the self ADHD tests and print them and show them to her. Find ADHD articles that specifically speak to the symptoms of ADHD that have the most significant negative impact on your life. She has to call you in to office in 2 weeks to go over the results of the test- So use that office time to advocate for you to get your diagnosis. ❤️
My experience is a little different than yours in that I do remember those feelings from grade school. I do remember freezing during timed tests in 1st grade and the intense shame I felt over loosing something else important in 5th grade. But that's ok that those parts of our experience are different. I only point it out so no one feels invalidated if they do remember. I think forgetting many things (maybe cuz we were not paying attention) AND feeling that other things are carved in stone because we ruminated on them repeatedly are both part of the ADHD.
I'm with you on the rest of it though! 100% with you on your paragraph starting out "Did your psychologist ask . . . " that is SOOOOO true. That's the stuff Dr. Russel Barkley is trying to get added to the DSM5 (official diagnosis standard)
oops- i didnt mean to invalidate anyone if they remembered their childhood. My sincere apologies.
I guess i should have said this: Most of the things us late diagnosed females do remember about our childhoods- are not things that fit into the current DSM criteria. Unless we were hyper, or defiant, The anxiety and RSD, etc we often remember, wouldnt be considered to stem from ADHD. Likely get ya a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. ugh.
I am a Social Worker and therefore have to use the DSM often and its the worst piece of garbage ever! lol
thanks for your reply. I love the feeling of an actual conversation here.
I am not offended at all, and didn't see your response as being troublesome at all. Part of my people pleasing and a diplomatic part of my personality just likes to provide rounded perspectives . . . which sometimes turns into being the devils-advocate just to show that something can be seen another way . . .which sometimes gets me into trouble. . . so I appreciate your gracious response. I see your passion and care to protect and validate other women with ADHD and that is valuable and beautiful.
I totally agree with you that the things we are likely to remember are not part of the "official" definition. You put that very well. For me it was mental hyperactivity. . . oh, and verbal!
I feel empathy and worry for you being a social worker as I know that is an incredibly difficult job sometimes. I also am very glad for the people you work with that you are able to bring your understanding and expertise to the table.
Lots of people with ADHD have graduate and advanced degrees. Now, many of them suffered a lot of pain to do so ... constantly busting up against deadlines ... and they couldn't keep the living spaces neat or clean while doing so ... and often still ran late to appointments ... struggled with finances ... had addictive tendencies ... often some serious anxiety and/or depression (since there is high comorbidity) ... graduate school and university can have a lot of freedom ... though that freedom cuts both ways ... too much free time is a killer for people with ADHD who have trouble structuring time ...
But here's the rub ... let's start careers ... the ADHD person struggles to achieve on the job a lot more than the ADHD person ... the best line I once read on a different forum ... was a guy saying "yeah, lots of us are bright. We got diagnosed because we saw people not as smart as we are moving ahead of us at work." ... Missing deadlines is a killer for career success ... A mediocre project completed on time often beats a brilliant project that misses the deadline ... I could produce excellent work at one of my early jobs ... and I drove my supervisors nuts and lost their confidence because I was always running late ... and to finish on time, I had to work way harder than my non-ADHD colleague ...
The ADHD with a graduate degree will have to put in ten times the hours and stress and agony to publish as much as an non ADHD person ....
the more you advance in the world ... the more you have to juggle time well ... and organize well ... that's when ADHD becomes a true killer for people who have done well in school ... And then add in marriage and family ... and the ADHD person really struggles ... People spend all their emotional energy staying employed and literally have none left for family or relationships ...
My diagnosing psychologist said the fact that I could keep a job meant my case wasn't severe. She herself had ADHD ... which btw was quite noticeable ... she didn't know quite how to listen and how to be silent and let the client talk ... and she struggled to keep the thread of a session ... going off on side tracks ... But I'll give her credit, she gave me a few really good tips ... One was to use color ... forget black pens ... use red and green and purple ... get colored folders ... try to add some life and color to any tedious task ...exercise is so helpful for people with ADHD ... it's like a dose of medication ... also going into nature ... and parks .. .places where you can turn off your brain ...
Thank you for putting that all together so well. I could hand a copy of this to my people who don't understand. "ten times the hours and stress and agony" might be my favorite part of it makes us so mad (at our circumstances and we compare and see it) and because it's so unseen/unnoticed by others i think.
I like the tips as well! Colored pens, cute folders, exercise! I have read that so many times and I know in general that it is so helpful . . . I'm just starting to take that seriously. When I'm hitting my head against a wall (mostly metaphorically) I've always just keep forcing myself to work on the project (while eating a ton of chocolate and salty crunchy snacks) OR completely blow it off. But I'm learning to set a timer for a walk or a 5 minute weighted hula-hoop break. I started listening to Podcasts while I walk a couple months ago, but I echo you on a walk in nature (or even a street with a decent amount of trees) as being time your brain can shut off. (Speaking of podcasts, I recommend "I have ADHD with Kristen Carder" it's more than ADHD hacks like where to put your keys, it's deeper motivation/emotions stuff.) I LOVE driving to a park/lake/nature preserve and spending a couple hours in nature, and really winding down but since 1) most things I do take me more time, 2) I have more ideas/impulses/creativity than many people, hence more things to do and 3) I impulsively volunteer to help others a lot and 4) marriage and family ... it's hard to do that often.
I'll add a tip I learned - take 5 minutes (set a timer) to make your immediate work space more appealing (a computer desk and office, or the kitchen sink) This could be removing clutter or adding a candle/scent, switching up your pen holder for a new color, making some tea. It can make staying at my desk or the kitchen sink easier. It also sends less "this is annoying me I want to leave" signals to my brain, and sometimes it helps switch gears by shutting off thoughts about whatever I was doing before. The physical movement and active thought/decision making process are helpful in that switching gears.
Thanks again! It was an impulse for me to hop on this group this morning instead of working ahead on unscheduled project, . . . . but it was time well spent.
This posting and all the replies have been really interesting to me. I must say, from your posting, I have a real dislike for this psychologist. She sounds like she is trying to do an assessment that is over her head. « Avoidant personality », that’s just insulting. I bet you bend over backwards to DEAL with everyday life and it is a struggle. By the way, I understand procrastination…. Hard to get started on a project, really hard to move through it if it is unfamiliar work, and just as hard if not harder to decide when it (whatever project) is completed.
I'm so sorry you don't feel heard. I feel frustrated, and defensive just reading your post. Don't give up hope though. I did a 3 1/2 evaluation (about a year ago, in my late 30's) and came out of it feeling like maybe I had done too well to get the ADHD diagnosis I was expecting. But I got it- "classic ADHD" along with "some anxiety" and the confirmation my husband (at his therapists suggestion) was looking for that I did not have OCD or anything else. Part of the role of this kind of testing is not only to see what you do have, but what you do not have since many symptoms do overlap with PTSD, learning disorders, Autism spectrum, depression, Opositional Defiant Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder (not an official diagnosable condition yet), and more. I am hoping that this is the reasoning behind all the questions about other issues.
Also 60% of people with ADHD have more than one diagnosis, and something like 30% have more than 2. (according to Dr. Russel Barkely whose work on ADHD is amazing in my opinion) This is important because, for example, some medications for ADHD make anxiety worse. So if a double diagnosis is the case, then it helps doctors find the meds that will help both, or at least help one with out making the other one worse. So take a deep breath and try to think about something else for two weeks. I wish I could give you a hug and distract you with something interesting I know this ruminating is hard. After my testing my tester had a family emergency and I waited 10 weeks . . . . AHHHHH!
The testing is expensive! I have moderate insurance and had to pay quite a bit! Also having experienced childhood without much money I understand that spending that much on something that may not yield the help you need is hard. Your feelings are valid and understandable.
I told myself for years that I probably didn't have ADHD because like you I had little trouble in grade school and in fact loved school. My parents were told "She's doing well, but could do even better if she took her time and made fewer careless mistakes." So the internal fire of perfectionsim was being stoked. (My parents were also told I talked way too much and day dreamed instead of eating my lunch but no one realized those were signs of my ADHD at the time.) I had tremendous amounts of stress and procrastination in college, but got a Batchelors in 4 years with great grades (so I echo you on that not ruling out an ADHD diagnosis). Funny thing, part of it was studying ADHD - and I didn't realize I had it! None of my professors realized it either (or if they did, they didn't say anything). Part of this is because as women we present a little differently. Much of the "hyperactivity" is in our heads as your writing proves.
I've read some of the other replies to your post and I'll echo that you can trust yourself that you belong here with us other ADHDers. I hope you feel accepted and validated. You are welcome to post more here even if your test says anything other than ADHD. You're right that you need the diagnosis to start certain meds, but much of the other parts of "treatment" you can start with out a diagnosis. Learning about yourself is one of those parts of treatment. It sounds like maybe your husband is open to learning too, and that can help him be supportive (and having a supportive/understanding household is another part of treatment). I highly recommend checking out the podcast "I have ADHD with Kristen Carder" specifically the episode on "Time Management" (spoiler alert, it's actually on procrastination). Other things like regular sleep, proper nutrition, and maybe some supplements will not cure ADHD, but they make it a little easier to manage symptoms. Since ADHD is how our brain works, it affects the way we filter, process, and make meaning out of the things that have happened to us. Working on those things - with a trusted friend, your husband if he's open to it, or a counselor (who I know usually cost a lot of money) - can also be helpful.
You are not alone. Let us know when you get the results back. Hugs!
I had my evaluation 4 days ago. I have an hour of discussion about my childhood, then 25-30mins of visual test. And then he told me I had severe ADHD combined and had a 30mins futhur discussion with me and my wife explaining about ADHD. I was given medication right away. >50% of his patients have ADHD. So I was lucky I had it all sorted so quickly.
I understand some had financial difficulties. But hey, for the pain that you are going through, it was totally worth finding out. Especially you have a supportive husband (you gotta love him more for that). If you are confirmed with ADHD get treated right away and enjoy your new life. If you don't have ADHD, then you have a peace of mind.
Regardless of your situation, enjoy your discovery of your situation and imagine the joy of programming the whole day. One day you will no longer be in financial trouble and looking back. That investment will be worth it.
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I see your passion and care to protect and validate other women with ADHD and that is valuable and beautiful.
58 Male - Just diagnosed and confused and stressing
I don't know what to do anymore. My ADHD is taking a toll on me. 
Things have got to change
What kind of symptoms and things do doctors use to invalidate or disqualify you for an ADHD diagnosis? What was your screening like?
Relationship struggle with neurotypical wife. 
