Married to a lovely man with severe ADHD and memory issues. Help!

[espritscurieux]

I typed "My husband had ADHD and I think I'm going crazy" into Google search out of pure desperation. This site popped up, so I know that I am not alone. My issue is that he is incredibly forgetful then denies conversations/situations ever happen. It's an unintentional "gaslighting". After 12 years, it is really taking a toll on MY mental health. Anxiety and self-doubt are becoming my primary personality traits. We have tried meds, counseling, and dietary changes with no noticeable difference. I'm at a loss.

[notanotter]

Does he have a brain injury/ TBI that gives him actual aphasia? Or maybe a brain tumor? Has he always acted like this, from your early relationship? It’s the denial of your reality that worries me.

Is the problem that he doesn’t remember, or that he doesn’t want to own up to his part in the problems? Does he even think there is a problem? Does he care that you feel the way you feel? I wonder if he can simply learn to validate your experience by saying things like, “I’m sure you did, I wish I remembered it.”

I would seek my own individual therapy to learn some tools for yourself and strategies to counteract the warping.

[notanotter]

In case it’s helpful, also try this ADDA support group. You need to join ADDA to sign up.

add.org/virtual-peer-suppor...

[DesertAl]

I was one of those partners.

I'm glad you landed here, welcome.

Those with ADD exhibit behaviors related to our non-normative mental processing, the behaviors create impacts. Impacts can be varied, with impacts on relationships being common.

Your husband does need to be an active partner in addressing his impact on you.

"Forgetting" occurred in my reality as an inability to engage socially or communicate. The act of remembering to take action became connected with my feelings of embarrassment and shame.

Additionally, forgetting can be catalyzed by your husbands' inability to prioritize the parts of his life effectively. The impacts that your husband is putting upon you are non-intentional.

My behavioral impacts caused my wife to feel resentful, angry, frustrated, alone, hurt and confused.

With time, my wife, started to learn that my deregulation had zero intent towards her. I was not angry, in fact, I tended to be more startled by what I perceived as her interruptions.

Self awareness of our behaviors and their impacts on the people closest to us can be supported and further enhanced by our loved one's understanding that our intent is not to hurt or to disappoint the ones we love.

ADHD no matter the age of the individual or placement on the spectrum, creates shame. As a child, when my poor grades and inability to do my homework caused upset in my house, my parents called me lazy, without priorities, spoiled and selfish. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-isolation are what ADDers' experience as derivative impacts of our failures and thinking differently.

Read, read and self educate, ask your husband to rerun what he is experiencing during your interactions, and you should be rerunning your experiences. Failure to act or failing to accomplish a task can occur for many reasons; yet in relationships a failure to preform, can quickly become connected to a failure of love, understanding or connection.

My greatest shame is the thought that those who I engage would see my ADD behaviors as intentional, I don't wear an ADD badge, so I consider myself responsible for educating and informing those I am with of my intent.

Best wishes,

Allan

[75ADHDgal]

Has he ever seen a neurologist and had a complete workup? This may be a physical issue as well as a psychological one . Many times brain tumors or endocrine disorders go undiagnosed especially in men because they don't seek medical attention. Sound like he needs a MRI- and complete blood panel to rule out some issues and a complete physical . And I would try and meet or communicate with his Primary care MD who will need to send a referral to the neurologist without him there . Also he must be seeing a psychiatrist if he has been on medications - have you conferenced with him /her without your husband being there ?- make an appointment with them for yourself and disuses your issues . And please also get personal therapy- If you don't care for yourself you can't deal with him

And I personally would sit down with him- ask him to not talk until you are finished and then he can respond- I have ADHD and I know how easy it is for me to interrupt so make the request- write down what you want to say beforehand - make it no longer than 8-10 minutes and let him know ahead of time - I am asking you to just listen to me for 10 minutes until I finish and not say a word and then you respond and I will listen without saying a word. Let him know that you understand it is hard to live with ADHD but that over the years you also feel that some things happened and he denies it or says he does not remember - you wonder if that is really true or if he is embarrassed to ashamed and is in denial . And if he really does not remember you do and these things did happen so if he does not remember then you have to worry he has some other physical issue and you want him to see the Primary MD and a neurologist because it could be something serious - Also let him know that yes you have been to counseling but again - say how much this hurts you and how frustrating and difficult it has been to live with him due to this and other issues but you want to get to the bottom of it and work this out .

And lastly suggest you go on a short vacation alone for respite ! Self care is urgent and important ! And get personal therapy.

would love to hear how this goes

Lastly, consider a group like Alanon - yes it says it is for friends and relatives of alcoholics but m late husband had serious brittle diabetes and failed to take proper care of himself and had multiple hospitalization and emergency room visits for his low blood sugar - got into car accidents and I had to act as his nurse many time ( I am a Nurse Practitioner) . It got to a point where did not know what to do - my therapist at the time said you have two options - leave him or go to Alanon and learn how to detach and deal with it !-