Relationships and future tripping

I have always freaked out about the future. For as long as I can remember. This is probably because I naturally internalize stuff and I haven’t always educated myself on what I heard, I just reacted, I intended to educate myself, but it hasn’t always happened so I’ve started writing down statements I’ve heard in my notes so I’ve got them. But lately I’ve been worrying about romantic relationships because my parents have told me they’re hard, they take work, they’re wonderful, and I’ve been realizing that they aren’t necessarily always happily ever after. I’ve observed relationships in tv shows and in a class I took on relationships in high school, and I’ve learned some about them through volunteering and hearing people talk about them on tv or somewhere and I’ve probably internalized all of these. And now I’m a bit afraid of a romantic relationship because I may screw it up, my parents told me I won’t always feel the buzz, and also, I’m not sure how I’ll know if it’s right or not. Because of ADHD my emotions are either huge, somewhat huge, controlled, or calmed. When they’re calmed it seems like they’re not there and I expect mind blowing stuff. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know if I’ve made a right decision about anything, I usually find out afterwards if it was the right thing or not. I’m only 18. And I know I shouldn’t worry, but I do. What’s some good advice?

[RCJH8610]

It’s completely normal to be anxious and worried about the future, especially in terms of a relationship. My advise to you is to just work on yourself and getting the things you want to accomplish done and let a romantic relationship happen naturally and when the time is right. All relationships are complex, even friendships. This is even more true for an individual with ADHD because we tend to be highly emotional thinkers and feel very deeply about things. Have you ever been in a relationship before? Regardless, you are so young and have plenty of time! 😊

[Hidden in reply to RCJH8610]

Not a romantic one. No. And thanks for your advice.

[unfocused]

Phew.... whoa there pardner! You're so young, and you have so much time to mess up. And you should. I know that sounds harsh, but it's how you learn. There is no right way to have a relationship, and no relationship is great all the time. I have an incredibly hard time forming relationships and have destroyed pretty much all of them because I didn't know what I was doing, but I know better now and for the future. You may find that sort of bumbling-through technique too harsh, but the bottom line is learning and growing. Be honest with shortcomings and feelings with potential partners. With ADHD, you are constantly chasing dopamine, and once that 'honeymoon' phase is over, and that dopamine dries up, that doesn't mean it's over, it just means it's time to work. Every relationship requires work, so pay attention to how you fare with friendships. Long term friendship is the closest thing to what marriage looks like, so if you can do that, you're set! You've got plenty of time to figure it out. 😉

[Alan0127]

Great post. Yes, you nailed it. You describe how 80% of your friends feel (girls and guys). It’s good that you are frightened and nervous about romantic relationships. They can be so fulfilling and so calming and so validating and so dangerous and so destructive.

Being wary is exactly the right way to be.

——-> You are feeling and thinking EXACTLY correct about romantic relationships <——

You can study and think and imagine how to be a great basketball player or violin player. But to be good, you have to make thousands of mistakes by actually trying. People who are exceptional at a thing have made 100 times more mistakes than people who aren’t just average at it.

My advice is pay attention to what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship and don’t change that. Look for someone who wants what you are... what you already are. Now go out and make lots of mistakes, just don’t make one fatal mistake: That mistake is: “Doing what you already know you DON’T want to do”, for anyone.