Someone recently posted about not having many friends and I’d like your feed back for why it’s hard for me to make new/more friends. I have a few good friends who move away many years ago yet we still stay in touch but very rarely see each other. At work I get along with everyone and there nice to me but I can see that I don’t really fit in. Customers love me, they remember me even if 4years go my without seeing me, when they see me they light up and are so happy. I’m interested in exercise, painting, gardening, the pool, the lake etc and I know other people have those interests and I want to make friends that I can do those things with but no one seem to want to be my friend. I’m kind, nice, talk maybe too much at time(I think it’s a nervous thing). Sometimes people have told me I have no filter and say things other people would think but never say. I never say things to be hurtful but maybe without knowing I am offending someone. I’m honest. Why should that be so bad?
So I told you a little about me. What are your thoughts?
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Lovinit
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It helps to establish friends near where you live, or frequents a place near where you live. Look for events and gatherings that are of interest to you. For example, a gardening class at a nearby nursery. Volunteer with a special group. Consider being a part of a city committee or county citizen group for a cause you support.
Thanks for your thoughts. I once was a member at a gym where i did aqua fit regularly and made friends there but i never exchanged numbers or met them outside of class. They all were also twice my age or older. I’m thinking of joining a gardening club but i feel there i will also only meet lad people. I get along with old people very well but I’m looking for someone about my age. I feel like i get along easily with old people but people my age i feel are a bit reserved or they just don’t want to be my friend. I’m not acting desperate to be their friend. I feel like I’m different and not bad different but different. Thanks again for listening.
I understand completely. Do you ask people to do things with you and they say no or are you leaving the invitation process up to the other person? I’ve learned how to make friends over the last few years, even though I’m not in the mood or place in my own life to maintain the recent friendships I’ve made. Basically, if I put myself out there and ask people to do things like go to a comedy show or a local festival, they can tell me yes or no and I can’t get offended when they say no. It’s kind of like a numbers game just like it is in sales. Also, if someone is moving or they are going through something tough and I care about the person or I think there’s potential for a friendship to blossom, I go out of my way to offer to help. When you bend over backwards for someone, they’ll usually reciprocate when you need something. Two recent examples of things I’ve done for people I don’t know very well......1. A woman’s dog (poodle) passed away so I made a small donation to a poodle rescue group and sent her a card. 2. A realtor I work with but haven’t really spent much time with just lost his father a few weeks ago. I always enjoy talking to this agent and I felt terrible to hear the sad news. My father was a Builder and he passed away in 2010. I have a bunch of really cool retro looking architectural plans from my dad and I gave Steve one of them because it was something special to me and it also relates to what he does for a living, and we connected over the loss of both of our fathers.
These things really didn’t take much effort but people always appreciate thoughtfulness, and personally I think that has always been a great way to take friendships to the next level rather than continuing to be acquaintances. Also, if people are involved in charities, offering to volunteer for something they are passionate is something they usually really appreciate. These things get you over that connected but not really that connected hump, if that makes sense?
I love this. I am personally married and have 2 kids. Buuut I understand the difficulty of having close friends. Quite honestly I simply dont have time for friends at this point in my life. I barely have time for sleeping. That's definitely something that takes effort though. If mom friends and I want to go out with husbands, it's a feat within itself!
I don’t have much time for friends either but when I’ve done things like this for people, we don’t necessarily have to hang out or talk all the time to know I have someone I can count on. There was a time in my life where I didn’t have these people in my life and it feels great with all of the things I’m dealing with currently when multiple people reach out just to check on me because they know I’m struggling.
Your 3 examples are terrific ideas! As you stated it helps you keep what is obviously a needed distance (emotionally, if not physically too) yet lets your new friends know that you care AND are thinking about them.
Your gifts also let these lucky folks know that however amount of time you have spent actually communicating you have listened, and I mean really listened to what they’ve shared. As someone who has an interest in architecture those building plans/blueprints would have been a deeply meaningful and very kind gift. I cannot stress enough how rare such a, well, for lack of a better word, talent your thoughtfulness is.
You state that it doesn’t take much effort to perform these acts of kindness, and maybe that is true, but most of us wouldn’t know it because so many people don’t take the time to make such gestures.
When my father died in 2007, 2 friends attended the memorial service. No one else. I did receive a voice mail from one other “friend”, but nothing else, no card or follow-up call, nothing. I did receive approximately 8 sympathy cards; two of the senders had taken the extra 5-10 minuets to write a short but touching and welcomed note. The rest just signed their names.
I wrote thank-you letters to the two that did the correct thing, and sent unsigned, generic “thanks for not much” (as I call them) type of card to the others. I actually received 2 phone calls from people in that group complaining about my rather cold response. And how did I respond? As a bitter, vengeful, twisted man such as myself would: I sent, via email, two entries from general yet respected etiquette books on what to do when someone close to you experiences a loss, as well as the actual dictionary entries for the words ‘cold’, ‘angry’, ‘bitter’ ‘hurt’ and ‘disappointed’ .
I know my response is somewhat boarderline anti-social, but in this day and age I strongly feel we, who know better, should share such knowledge with those who have no such experience nor care to find out what would be the appropriate response in such a situation. ;-{)}
I will end with two bon mots:
Hell hath no fury as a wounded and embittered man;
and from the song “Sweet Surrender”, tho I readily admit I may be wrong as to the title and I cannot think of the artist’s name at the moment (dang it):
“It doesn’t take much, it doesn’t take any time at all...”
Scott B
P.S. what a hideously long response to your excellent suggestions. And I apologize for making it more about me. In doing so I forgot a question I was going to ask.
Clearly I have a big mouth, even when writing. Sorry.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Maybe I do take for granted the fact that I seem to have a knack for winning people over, and I’m much better in person. I haven’t always been good at this. Actually, growing up it always felt like I was way better at making enemies than friends. I think over the years I’ve had to figure out how people work and adjust my behavior to get the response I wanted, which was always to be loved and accepted just like everyone else. Another thing that helped was the fact that I always felt like such a royal f*ck up that I always felt like I needed to make up for it. Being creative helps too. I believe if I bend over backwards for someone I hardly know, it gives them the opportunity to do the same for me and if they don’t, then I won’t go out of my way for them anymore. Be around people who make you want to be better and you will be better. I need good people in my life because I naturally tend to be pretty negative and unhappy. I’m great at hiding it though but I think that might ultimately be a bad thing. Lol
May I be so bold-and a little rude-and ask your age? I only do so as you mentioned ‘old’ or ‘older’ people; so to craft an appropriate response I’d prefer to know if I am sharing with someone who is 22 or 45, etc.
Hi from TX- i get it- i keep people at bay by choice but i've found out why. its just my personality type -do you know your type. it could explain YOU in terms that may make sense. here's a FREE link: 16personalities.com/free-pe...
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