No friends

[Chiara09]

I don't have any friends. Every time I tell a friend to go out she makes an excuse or does not respond. The only person who sometimes answers me I feel that we no longer understand each other. That we think differently. I'm alone all the time and I don't understand why nobody loves me. The only thing I do is work, see my boyfriend and my family. But when they go with their friends I am completely alone.

[jilllewis84]

I'm sorry you feel so alone, Chiara. That can be really hard, but it's important to not internalize it. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You are temporarily in a place where you feel misunderstood and alone. That won't always be the case.

Making good friends is actually really hard, especially if you're someone who prefers a few close friends to a wider network. It takes a lot of work and a lot of vulnerability. But it's totally a skill that can be learned and developed. Just try to be kind to yourself and curious about what's going on that's keeping you from finding the friendships you desire. If it's available to you, help from a therapist can provide a lot of insight on these things.

Also, as an ADDer: I know for me, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria made making friends almost impossible for a time -- I felt too vulnerable and the stakes were too high. Medication had helped so much with that. I can put myself out there without fearing that pain.

Best of luck ❤️

[Marylieh in reply to jilllewis84]

Hello poissonrouge, That's so great that worked out for you! May i ask which medication did the trick?

Greets , Lisa

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Meetup.com was really helpful for me to find a friend group that was interested in activities I was. I recommend checking it out. For me I was interested in rock climbing and made a bunch of wonderful friends. There's groups for all sorts of interests, baking, knitting there might even be one for ADHD. Hopefully you can find an interesting group in your area. And maybe a little challenging now because of COVID-19, so get your vaccine and stay safe. I wish you well.

[StoneJeweler]

I have only one friend but she lives an ocean away. There are many reasons, but it's not all about how you talk to people. Many people stay away from someone who is a little different. I have also found that many people are just takers; if you can't do something for them they move on to another person who can. Just recently a neighbor of mine was constantly complaining about to having friends and that people were taking advantage of her. I asked her if she would like me to help her, she said yes and gave me a list of some of her problems. I showed her ways to handle some of her problems but after awhile I realized that she did not try any of them. I think that she really did not want help but only someone to commiserate with. In the end she just slammed the door in my face and the next day she called and blamed me for stealing her dogs. They would follow me home and there was no way I could make them go home. until they wanted to. I told her that she needed to tie them up or close her gates so they could not get out. There was nothing I could do, the dogs did what they wanted to do. Well she did not like that and told me to never come over again. We lived close to each other and I knew those dogs knew how to get home. They ran around our neighborhood frequently. I am frustrated but I tried to help because she asked me. Oh well. I Believe that she really did not want help or it scared her knowing her perceived problems could be solved. I don't take it personally

[araph]

Hi Chiara,

I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling alone. Making social connections has been a life-long challenge for me. I’m sure part of it is related to ADHD; RSD and feeling overwhelmed all the time makes it hard to have conversations or prioritise contacting people. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I find feelings of rejection or abandonment hard to manage. And I am an only child with distant parents who never talk about anything meaningful; they didn’t teach me how to make social connections.

There are some things that I have found helpful:

1) As others have mentioned, joining a group aligned with your interests is a great place to start. In person, or there is so much online at the moment. For example, I recently joined an online comedy writing course. I think anyone attracted to comedy has felt like an outsider at some point in their life, so I feel quite at home in the group. There is even a guy with ADHD. Other options are an exercise group, volunteering, or a support group. I have always found it helpful to turn up a few mins early to give me a chance to chat to people. I usually start by chatting to them about how they are finding the group. If there is any way to help with the running of the group this is always helpful for feeling like I belong and provides a starting point for connection.

2) Changing my perspective. I realised that when I feel lonely, it comes with deep feelings of shame. I have a thought process that goes “You feel lonely because you are weird and unlovable, you don’t have any friends because there is something wrong with you.” This compounds my isolation further. As part of my treatment for BPD, I had Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. I learned that we are not our emotions; rather our emotions are signals to our thinking mind to change our environment. Loneliness is a signal that I want social connection. Loneliness is painful to motivate us to bring about that change, but I think many of us have learned to internalise that pain and interpret it as meaning we are defective in some way.

Another change in perspective is understanding that change will take time and to acknowledge milestones. I won’t get a wide social circle in a few days, but If I can have a chat with people in my comedy class where I feel connected that is a step in the right direction. You have taken positive steps by sharing in this forum and also by acknowledging that your current relationships don’t serve you. I do really believe by putting those relationships to one side you will make space for more meaningful connections.

My final change in perspective is having compassion for myself. I grew up believing that if there was a part of myself that I didn’t like, the best way to try and change it was just to be angry about it. But I have really learned that this just causes more pain so my aim now is to develop compassion towards those parts of myself. I think about how I would treat a little girl who was feeling lonely – I would give her a big hug, tell her she was loveable and gently support her in connecting with people. I try to treat myself in the same way.

3) Understanding how to talk to people. This was something I had to learn as an adult. I’ve found that a mix of interest in others and vulnerability about myself works – asking people about themselves and sharing my experiences. Sharing is definitely gradual. I start with less personal things and see how the person responds before going further.

4) Consider therapy. If this is something that causes you a lot of pain some extra support might be really helpful. If therapy is an option, it could help in a number of ways. You could set goals for reaching out and be accountable to the therapist. The therapist will also help to hold your feelings, so it feels less scary taking the risk of reaching out to others. A vulnerable relationship with a therapist can also be really helpful practice for relationships outside the therapy room.

Wishing you all the best Chiara! Much love xx

[Hidden]

I do completely understand you Chiara. I am in almost the same situation. The few friends I once had years ago have moved away and we've drifted so far apart that we are but strangers once again with no common interests anymore, or I realized that in their own group of friends, I was the odd one out who didn't fit in.

I haven't gone on an outing with another person in years because there is no one, and I'm only in my mid 20's, the time I'm apparently supposed to be having fun with friends.

However, never think for a moment that you are unlovable. Having no friends is not a sign that there is something wrong with you. It is hard, but you are most certainly not alone in this.

Good friends are hard to come by in this world. All I can offer you is to keep holding out and never settle for a friend who doesn't really treat you well, as I have made that mistake many times in desperation of having just one friend.

I'm open to talk to if you just need someone to listen or at the bare minimum, an internet friend