Help

[Davenheidi8479]

I am married to a man with severe adhd I dont know what to do anymore.i need some more resources for married people spouses.i wanna be able make things easier not harder for him.how ever not using his adhd as a crutch if that makes sense.is there books support groups etc.out there.i feel like I'm gonna have a break down .i feel ignored unimportant and taken for granted. Some of the things he does in my mind im like that doesn't make sense why do you keep doing same things over and over.i know something's he cant help.but there has to be some tools to try learn different ways to help.like with paying attention,listening etc.our marriage is in the red right now it scares me we have been together 18 years married 13 years this year.any help out there I would appreciate it thank you.

[Zompopo]

Is he in any kind of treatment? Medication, therapy, coaching?

[Captain_Sprocket]

Check out Melissa Orlov's books and website: adhdmarriage.com/

She has support groups for non-ADHD spouses.

[peterracoon]

Hi, as Zompopo already mentioned, it would be good to know what is the current status

I have quite a lot of experience with this situation, because I am a life coach and diagnosed ADHD - however, I was with my partner for 6 years without being diagnosed ADHD and it was one of the reasons why I even started coaching myself, and then started to coach professionally - so that my way of living would improve, and subsequently our relationship would also.

If you would like to talk more, rather than just research online materials, feel free to send me a message, I could be able to help you "coach" your partner yourself (i.e. communicate effectively for a win-win situation for both of you), or later ideally talk to both of at the same time of course

In any case, I wish you the best of success with the situation and please, don’t lose hope!

Cheers, -Pete

[jilllewis84 in reply to peterracoon]

Hi Pete - I definitely sense the concern and genuine care in your comment, but it's not really appropriate to suggest that you offer to coach this person or their partner. We're not here to jump in and try to fix things -- but rather to support and help each other feel less isolated.

[peterracoon in reply to jilllewis84]

Hi, thank you for letting me know. The post is titled "Help", and ends with "any help out there would be appreciated"... perhaps I understand help differently than feeling less isolated.

[jilllewis84]

What you're describing sounds so, so familiar. You're not alone and it may be helpful to know that lot of marriages where ADHD is under-addressed come back from the red once more successful strategies and treatments are found. I just finished reading Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? by Gina Pera, which was so useful for not feeling isolated. I highly recommend it!! Both I and my partner have ADHD but he hasn't gotten a diagnosis or started treatment. It can be so discouraging watching him (and us!) struggle against something so treatable. But I have more faith now we're going to get there.

Hang in there! Start by finding ways to normalize your experience (not necessarily to accept or excuse what's happening, just to feel less isolated). Books and podcasts are great for that. Melissa Orlov (who someone else mentioned) has been on ADHD Rewired a few times. More resources will definitely start to flow from there. Good luck to you guys!!

[Khyson2019]

Thank you for sharing, I look back over all the disagreements I had with my spouse, where I would move his things and not be able to remember where I moved them. I would always take hours to get ready to go anywhere and thought it was normal. Constantly over talking him during mid sentence and feeling guilty that I struggled to just wait my turn. Normal daily life for someone with ADHD is like having the best intentions how ever always failing or falling short of expectations. I have been Married for 15 years and looking back I wonder how did my husband put up with my undiagnosed ADHD for all that time. I was finally diagnosed this year, and from watching YouTube, reading books, and subscribing to blogs such as this one I can't believe there are other people who suffered from what I have been struggling with my whole life. ADHD can bring on a lot of guilt, shame or even depression, because we feel we are not good as everyone else around us. My husband has been my biggest motivator and supporter, the more He celebrates my areas of strength, the more I feel capable of taking on my dreams.

Nagging didn't work, I already knew where I fell short, but celebrating my victories have been the best motivator for change. It gives me the confidence that I can do better today.

Definitely seek medical advice, it was a life changer.

I'm sure his full of life, spontaneous, joyful personality is what attracted you to him.

People just don't know what it's like to live with someone who has ADHD. Lol 😆

Thank you for supporting your spouse. We need our analytical, organized, disciplined spouses to keep us balanced. I don't know where I would be without my Husband.

[BTV65 in reply to Khyson2019]

" I would move his things and not be able to remember where I moved them. ... Constantly over talking him during mid sentence and feeling guilty that I struggled to just wait my turn. "

Ouch. Boy does this sound familiar. Not to mention simply not being aware of something we do or say, both in tone, context, etc and not realizing how it comes across to the other person. It's still such a struggle, even with medication and knowledge of the issue.

[Fuath314]

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this and I want to respond to you with compassion, as someone with severe ADHD I know that our disability can hurt those around us deeply because our symptoms make it seem like we don't care.

There are many things that we, as people with ADHD, simply can not easily do. Long conversations without distractions are impossible for us. We can do short conversations. Please expect us to be distracted at times because this is how our brains work. We literally can not help it, no matter what medication we take or therapy we go to. It helps if we are gently and compassionately brought back to task. Medication will help us stay on task but not entirely, therapy will help us learn to pull ourselves back but once again not entirely, distraction will happen. That's not to say not to get medication and therapy, definitely pursue both options because they help.

There is a channel called 'How to ADHD' on Youtube that has a lot of good resources for living with ADHD, and as a spouse it might help you understand how an ADHD brain works. I can't say how he feels, but as someone who has ADHD, I love and care for the people around me. At times I can't help but do things that I know hurt them. I forget important dates. I blurt out inappropriate things. I don't respond appropriately in social situations. These are things I struggle with every day and I try to be the best friend that I can, but there are times I fall short because of factors I can't help. It doesn't mean I care any less, it just means I'm disabled. I can only apologize when I fail and try to do better.

I hope that you two can find a way to work things out. That Youtube channel is a huge help to me, and others have posted other good suggestions for ADHD spouses. I think my best suggestion is just to learn how the ADHD brain works and how to trick it into working the way you two need it to work so you two can live your lives together happily. I wish you both the best, everyone deserves to feel loved and respected.