Hi, I'm a brand new member of this community kinda looking to speak to someone about my adhd. I'm not even sure if my post here is relevant but I really need to spit it out.
I feel like adhd ruined my life. I'm a 23 y/o boy with big dreams but no situation or degree because I failed everything I attempted. I think what kills me the most is that I am "talented" just enough to believe I can realize my dreams, but it's all lost potential since I never been able to work hard on anything (not more than 20 min in a row at least). I feel like I'm cursed. Doomed to be mediocre all my life because I'll never be able to work hard. That feeling hurt so much. And I'm so guilty knowing I could have done great things with my gifts but it's never gonna happen. My dreams feel so close yet so far.
Has anyone ever felt like that ? Did you find a way out ? I don't really expect much I just needed to write it down really 😅
(Excuse me if there's mistakes, English is not my first language ahahah)
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ThemixedOne
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Hey! I'm so sorry to hear about that! I get the feeling (kind of), I'm an 18 y/o girl trying to applying to college.
Do you feel like you can't work hard because you keep getting distracted and bored? So far I feel like the best way for me to deal with it is to find projects I'm passionate about and keep trying different schedules and routines. For example, right now I'm struggling a lot with school, but my project petitioning for school mental health service reform was something I was able to really take pride in. Although it was not a conventional measure of success (ie getting As in class), the fact that I was able to make a small petition and have some impact on the community helped me regain some sense of self-worth!
For me, breaking goals into smaller parts and finding joy in these small parts is what motivates me! Right now, my dream is to help others with mental health struggles and lead community, societal, and structural reform. To work towards it and to keep myself motivated, I would look for small goals I can do in a time frame where I wouldn't get bored (such as a month-long project petitioning school or organizing a community event). This allows me to put my short-lived hyperfocus and ever-changing interests to use!
Hearing other people's stories and successes also helps me get through low points! I found the youtube channel- How to ADHD - really helpful!
Hey, I'm pretty much right with you. Also a 23 year old guy, and 99 percent certain I have adhd, having trouble getting tested for it though. I graduated college but wouldn't have if teachers had held me to their absence policies, but getting a job in my field (or even holding any job) feels impossible. I've had a lot of ideas, and hobbies or talents that I could become amazing at if I could stick at anything long term. But I can't.I really get what you mean with feeling like if it weren't for this, you could do something a lot more. I read somewhere that's super common with ADHD.
When I was put on stimulants for a bit in high school, or when I took some leftover while in college, (or even just when I've had enough coffee), I'd get days or even just a short period of feeling like a person.
Suddenly doing the dishes is just picking up dishes and putting them in the dishwasher instead of a disgusting and horrific task I'll be anxious about and put off for days. Or I could engage in classes and remember I actually loved what I studied, or spend hours just designing a project I'll never finish. But I've never had a chance to find a stimulant and dosage that I can take regularly, so all my hopes are on finding someone who will believe me and consider evaluating me.
I dont know what treatments you have or haven't tried, or what's available to you, but I bet there's something or someone out there that can help you feel closer to your potential. If you can't access professional help, there's this one girl on YouTube that makes a lot of videos educating about ADHD and giving advice (probably the one the other poster mentioned).
Thanks for the reply 🙏 I tried medication once for a short time but it didn't help me that much. I should probably search for all the help available but even doing that is a pretty hard thing to do for me. My parents don't seem to take my adhd very seriously so I guess it doesn't help either. I'll definitely check the yt channel. Thanks again for sharing a bit of what worked for you.
Everything that you have experienced so far has made you resilient. The hardest thing for me was being patient with myself and realize my struggles. Now that you know you have ADHD you can begin putting tools in your toolbox. Medication if you choose and definitely learning strategies that work best for you. I wish I would have known at 23 years old. I did not find out until I was in my 30s.
Dear ThemixedOne My heart ❤️ goes out to you, I feel your pain. I am a mother to two wonderful boys ages 25 and 28; I and my husband will always be their biggest supporters. It saddens me that you feel unsupported by your parents. Is it their lack of knowledge or their unwillingness to help you or both? If I was ever unable to help one of my boys it would most likely be from a sense of overwhelm. I would want to help, but just wouldn’t know how. You see I, too am ADHD. Maybe you could ask your parents if they would be willing to join a group that supports families of a person who has ADHD. There are also great webinars for parents, spouses or friends who need help supporting their loved ones. ATTitude has some great ones. You might like to check it out for yourself because they have lots of great webinars for the people who struggle with ADHD. I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD and that was because my oldest was diagnosed. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me recommended that I educate myself about ADHD as much as possible. ADHD is on a spectrum and it is helpful to know as much as possible in order to be able to self advocate. I would also recommend that you talk to your doctor about medication. There are so many medications available; it’s overwhelming. You need a doctor helping you to find what is going to work. You could benefit from seeing a psychologist, preferably one who specializes in ADHD. I don’t know if you are in a position to afford such help, it is costly. Depending on where you live plays a part in helping as well. I live in Canada and there are programs available that are covered under OHIP, but there is usually a wait list. You are only 23, so even if you had to wait for a time it wouldn’t set you too far back. It would be much easier to do all of this with the support of your parents, but you are worthy of having the best life. If your parents can’t support you then find a support group, like this one. Maybe there is another family member such as a sibling, aunt, uncle or grandparent. Keep reaching out here as well. Take care of yourself, never give up and never stop dreaming. ❤️
Your reply really warms my heart. Thank you. I'm not the kind to easily open up so I always felt like I shouldn't bother others with my problems, but it feels great to be heard and supported. To answer your question, I think my mom really doesn't know how to help me even tho she'd want to. My father on the other hand doesn't seem very concerned about my problems. Anyway, thanks again for the advice, I really appreciate it. 🙏
I 100% feel your pain! Imagine going 65 years without knowing?! That's me, 1 month ago!! You are mourning those years you didn't know...but the great news is after you feel the upset, anger, sadness, etc. the greatest transformation of your life will occur...do your own research & don't just listen to the doctors...ALL the doctors ..were wrong with my diagnosis and or treatment...I ended up in AA where I though I was such a loser and just an addict!! Addictions are a sympton od ADHD,,but nobody tole us!! You have a great chance at life now!!
On the plus side, you have figured out a lot at a young age. You've got a 30 year head start compared to me, LOL. When I read the headline of your post, I said "Me too!" And then when I read all of what you wrote, I was nearly in tears. I was 53 when I finally figured it out. My life has been a long confusing series of failures and unrealized potential. I know have talent and creativity, I just cannot put it to use. I really related to your feelings. Knowing there is a problem is the first step, and figuring out what the problem is the next big hurdle. I'm glad you have those first two at such a young age. I wonder every day how different my life would have been if I had known, and gotten help in my teens, twenties, or even thirties.
So my words of encouragement are to keep moving forward by educating yourself on the subject of ADHD. Watch "How to ADHD" on youtube (as suggested by just_ok) and also watch some of the lectures by Dr. Amen, Dr. Brown, Dr. Halowell, and some TedTalks.
Thank you so much 🙏 some days I feel like I'll never be able to change a single thing in my life, but I know that's the wrong mindset. Your message really encouraged me 🤝
Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest with you here. At 23, you are extremely young and you know this, so I'm not sure how ADHD ruined your life. Are you of the belief that you have to be or do something extraordinary (and unclear about what you want to do) and feel you have to do it while you are young? If so, this self-induced pressure will have you feeling defeated for sure and set up expectations that no one can live up to and is a surefire recipe for misery. Are you clear about what it is that you want to accomplish and what talent is it that you have? With someone who has ADHD, I think spending 20 minutes on something is pretty good. If you have to take a break and go back to what you were working on, so be it. Have you been diagnosed, by a doctor, that you have ADHD? Also, have you tried different medications? Hope to hear back from you. Lori
Thank you very much for your reply Lori. I realize how pessimistic my message sound, I wrote it on a bad day to say the least and I needed to get it out like I said. If it wasn't to write it here I would have shouted out my window (but I have neighbors) ahahaha 😅 But you're 100% right. I been diagnosed when I was like 13 (and a second time a few months ago) but neither me nor my entourage took it very seriously. So the past 10 years I been trying to change by myself (it' s pretty hard for me to ask for help) with really no success and comparing myself with other people my age accomplishing things I can't. I guess that's where all the frustration in my message come from 😅 I am clear about what my dreams are, I have definitely no idea how to get there, but I know I'm young and only starting in life.
The way I feel about my adhd change almost everyday but I'm grateful for your reply and the others above, it helps me to stay balanced. I never talk about my adhd with anybody so it feels great to do with y'all. 🤝
Hey there! I don't think your message was pessimistic at all but truly sounded like you were expecting so much from yourself! Watch out for those comparisons....they'll get you every time and they are based on only what you see on the outside. We don't truly know what's happening in other people's lives. I think the fact that you are clear about what your dreams are is absolutely fantastic! I certainly wasn't clear at your age! I also understand about the changing views on our ADHD. Can I ask what your dreams are? At your age, I wanted to be the next female Joe Satriani (amazing guitarist) and felt since I had talent (lots of guitarists in my family) and felt that's what I needed to be. It was unrealistic and every time I made a mistake, I became defeated and thought it was an indication that it would never happen. Us ADHD'ers don't get the fact that "slow and steady wins the race". Many, many, many years later, I understand I will never be that guitarist nor do I need to be in order to be happy. I now play classical guitar (not at level I want) and also write music for pediatric oncology patients. That is waaaay more fulfilling than my younger self's ultimate dream. Please remember you are not alone. Not ever on this forum!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me I'm a guitarist too and my ultimate dream would be to write music for a living even tho most of the songs I write stay unfinished 💀
I had a feeling as soon as I read that you had a dream and that you felt you had talent (which I'm sure you do), you were a fellow musician. Do you want to write music for other people to perform or do you want to perform them yourself? Also, take your favorite song that you keep going back to over and over and work on it for that 20 minutes per day without judgement. Because we are creative, the beginning of songs (or the chorus) almost burst out of us but finishing is a whole different ball game. The song-writing process is not always going to be easy but don't give up. The medication, for me, keeps the I'm always going to fail part of my ADHD at bay and allows me to write without crazy expectations that no human could live up to.
That's some great advice thank you 🥰 to answer your question I like to perform my songs, I spend most of my days singing ahahah but I'd like to write for other people too. I'm not tryna be famous or anything, writing is what really excites me ☺️
I'm 26 and I've felt the same the last few months. I was diagnosed when I was +/- 10 years old, but I mostly only got help with the practical struggles I had at school. My parents had to focus their energy on my little sister with autism, so they couldn't help more than making sure I got appropriate help for getting through school. Now, 2 years after crawling through school and finally graduating after burnout and a do-over, I have realised I never took my own ADHD seriously enough. I just thought it made me distracted, messy and have a hard time with routine and planning things, and that was it. Never knew it impacted me emotional as well, and that getting easily distracted was only the surface of how it impacts my executive functioning.
So now that I realise and am seeking for the right meds and therapy, I also feel like I have wasted so much potential, and I'm scared this will continue on. For example, I know I have the talent and motivation to be a freelance artist/illustrator, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm too mediocre to be succesfull enough to pay the bills. After 1,5 year of trying and getting stuck I feel like I'm close to having to quit and just look for a job in a field I didn't study for, but at least will pay my bills. The thought of this makes me so depressed, I really don't want to do this.
But, I also realise this: My fear of not ever succeeding is NOT helpful at all. And I'm also aware I have a hard time letting it go. Maybe because this fear is familiar and comfortable? Maybe I'm scared of actually being succesfull and making money? Which sounds weird, because I do want to be, but I've read about that once before. Realising I'm not succeeding in overcoming this on my own, I now know I need therapy and medication to overcome this fear, and to help with my ADHD struggles.
Trying medication right now, and after I've found the right one I can go to therapy.
I still feel scared, sad and anxious very often. But I also know I'm working on this now, which means I'm no longer stuck. I might not go as fast as I'd like to go (brain go brrr though!), or as others would like me to go, but I'm going nonetheless. And sometimes I get a little stuck again or I slow down, but that's okay.
Joining lots of ADHD communities is helping me see and feel like I'm not the only one, that there's loads of people who understand, and this helps me too!
Thank you for sharing your experience 🙏 I completely relate to what you feel. The fear of not succeeding is a big obstacle towards my goals. Working on it. Keep going you're on the right track ✨
These are all such amazing responses! I just want to add the context that you’re entering a stage of life where the structure/linear path of everyone experiencing similar daily life divides. If you haven’t heard of it - Google “quarter life crisis”. Many people in their 20s suddenly start to compare themselves to others. Some friends will find relationships faster, some will find jobs or careers faster, some will finish school faster (or ever), some will make more money… and almost everyone I know struggled even a little bit feeling lost and behind (even the people that I thought were wayyyy ahead of me!). Confronting that when you already have adhd can be especially difficult - been there! But in a way it’s a good stage because you can learn to focus on your path, your dreams, your unique challenges and how to overcome them. And you can learn to love yourself and your timeline, independent from comparing yourself to other. Today, I wouldn’t give up my crazy winding path and my adhd if given the choice - it gives amazing benefits like creativity, energy, and endless passion. We may only be interested in something for a few hours or days, but man, do we live it up in those times! We have a joy for things that not everyone gets to experience. They key I found most helpful in getting where I wanted to be was to start educating myself on adhd. Try reading articles or books (if poss… otherwise tiktok, youtube, audiobooks, etc if you’re like me and can’t focus!). If you can afford it, get an adhd coach who can help you. See a good psychiatrist who can help you explore meds that might help. I felt so old at 23. There was so much I planned to accomplish by 25 (and definitely didnt). But at 27 I finally started a career and now in my late 30s I love what I do and am happier than most of my friends that I always thought were “ahead” of me. Take a breath… know that the fact that you’re even on here posting this already says you’re doing great and ahead of where many of us were at 23. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you have tons of time to figure out how to get where you want to be. When you need encouragement or suggestions - You have a cheering squad here!
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