Seeking Advice: Coping With Loneliness

[KaiaM]

Hi all, I’ve just stumbled upon this resource and I’m excited to connect with likeminded people! Sorry if this post is too long, there’s a lot of details for the sake of context.

Today I’m looking for some advice or support on my situation. I was recently diagnosed ADHD and BorderlinePD, growing up my dad struggled immensely with his mental health, resulting in addictions to many anti depressants and anti psychotics and ultimately, a very difficult childhood for my brother and myself. He left my family when I was 15, and my mom left shortly after to pursue a new relationship, leaving my older brother (also diagnosed ADHD) and I by ourselves. I was put on a youth agreement and started renting.

The next couple years are a blur, fuelled by impulsivity, drug use, and the motivation to not be homeless. I was generally social, lots of confidence and extroversion. October 2019, I get a new roommate and home and things are starting to look up, she became one of my best friends. January 2021 she loses her job, I pick up extra shifts at my second job to pay her half until she gets a new job. I start working 80 hours a week to pay the bills, 40 hours as an apprentice mechanic, and 40 hours as a pizza delivery driver, this continues for a few months. When COVID hit, our relationship was very strained and I was not doing very well, too much work and not enough of ANYTHING else (food, sleep, etc). So she decided to go to Calgary to see her mom and ends up staying there for a few months, and I eventually lose my job during lockdown. It was during this time being alone in my apartment that I hit rock bottom, more drugs and a whole lot of I can’t remember. In October 2020, as my lease was ending, my grandmother offered to let me move in with her in a city far away from where I was. I accepted, and I’ve been living in a small town away from family and friends since then.

Now that I’m here, I lost most of the friends I had, which I knew was likely to happen. After I left the comfort of my hometown (Vancouver area to rural Okanagan), I feel as though I’ve lost my entire identity. I don’t know who I am or how to present myself, and this has resulted in a ton of social anxiety along with rejection sensitive dysphoria. My best friend through all of this keeps in contact with me, but every day I’ll think he secretly hates me, and I’ll be too scared to reach out to him for fear of annoying him. I’m also aware that I’m dealing with some mental health aspects that he may not want to hear about (mania, pathological lying, extreme amounts of shame), so I feel absolutely alone in dealing with the things that I’m coming to terms with. My mom and her manipulative boyfriend are around the house often doing renovations for my grandma. So I’m now having to navigate feelings around that after I had kept out of contact with them for the past 6 years. So I just feel like there’s too much going on in my brain and I have nobody to talk about it with, but that frustrates me because I know I feel so alone because of the patterns of abandonment and broken trust in my life.

I’m sorry for the long post, I’m feeling very lost and I just want somebody to understand the tornado in my brain. My feelings of loneliness have driven me to do really destructive things in the past, and I don’t know how to cope without those things. Even as I write this I keep thinking I’m doing it for attention, and that people are going to attack me for it. I know that this is a ridiculous thought, but it doesn’t stop it from causing damage. Can anybody relate to some of this? I feel crazy and I’m very tired.

Thank you so much for reading ❤️

[mumhugs]

Yes. That tornado in your brain is key here to figuring all of this out. Think of that tornado like a wound up string. It seems messy right now, an uncontrollable force of nature. But that tornado is a key. And that key is the guide to unlocking a sense of control over your life. Picture yourself grabbing the end of that string, go on do it. Just delicately reach out and hold on to the end. It won’t take much effort, and start to pull. Picture one small thing that’s bothering you right now, one thing that is at the end of that string. Sit with that one little thing, think about how small that one little thing is. Don’t worry about the rest of the tornado, that tornado is gonna keep on spinning. Sit with that little thing. Then go do something about it. Do something about it, then take that piece of string and chop it off the tornado. Tornado is gonna keep on spinning. Let it. It’s a force of nature, what else you gonna do? Just get through one little snip. That’s all you have to do. Tornado is here weather you like it or not, but just chop off that one little piece. Then, when you are ready, come back for another. Doesn’t matter if tornado gets stronger. Tornado is gonna tornado, just keep snipping.

[KaiaM in reply to mumhugs]

Thank you so much, it can be so hard to focus on any one thing when there’s so much going on. This is a very comforting visualization ❤️

[Hidden]

I don’t know what all of your experiences are like, but I do know how it feels to be lonely. I never had lots of friends. A lot of my memories at school were me being in a room with people, but no one talked to me. I often sat alone at lunch, and if we had to do group activities, most kids picked their friends and I’d have to be put in a group. (I HATED that.) I have always known I was different. I tried fitting in or talking like others, but it never really worked. Or not to me. I have said and done things that my peers have found odd. I’m better now in social situations,I’m in college, so yeah. I’ve worried I was crazy because I knew others found me odd and I realized I was different. I got diagnosed with ADHD in high school, I got diagnosed with my learning difference Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) when I was about five. But due to my experiences, I’ve always been afraid of disagreeing with people on stuff and afraid of contradictions because I don’t want to be odd or people to look at me like “what the heck? You’re weird?” I I want to be liked I guess. I’m realizing this fear now, and slowly but surely, I’m dealing with it and learning to be myself, but it’s still hard and I find I’m more comfortable being vulnerable when someone else says something because then I don’t feel crazy or odd anymore. I’m glad you found this resource. I hope it helps you.

[KaiaM in reply to Hidden]

thank you for sharing your experience with me, I also find myself holding back because of my fear of being deemed weird by the people around me. I guess my journey now is to learn how to not be sensitive about how people perceive me, I think finding this site is already helping with that😊

[winnifred1966]

I am a mother of two grown boys, I should really refer to them as men, but they will always be my boys. Being a mom, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold on while telling you that everything is going to be okay ❤️. What you have been through is horrific, and yet you’re still standing. That tells me that you are strong, but at some point even strong people need help. It doesn’t mean you are weak or seeking attention. I am happy that you have reached out. You have to put yourself first and take care of your needs. Take care of yourself ❤️

[KaiaM in reply to winnifred1966]

Thank you so much ❤️ I can feel the motherly love and support from here 😭

[winnifred1966 in reply to KaiaM]

You are more than welcome 😀

[Hopefulljourney]

Being willing to share here with honesty shows your strength and human-ness and beauty! Let yourself acknowledge that. You are worthy of friends, love and connection! Your childhood is different than mine but yet I heard in your writing many pieces of my journey too. I’ve spent a lot of my life (I’m in my late 40’s) wondering if I’m the black sheep in my family or a white sheep living in a family of black sheep. I’ve often been ‘shown’ by my family that I’m the odd one. As I’ve grown up and spent years trying to figure out the truth of myself (and still trying to accept and love ALL the pieces of me) and those around me I’ve started to see things very differently. The last 10 years have had many hurts from those closest around me. I wish what I understood now was my truth when I was 20. I would’ve dated differently, connected differently and perhaps walked away from some in my family that are toxic to me sooner. You are young and more able and capable than you feel and know!! Don’t escape or use escapism to get around all of the heavy subjects and emotions in your world. The tornado explanation above is pretty good. There are many others too. I have discovered that it takes far less time (life hours) to walk through/ spend time and figure out each of my concerns, battles, and relationships than the time and life hours given up to run away, escape, ignore, and run around them. Escapism can be fun and easier but in the end it’s costly both emotionally, physically and financially. reach out for resources such as you did by posting here. Use the internet to read articles or find workbooks for some of your anxieties, journal your feelings. My hardest piece has been finding a peer group (a healthy tribe) with any kind of like background to me. It’s hard to find people immediately around you that have a crazy childhood like mine. The internet helps me with that such as this site. My heart says that you need to know you are worth fighting for and showing up for! At my age I’ve learnt no one is going to rescue me, I have to rescue myself. This is true for many reasons, but since I have abandonment issues from a very young age it’s been a hard lesson. Those around me aren’t capable of it and barely can take care of their own emotional and mental state. I’ve been waiting for decades for those closest to me (multiple sets of parents, sibling, husband) to come and help me understand and come to peace with hurts they created. I’ve come to realize, which was a painful process of accepting the truth and not what I wanted to believe, that they are not capable/ do not have the skills to do so. I have to do it for myself, I have to understand myself what type of life I want and move forward for ME! The biggest battle is in our own heads. The jumble of feedback we give ourselves isn’t always truthful, kind or helpful. I call it walking myself off the ledge... I have to purposefully stop the banter in my head and repeat that I am worthy, beautiful and GOOD. I have to take control of the rhetoric/ the shame, abandonment hurts, unbalanced thoughts, the not true versions of who I am and what I can be in my head and protect the little girl version of myself that can get beat up dee inside. I support and battle and put energy into and for many people in my life but I often don’t do the same for myself. Hopefully something in here makes sense with you. KNOW you have a beautiful light inside yourself and it can’t wait to be shown!!

[KaiaM in reply to Hopefulljourney]

thank you so much for sharing with me, and for your kind words of encouragement ❤️ I absolutely relate to wanting the people in your life to come and make amends. With my mom around right now especially, I think I’m subconsciously waiting for her to take responsibility for what happened. I know this is an unhealthy expectation, but I think I’m starting to shift away from victimhood! Your words are very inspiring, and I can definitely see your light shining through 😊

[Hopefulljourney in reply to KaiaM]

Thank you Kaia for your last sentence especially, in your reply! Victimhood is a great word for it. When I was a child my mom and grandmother and other immediate women in my family taught me to appease others, especially men. They didn’t know purposefully what they were doing but it’s what happened. Don’t be confrontational, don’t be too ‘much’, make sure everyone else is okay with you before your okay with you... that journey for me included a biological dad who walked away early on and a stepdad who was very unhealthy for me. I am still constantly trying to not be a victim, it is so ingrained. Geez! I have two very smart teen girls and they often remind me I need to be more for myself. Not passing shame and guilt and victimhood on to another generation is more important to me than any fame or career win or financial win. I’ve seen 4 generations of women in my family accept abuse, abandonment and make themselves less in order to survive it. That fires me up when I feel lost to keep trying to find a better way for myself so I can maybe even be a leader for my daughters. It’s a back and forth rollercoaster journey. Lol!

Mom-daughter relationships are work (like all true connections) and sometimes people can’t do the work, aren’t capable, don’t have the resources to do so. To be in a relationship one must be in relation and actually be relating with another. That takes time in it together, willingness to understand, grace to forgive oneself and others and commonality of the want to actually be in relation and relating... to have a relationship. Ha! We so often give ourselves to a relationship without asking ourselves if we are actually relating with the other person or having the space and understanding to be in relation. The difference between acquaintances and those who are partnering to really understand one another even the things they don’t agree on. All of that is work! Phew! Probably why we aren’t besties with everyone and so often are in relationships and feel lonely. It takes two! So what to do when ONLY you are coming to the middle and willing to be messy to figure it out?? I’m still working on that one. I do know waiting for years, stopping yourself from growing forward isn’t it. I’m trying to figure out for example how to be okay with loving my mom, maybe even hanging out with her to honor her but not expecting a deeper relationship or understanding or growth WITH her. Even at my age I’m not sure I’m mature enough to have that much grace!

Keep growing, keep waking up each day being grateful for another try at a better day, don’t let the weeds in our mind grow so much they win! My mom-heart sends you some positive mojo!

Ps (sorry for the long reply... the Mom daughter paradigm grabs my heart!)

[KaiaM in reply to Hopefulljourney]

I appreciate all the motherly advice! I love the way you’ve described relationships here, I had never taken the time to really think about what a relationship actually is, I’ve always reduced things to the lowest common denominator- me! But you’re right, it takes 2. I’m amazed at your ability to recognize and break those generational patterns, and it must feel great to have your daughters as proof that things don’t have to be as they have been in the past! I hope that one day my mom can join my brother and I in healing from the past. She kicked us both out on separate occasions, both in the middle of the night, and both at the hands of her abusive boyfriend. I know she never got to develop as a person, she and my dad had my brother when they were teenagers, and I followed a couple years later... she’s been in toxic relationships from the time she was 15 and didn’t have so much as a 2 week gap in between my dad and her current boyfriend. I know she’s a victim in all of this too... but I want to show her that we don’t have to keep doing that to ourselves. Whether or not she takes ownership of her own life is yet to be seen, and maybe when she does it doesn’t include my family 🤷‍♀️ Regardless, I’ll just keep doing the best I can everyday, and hopefully that’ll be enough to show my family what life can be like when you start taking an active part in it.

Positive mojo received!! I have a little extra pep in my step after all these good vibes 😊❤️

[Frankman]

I can’t offer too much advice but I have gone what you have gone through. Glad you found this site for some support....this too shall pass

[MtMan]

Of course you're tired; if you're struggling with Adult ADHD, your mind can run a thousand miles an hour...in one place, and it can be maddening. Especially if you combine that with the relocation, loneliness, and isolation.

If you're still struggling with addiction issues (really common for people with mental health issues as well) check out aa-intergroup.org. they have over 1,000 online AA meetings (alcohol, drugs, behavior - its all just labels for pain) and you can find a meeting pretty much 24/7.

I also found a great YouTube site where a Jessica McCabe, a woman with A-ADHD talks all about living with it as an adult, AND she's funny. Look for "Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story." I don't have any connection to Miss Jessica, I just think she is uplifting and wonderful. Good luck and Godspeed!

[KaiaM in reply to MtMan]

Thank you so much, I’m gonna keep this resource in my back pocket. I saw her tedtalk recently! I didn’t check out her YouTube but I think I will. Thank you for your kindness!

[MtMan in reply to KaiaM]

Of course Kaia - you are NOT alone, we always lose when we compare our insides to other people's outsides. Things can be better for you with some support.

[Alan0127]

Thank you for taking the risk of sharing all of that Kaia. It’s a beautifully human story. At each point I felt the associated sorrow, the confusion, the fear, the hopelessness, and the loneliness. You know when they tune a piano and use a tuning fork? I think they hit it and hold it next to the string, when the string is tuned to the same note they resonate with each other. They synchronize because they are “feeling” the same frequency. I felt that all the way through your description. It helped me.

Not to bend this into my story but, I resonated with so much of what you feel. I am just starting to recover from about seven years of self destructive loneliness. I hit the bottom over the last year. The only reason I didn’t jump off a bridge or OD on something is that I have lost such close friends to suicide or simple failure to thrive because of such chronic self loathing, and the loss of them is unlike the loss of others who have died by natural or non-intentional causes. But that didn’t stop me from killing every other part of my life: job, relationship with my wife, kids, friends. I hooked up with the wife of my best friend who was going through a similar thing. I didn’t even hide it from anyone. I didn’t care. It’s still hard to care about the consequences of my choices but it’s getting a little easier to care. That relationship with my friends wife broke down after six months of being mostly based on alcohol and shared anger and loneliness.

Reading your story helps me know that someone else feels the same desperation and crushing loneliness I felt, and often still feel.

The bottom is a very lonely place but sometimes it’s the only place I can feel the ground under my feet.

[Alan0127 in reply to Alan0127]

By the way, if your story were turned into a book by a very good author (not that you didn’t do a great job of retelling it to us) and very good editor, your life story would very likely be a best seller.

[KaiaM in reply to Alan0127]

thank you so much for sharing with me, it feels really good to know that there are people who can relate to what I always thought was a complex and isolated experience. As I take in more people’s stories, it becomes clearer and clearer that this loneliness and desperation is significant. Human connection is the base of all things, so if a person feels chronically disconnected, it makes sense that that person would do just about anything to bridge that gap. I too have engaged in truly toxic relationships, I’ve begged and manipulated abusive men to not leave me, just because I didn’t want to be alone. Because I feel like I don’t know how to function without doing those things, I’ve jumped to the other end of the spectrum, and I’ve shut myself off from anyone and everyone. Each day I learn a little more, and I hope that I’m moving towards a middle ground. We don’t have to punish ourselves for the mistakes we made when we were just trying to survive... I think it’s enough to recognize that we can do better now, whatever that looks like. For now, I feel stronger knowing that there are people vibing on the same frequency as me, and I hope our little victories can help each other 😊

As for the book- I wish I hadn’t filled journals just to toss them away! I would have had a lot of good material to work with 😂

[ksdjewelry]

there seem to be many helpful comments and people reaching out to support you. chadd has multiple virtual support groups that zoom together on scheduled days. for me that has been a huge step to be a part of an adhd group, or actually participating in any group' through my own initiation. i am learning to not look at the differences in personality with the other members. that has been an isolating behavior i primarily will do in groups to further confirm no one is like me. i so easily see the differences and allow it to create a deep divide. that way i can justify leaving and once again confirm i am the only one dealing with these specific challenges. i wouldn't be participating in these forums, if i truly were unlike everyone else who all seem to be trying to find similar kindred spirits. i'm learning baby steps, trying to stay in the moment letting my emotions come up and let them pass, which is an ever ongoing exercise. i have learned to breathe....which has been my anchor. we are all in this together and here to lift one another up when we can. i wish you strength to keep taking care of yourself and hopefully continuing to reach out.

[KaiaM in reply to ksdjewelry]

Thank you for your sharing with me! I’m so glad you’re finding success in these groups! I’m working my way toward participating in a zoom meeting, I’m quite anxious to talk to new people 😅 even finding this site changed things so much! It’s a big relief to know that there are likeminded people out there who struggle with the same things I do. Keep on thriving 😊