Social cues and relationships - CHADD's Adult ADH...

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Social cues and relationships

RoseSara profile image
14 Replies

Hello I am new here, and this is really amazing platform. I have questions about social cues and relationships for people with ADHD, if some of you can share thier experiences on this part, and what's the cues we are missing. I have Anxiety and my ADHD symptoms is mild according to therapist, it's more on the anxiety.

Social and relationships are my biggest weakness, keeping relations long term, looking for tips and resources on this area. Thank you

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RoseSara profile image
RoseSara
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14 Replies
pragman profile image
pragman

I'm not sure about others, but I'm an empath, and I can really understand what another person is going through emotionally.... the major misses are hints....i never get them....my wife tells me she's tired of giving me hints, so she just tells me what she needs directly. I also have a problem with sarcasm....i can sort of guess that someone is being sarcastic, but I'm never sure, so I react as if its a normal statement and it bugs that person. I"m sure I'm missing other cues as well, because sometimes relationships just end abruptly and I can never figure out why. I also have a tendency to say inappropriate stuff that leads to awkward moments.

truthistruth profile image
truthistruth in reply to pragman

I personally hate sarcasm, why do people bother with this, such a waste of energy

STEM_Dad profile image
STEM_Dad in reply to truthistruth

I agree with your view.

When I was in the upper grades of high school, my family had been becoming very sarcastic, emulating sitcoms... We were making lots of jokes, and we were not any happier for it. Then, a change came due to my parents changing their association to more positive people. The sarcasm stopped, and we really began to appreciate each other again.

RoseSara profile image
RoseSara in reply to pragman

Thank you so much for your answer. I am not good with hints or cues at all, or I will get it when it's too late, I knew this only recently, and I can imagine how much I missed socially as people take it as No or not interested, it will not occur to them that I dont get hints :) I am direct and prefer direct clear approach, which sometime put me in uncomfortable situations. I had a tendency to talk and over share personal information, I became more aware and I improve a bit on this area.

STEM_Dad profile image
STEM_Dad in reply to pragman

I'm also rather empathic, for a man. I also have always had trouble picking up on hints from my wife.

I could chalk it up to my Inattentive ADHD, or to my introverted nature, or to my Meyers-Briggs type being of INFP (the 'F' for "feeling", rather than an 'S' for "sensory"), or my self-described label of just being "dense". However, it's actually very, very common among men to not be able to pick up on hints from women as well as women pick them up from each other. A husband not picking up on hints from his wife is, sadly, much more common than a husband who gets all his wife's hints.

Regarding sarcasm, which I do struggle to recognize about half the time, I would venture to guess @pragman that you are not very sarcastic, yourself. It's been my observation that sarcasm is almost like a dialect, or perhaps it's more like a learned skill. Sarcastic people get sarcasm very easily. People who don't use sarcasm might not recognize it most of the time.

I think it's merely human to say inappropriate things sometimes. We're all guilty of it. However, if a person inadvertently says something that sounds inappropriate, and they are self-conscious, then they might feel ashamed or embarrassed. Whereas, others say inappropriate things 50x more often, purposely and unabashedly, yet nobody even call them out for it (but they just don't care if people do or not).

-----

My now-ex-wife is very talented with language and communication. She can read the subtle body language of others as clearly a Hemingway novel (while I pick up the same instinctively, feeling others' emotions without being able to explain how). She can write an A+ English paper in 3-4 hours the night before it's due, while I can go through weeks crafting one and even rewrite it a couple of times, but not be able to get above a B+. She can greet a saintly person in one room with all appropriateness, and spew a train of profanities to turn a biker purple with anger in the next room (then make him bust a gut laughing by a turn of phrase at the end of the epithet).

There are people who are gifted in certain circles of society, and others like us who might struggle a bit in all of them... And then there are those rare people, like my ex (who I'm still crazy in love with), who are chameleons... They can read an individual up and down, or read the temper of a crowd in a room, and become just the instrument that's needed to cause a complete change of mood.

(The only person's emotions she has little ability to change at will is herself.)

STEM_Dad profile image
STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad

For the record, I do alright with social cues and relationships in certain contexts (e.g. family get-togethers, most places I've worked, church, and classroom settings), but not others (parties, bars, sporting events).

pragman profile image
pragman in reply to STEM_Dad

STEM_Dad interesting read, but curious to know how ADHD relates to social situations from your perspective...is it not connected at all, or is there some connection

STEM_Dad profile image
STEM_Dad in reply to pragman

I know that I'm hampered by my ADHD traits in social situations, particularly my distractibility and poor working memory (I'm really bad at learning and remembering people's names).

Otherwise, I think other aspects of myself are a bigger factor. It's easiest to explain this from my Myers-Briggs type of INFP:

I) I'm naturally Introverted, and so I'm uncomfortable in most social situations. The more crowded, the more uncomfortable I feel.

N) I'm an iNtuitive, rather than Sensing, so I unconsciously pick up on the gusto of things, instead of consciously noticing details...

F) ... Which when combined with my Feeling nature (rather than a Thinking one) makes me great at understanding individuals and small groups, but overwhelmed by attempting to "read" masses of people at once.

P) My only saving grace in social situations is that as a Perceiving type, rather than a Judging one, I'm flexible instead of rigid in how I deal with life. If I'm asked or assigned to fulfill some particular role or duty while in a social situation, I readily do so.

-(For instance, when my family was starting to attend church, my wife didn't want to be waylaid by the greeter in the entry hall full of conversing congregants, because she felt uncomfortable in the religious atmosphere ...she just wanted to get past him and find us seats in the back. So, she asked me to engage him in conversation, which I readily did. While I was talking with him, I "tuned out" the din of the crowd and "tuned in" to the lone individual, who though he was intimidating in size and appearance turned out to be a friendly teddy bear of a guy, with a similar enough faith background to my own that we had a great conversation.)

TLDR: while I think that ADHD is a factor when it comes to how readily one might read social cues (if Inattentive) or perhaps not be overly concerned about them (if Impulsive), I think that other factors share in this capacity:

1) a person's underlying personality characteristics

2) a person's familiarity and comfort with a particular kind of social engagement (i.e. context, and experience)

I think that most people are capable of learning to read social cues, while some people are adept at picking them up right away, and some others just don't have the ability (due to having autistic traits or some other factor like that).

Goodlistener profile image
Goodlistener

I find that people think I don't get things so they think they have to spell it out to me. I do understand what their saying and I' e learned that I need to tell them I get it right away otherwise they think I don't understand. It must be some kind of look I have on my face. But what I am doing is just thinking it through.

RoseSara profile image
RoseSara in reply to Goodlistener

Interesting to hear this, I like how you are dealing with it, and that you are aware in the first place. As you said sometime it's just an impression and it could be misinterpreted. This bring to mind the importance of communication, I learnt over the year to clarify and ask more question if I am in doubt, I wasn't used to this as I jump to conclusions :) but I find it very helpful

pragman profile image
pragman in reply to RoseSara

i'm working on not jumping to conclusions myself so I can relate to this

artnmusic profile image
artnmusic

I find that I get distracted by others’ emotional states and sometimes get overwhelmed/ “ flooded” by that input. And I do think I process differently than neurotypical people. I don’t think I miss cues though; I’m in a job where I have to be very attuned to social cues. Lots of people with ADHD diagnosis actually may be on the (autism ) spectrum and especially women often aren’t diagnosed until adulthood if “symptoms” are mild. It’s worth looking into! Perhaps the primary ASD hallmark is missing social cues, (also not ‘presenting’ facially what others expect to see expressed). I have very close people in my life with ASD and it’s very misunderstood. I love them very much and I hate to see them struggle. Very Best of luck to you. 🙏

RoseSara profile image
RoseSara in reply to artnmusic

Thank you so much for sharing, my information about ASD is limited, so it will be interesting to read about it

Goodlistener profile image
Goodlistener

I like what you said about asking questions if I'm not sure what they're saying. You know what they say about assuming things. Sometimes my brain works slow or too fast to remember to ask. I suffer in the department of ascertaining clarity.

When I meet new people I ask a Lot of questions to strike up a conversation.

Then, I am left in the dust after they start talking and I can't seem to get a word in edgewise. Other times I ask too many questions and they think I am invasive. Balance in conversation is hard for me!!!

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