How common is this toxic coping mechanism?

[petlover16]

Hello, this is my first forum post. Hopefully there will be more cheerful ones to follow.

I am 24yr old female and was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 19. I grew up with a brother who was diagnosed when he was 7 and since I did not present like him I was not recognised until later.

Somethings I rarely hear talked about with ADHD are the extreme ranges in mood. When I am happy it can be such joy that it is like a drug. My chest is full of bubbles and the stars are within my reach. When I am sad I fall into this deep, deep pit where the weight carves itself a seat in my chest and doing anything is impossible but remaining still is painful. Being unproductive feels selfish.

This may have more to do with how I was raised, or it may be common among folks with ADHD. I learned however, from a very very young age, that pain focused my mind and eased my emotions.

I don't remember when I began self harming (I have never cut because strangely the idea wasn't to "hurt myself" per-say) but I have pinched, bruised, punched, whipped, and froze my way through all my darkest hours. Now as an adult this coping mechanism feels highly inappropriate and shameful, but it is the only set of tools that I know always work.

I never told a soul about it until I sought out a therapist last year. Since then I have told one of my truest friends. No one else. Speaking to others was extremely freeing. I do continue to self harm. Last year it was less. This year is slightly more again. I wanted anyone else out there who may have developed this coping mechanism to know they are not alone. Honestly, I am hoping I am also not alone.

Please feel free to share and add on. Also, I can guarantee that telling someone helps. Even calling an anonymous help line and saying the words takes a weight off your soul.

Take care out there in this weird, hard, but wonderful world.

-S

[acrononymous]

Thank you for sharing!

I just wanted to let you know that while your struggles are huge, your post was full of hope because you also shared what helps you. My symptoms are different but it is in small victories that I find hope. Your post will help others who share your struggles to also find hope.

In my life, I find it helps to focus on those small victories because small is repeatable. And small builds upon small to become large victories that we might not recognize until looking back weeks and months and years later.

[olivias1]

I have experience the same things, I would get so aggressive and have these rage attacks and the only thing that would "take away" the extreme anger I felt would be to self harm. This was before I was diagnosed with ADHD, so hopefully now I know enough about myself where it wont happen anymore.

[petlover16 in reply to olivias1]

Thank you for sharing as well. It is good to know other people have the same struggles. I hope you also find some good coping mechanisms!