40 year old woman who feels she is losing her mind.

[Tallieb3]

I really tried to keep it short. Push through; I need your help!

I was always quiet, never draw attention to myself type of child. My home life wasn't the best, My mom remarried, and they had 2 kids. I watched their marriage be verbally and physically abusive. Thankfully I had grandparents that poured into me. I was so easy going no one noticed or cared how badly I was doing in school. I was too good of a kid for anything to be wrong possibly. But when I was 12, my mom, stepdad moved my brothers and me 12 hours to be close to my other set of grandparents. So I left my dad and grandparents, who I was with most of the time, not to mention my friends. At the age of 13, good old puberty turned me into a hell child, and long story short, I became a teen mom. When I had my daughter, I finally felt loved for once in my lonely life and that my life finally had a purpose. My then-boyfriend, now ex-husband, and I just made it work for as long as we could; we ended up married for 16 years and had 3 daughters in total. However, I didn't want to be married to my ex (who had a temper). As I said for once in my life, it felt whole, and he worked out of town, so I pushed on until I couldn't. When my oldest was 17 and youngest 10, my ex and I separated, My choice, not his, and he made that known to everyone. Even our kids. Well, fast forward a bit. I met someone, and he was fun, new, and sparkly. He consumed me completely. He lived an hour and a half from me, so on the weekends, if the girls asked to go to their dads, I let them. That was a huge mistake, and my daughters ended up wanting to live with dad because I was so consumed with BF. So when my daughters moved in with their dad, I was crushed. My heart was broken. My mom blamed the new boyfriend and let my children know how she felt. So they didn't like him even more. But I couldn't live by myself (or I thought) So I moved an hour and a half away from my children. My new sparkly boyfriend was still fun, and he made me feel good most of the time. Well, It was and is the biggest mistake of my life. My life felt as if all-purpose was gone. I was depressed, which added to the fighting with the new BF. I felt horrible and stayed in bed for days. Anything I enjoyed before, gone. My entire life was different. I went from having purpose and my children to push me to cope with my ADHD symptoms and get up when I just wanted to lay on the couch. My daughter graduated during this time, got engaged. So much that I was there for but not really there. With the depression, my ADHD symptoms became unmanageable. I couldn't hold down my office job anymore. The only type of work I could hold down was bartending. I could still get the office jobs; I couldn't make myself go each day and forget about being on time or productive. Which obviously would turn into unemployment. Which caused more fighting with BF. We fought ALL THE TIME. He drank a lot, and my down, depressed mood made me a lot more moody and quick to get mad or upset, which means toxic. I stopped calling or answering when my family would call. I felt such guilt, shame, and sadness. It took my girls almost 2 years before they would open back up to me unless it were at family functions where they felt they had to. I finally started mending my relationship with my daughters and mending it with my family. New BF and I were in such a codependent relationship that I have left him probably 8 times only to get back together. He finally got his drinking under control. My relationship with my family and girls is stronger than it has been in a very long time. New BF and I are still together after 5 years. We are in a much better place. But the old hurt from the toxic relationship and the fact that I unconsciously resent and blame him for my broken relationships is still something we are constantly working on. We are in therapy and are in a much better place but still have lots more work. So I should be feeling better right, NOPE. BF told me if I wanted to stay home and go to school, he supported that decision and wants the real me back. So I have gone back to school thinking it would help me find my purpose again and because I can no longer work an office job, So needless to say, I am really struggling to keep up with my school work. My symptoms are worse than ever. HELP ME!! I want to feel "normal," well, that's if I have ever felt normal. LOL. What's going on with me? The doctors look at me as if I am nuts when I tell them something isn't right. Is this due to depression, hormones, or am I truly going crazy? How can a once strong mother of 3 girls that were involved in school, sports, whose husband worked out of town, and she worked full-time? Yes, I had the typical mom with ADHD moments, but I was always able to push through. Why can't I now? Why can't I be happy?

I have not mentioned important info was 2 years before my divorce; I had a partial hysterectomy. Which I was told even with just your ovaries, I will probably experience menopause earlier.

[RollingThunder]

Hi, I think it would be a good idea for you to think about getting medication to help you through this period. I was having an extremely hard time the worst episode of depression and high anxiety brought on by too much emotional stress, so I went back on meds. I have no regrets. I believe that medication, along with a good therapist you can work you way to a happier healthier you. Hugs 🤗

[Lorrella]

Giirrlll! You've told much of my story. I'm 60 now. My "kids" are 41 and 43.I finally got out of the first marriage 26 years ago. I just celebrated 34 years in Al - Alon. I'm starting to check out some new ways to help myself. I've been under a doctor's care for my anxiety, and adhd for years,, but it's been through a clinic that can only offer me 20 minute visits once a month. Now I need more. I'm checking out a new doctor and therapist this week. Doctor looking at you like your nuts?! How about, "Doctor, why are you looking at me like that? Tell me what you're thinking. " Menopause hit me hard, take care of yourself. I needed extra help then. Spouses can't help with everything, now you have us, and do you have other support networks? Sincerely, Christine

[Tallieb3 in reply to Lorrella]

Thank you so much for your reply, huge hugs to you for getting through your difficult years. I am seeing a therapist once a week. He doesn’t really know much about women with ADHD. I’ve really struggled to find one in my area. My relationship with my family is better but they don’t really understand or offer support. They didn’t get me help when I was a child even after being diagnosed and still think it’s just something minor. Especially since I was able to hold it together for so long. I am so thankful to have found you all.

[Lorrella in reply to Tallieb3]

Yes, families of origin...Where are you?

[Tallieb3 in reply to Lorrella]

Good ole Alabama, I am originally from Missouri moved to Georgia we I was 12 lived there until about 6 years ago. I hate it here, So many closed minded, judge mental self righteous you know what’s. I would give anything to move back to Georgia.

[JW621]

If you don’t have meds to cope and tools to deal with your adhd you will never be happy. Try to take a step forward. Get help. Cognitive behavioral therapy. It might make you feel the new you.

[Tallieb3]

Thank you all, i appreciate your support., I should have joined here a long time ago. I am actually taking adderall 30 mg (I’ve tried IR-which work better, just wore off to fast and current XR) Wellbutrin and they just added Zoloft. As I stated I’m better and can actually do some things finally but it’s still a huge struggle.

[RenewedAt42]

After my hysterectomy at age 39 my brain went haywire. I didn't realize it at first, but after I left the job i had kept for 16 years and found a new job, I felt like I was going crazy. I knew what I had to get done, knew how to go about it, but when it came down to putting the plan in action, I felt like I was trying to put a puzzle together while in a tornado. I was finally diagnosed at 42, which was over 4 years ago. I had to fight like hell to get someone to understand that the depression and anxiety I was feeling was not something that could be "talked" away and that something was off kilter with hormones, or some other internal factor. I finally ended up with a nurse who I joked to that maybe I just had ADD. This was after being prescribed buproprion, which actually worked unlike all the SSRI inhibitors like Zoloft and Prozac I had tried over the years. Anyways, you can find a lot of stories about menopause/hysterotomy kicking ADD in for women, I strongly believe that it is a major factor. If you are able get it, the best book I have seen is Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden. There are a lot of first person accounts from women who were diagnosed late in life and it may help you get some footing for taking on your doctors. Keep on them, or find someone else who will listen. Best of luck!

[Laykonyde]

Sending you hugs!

[HadEnuf]

Simply put, you reached the tipping point where managing life with ADHD demands more time than you have waking hours: for some, it's college coursework that does this; for others, it's reaching a certain level of responsibility in a career (as in my own case); still others, demands of some stage of parenthood.

It can really be anything, minor or major, that makes the difference; but the result resembles, more than anything else, hitting bottom in an addiction: life goes abruptly from feeling manageable (whether or not it really was so) to completely unmanageable.

A word of caution, first: now that the proverbial djinn is out of the bottle, "going back" won't change that—your new-found awareness of your predicament is, for better or worse, almost certainly permanent. Besides, that'd meet that definition of insanity some express as, “Doing the same yet expecting different results.”

The bottom line is you'll need to find a new and different way to make sense of it all; and most of the schemes you'll find for doing so, as you search for something that works, will be designed for neurotypical minds that evaluate importance VERY differently: what matters to YOUR brain is not going to be what matters to theirs, and that will upstage the effort if you don't account for this.

(The example in my life was attempting to use a traditional planner: what takes most people ten minutes turned into a waste of two hours, for me, because my brain can't edit out details, unconsciously, where others “get this for free”.)

I wish I could be more specific than, “Find minimally-invasive ways to keep track of where your day went and to remind yourself of where it needs to go—because you DO know this, even when your conclusions differ from those if others.” The reality is, I'm still searching for ways that don't break down, under the pressure that pervades my line of work.

It'll probably be an incremental process, moving in fits and starts; but don't give up: the option to do so went away forever, when unawareness broke down.

[acrononymous]

The first thing I want you to know is that you are an amazingly strong woman to have survived all of that. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know because a good bit of your life is my story. The first time I was told that I was an amazingly strong woman was just a few weeks ago. I cried for quite awhile. A good cry. I had never looked at my life through the lens of all I had survived. I had only viewed things through what I was told were my failures.

Surviving an abusive home and relationships takes strength that not everyone has. Such things are a much greater accomplishment than remembering your house key before you’ve locked the door behind you (which I will be working on for the rest of my life).

My life began when I learned that, at the end of the day, the only person I had to be accountable was myself. It’s been a long road and I’m still traveling it. But, the moment I decided I was too exhausted to be anything but myself (instead of what everyone else told me I was or what I should be) the most important things began falling into place. I have rebuilt relationships with my kids, my siblings, and my friends. My daughter in-law even told me that she likes this fully unpredictable ADHD me much better than the one that was trying to please everyone all the time.

I began with finding out who I am, what is most important to me, and found the help I needed to begin making the changes I needed to make. And I am creating my own version of being normal, which doesn’t look like anyone else’s. I lock myself out of the house regularly. A neighbor has my spare key. I order my groceries for delivery so I don’t get side tracked and spend money on things I don’t need. I have timers all over the house and sticky notes on the bathroom mirror. And 100 other quirky things I call survival skills.

There are some wonderful support groups on ADDA (add.org). It’s a non-profit organization. Membership is $5/month or $50/yr and it gives you access to all the webinars and support groups for no additional charge.

Keep pushing forward. Keep searching for what you need. And never forget that you can do anything you want, whenever you want, if you’re willing to accept the consequences - both good and not so good.

Because, well, let’s face it - there are things we just plain shouldn’t do lol