I'm so tired.

[blundluntman]

I'm tired of existing in a society that shames people with ADHD for things we can't control. All my life this condition has made it extremely difficult to connect with people. Whenever I find myself in groups, I spend 70% of my energy controlling the things about my behavior that might make others uncomfortable, most of the time it's more stress-inducing than enjoyable. Even amongst friends I feel like I have to watch myself or I'll become a burden, but I feel guilty when I distance myself. Everything from my hardships in school (it took me 7 years to finish college), unconventional interests and personality make me feel like a scapegoat of judgement for my friends, family, and community.

I'm sick of it, I just want to be myself without having to worry about "society's" approval. I truly feel like isolation is the only way I will ever be happy and I don't know what to do.

[Hidden]

I can relate. I learned very quickly what is conventional. I worried I was crazy. And it caused me lots of pain. I resent conventional standards but also cling to them. I resent them because I know the pain of feeling odd and being (perhaps unintentionally; shamed) but I rely on it because I’m so worried about looking odd or being different or looking stupid that I’ve pushed myself to be conventional. I’m just now learning not to. I’ve felt unconventional on everything. And all I can say is what helped me is first of all; therapy, my mom. And my dad. But my mom especially. And some teachers. And some support from schools. But with all that, I learned not to judge myself so harshly. And in that way, I got to know myself better and understand myself. I’m much more gentle to myself than ever before. I was so afraid of looking stupid I pretended to be conventional and think what others think and I held onto their logic and good points. I don’t do that much anymore, I’m still working on it, but I’m better. It won’t happen overnight, but accept yourself and love yourself and find support. 💖

[blundluntman in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the comment Annegables124! I can definitely relate to the feelings of resentment, its so difficult and frustrating to feel like the odd one out. Having support definitely helps though, my family is pretty patient and understanding so it does help those feelings a bit. Being more gentle and understanding with myself is something I'm still working on personally but I do believe I'll find a bit more peace of mind if I keep trying. I'm glad to read that its worked for you.

I really appreciate the kind words, they mean a lot.

[Gem1n1]

Me too

[StarTree]

I understand that way of thinking. I've definitely spent a lot of time in that thinking and I return to it. (And it also took me 7 years to finish college)

But also as I educate myself about ADHD, mostly right now reading Russell Barkley's books, I realize that one thing ADHD can leave a person without is the ability to inhibit thoughts. To say, "that thought is not serving me". To say, "my goal is to live the best possible life for myself and the thoughts others have of me right now are not helping me do that". ADHD makes us focus on the external situation and forget that we can shape our own path, by talking to ourselves about what we want, about asking ourselves what the next steps are, for example. I never knew that before learning about ADHD because I never knew that was possible. I just reacted emotionally to what was happening around me. I realize now that it is an impairment of ADHD that I can't remember to stop and ask myself what I want before reacting so strongly to others perceptions of me.

Best wishes with your goals and dreams. It's hard, but you're here in this life and you matter. They may never approve. But we can always try to remember to ask ourselves what we want to do about that? Does their approval help us get where we really want to go? Only we can say and I'm pretty sure we have to keep asking ourselves over and over and over. Good luck!

[blundluntman in reply to StarTree]

Thanks for your comment StarTree. That's a great point about forgetting we can shape our own path, I tend to feel stuck in a loop most of the time. The thought of that alone does make me feel a bit better, free in a sense. Especially when i try to visualize how things could be; that's something I'm gonna try to do more often. Overall it's definitely tough but you're right, I think trying to define my life outside of society's approval and just focus on what I believe and can control is the best route.

Best of luck to you as well!

[Hidden]

I can relate. I'm grappling with how to handle long-term patterns in my immediate family, including lack of interest in my ADHD after I disclosed it. I think the hiding of her true self and undiagnosed ADHD led to my mom's death. Family members spoke poorly of her for not being a conventional grandma. Learning about ADHD has given me courage to trust there can be a circle of supportive people instead of trying to conform. I've not tried DBT therapy yet, but it seems really promising for these topics. I'm beginning ACT therapy now, which is another approach to consider. It can feel like extremes between total isolation and being drained from shaping your energy around others. It helps me to reframe things. Your sense of anger and exhaustion is legitimate. 🌻

[blundluntman in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the comment Lilianana, I can definitely relate to the scrutiny that comes with not being able to conform. Also I'm sorry to hear about your mom, I know that has to be tough to witness and deal with. Your point about being courageous enough to be yourself really speaks to me honestly, that's a struggle I've always had difficulty pinpointing. It honestly does help simply reading yours and everyone's comments, I genuinely feel the support knowing you all can relate and its not just words. I'm not too familiar with DBT and ACT therapy so I'm gonna go through google and see what I can find. I definitely agree with reframing, that's something I'm in the process of doing the past year or so.

Thank you again!

[Alan0127]

I know exactly what you are saying, it’s so tough sometimes. Sometimes I find myself just barely holding on. I have been married a very long time with grown children and grandchildren. I thought they would be there for me but I felt more isolated because they are so available yet my impulsive and nonstandard thoughts and ideas confuse them. I went outside my marriage and rejected my whole family at one point thinking I would find someone who would want me. I tried two relationships outside my marriage but very quickly realized that they would not save me from my isolation and hopelessness.

The only thing that saves me now is finding and strengthening a private relationship with a consciousness inside of my own head. One counselor called it my adult self, one called it God, I don’t know what to call him/her but they are inside me and the only reliable advocate I have and ”it” is internal. We can only get complete validation internally. We absolutely require validation from other people and should never feel that it is weak or optional but validation from external sources is always conditional and we will all always fail to meet external conditions at some point.

I have learned to invite the shame into my presence when I feel it, not hate it and shove it away. All of my feelings, shame, anger, sadness, elation, anxiety, etc. are now my friends. When I feel them knocking at my door, I invite them in as honored guests and ask them all the same questions: What is your message for me? Who sent you? What do you want me to know? Often they are old feelings I have pushed away for decades. Often I end up thanking them for warning me of danger but it was danger I felt as a kid and I pushed them out, along with their message way back then. They keep coming back, they keep knocking. I tell them I am sorry for ignoring them so long but gently let them know that that danger no longer exists and they can rest. We have to take care of our past, honor it, not push it aside.

You have an internal advocate. Get to know him/her. They are the quiet voice that tells you you are magnificent, you are valuable, you are not abnormal, your fears and insecurities are not weakness but, they are warnings of valid, legitimate human needs that you absolutely require to survive and are missing.

You are not ADHD you are a unique human being on this planet. There is no substitute for you. If you were to die, the people around you could search the world over to find someone, even similar to you as a replacement, they would find nothing.

[blundluntman in reply to Alan0127]

Thanks for your comment Alan! I really like your perspective on the internal advocate, that's something that I wholeheartedly cling to to help keep me going. Its hard to find ways to cope with the emotions sometimes but I think there is a lot of truth in befriending those feelings. I've done a lot of emotional avoidance in my life but the older I get, the more I feel like I have to simply stop running and come to terms with them. It's nice to know that it's worked for you, especially with the troubles you shared. Your kind words mean a lot and I appreciate it, I also admire you for your story, I know enduring that feeling of loneliness can be unbearable so it gives me hope knowing you've been able to endure that; hopefully I can continue to do the same.

[globalsoul]

I can def identify with that feeling and going back and forth between what’s “socially acceptable”/conventional and my unique way of thinking and being.

[zonarosso]

@Alan0127 What you are describing is Mindfulness. A Buddhist practice that teaches us that we have the power to look at our thoughts in a detached way and decide what to do with them. Mediation is the partner to being mindful. Buddhism is not really a religion in the typical sense. It is a philosophy that centers on working on yourself rather that having an external thing 'save' us. It pairs with other religions quite well as it gives us a way to live day to day in a real sense. It has helped me tremendously to know myself, accept myself, and to know that I can be OK with myself without others opinions of me. I have never 'fit in'. I am the weirdo! And I am now very proud of that. I have kids with ADHD and I believe one reason I was put here is to guide them through this process. They are both artists and giving them 'permission' to be that in this society was necessary to set them free to follow those passions. I would encourage you to research mediation and mindfulness. Jon Jabat Zinn, Jack Kornfield, 1440 university, Be here now network are all good sources. My mantra is "accept yourself and leave the rest" and at age 63 it is (finally) serving me well. Yes, I can get frustrated with the side traits of ADD, but now I notice the good parts. I have passion, I love to learn (gotta love podcasts!!), aand I am capable of having great love for all. It is my belief that ADHDer's are somehow closer to God/Universe than linear thinkers. I can't explain it, but I sure do feel it! I wish love and the best of on your path towards acceptance and non-attachment