Issues with Communication

[Muddpuddle]

My wife and I both have ADHD - probably not the best combo, especially considering all the other co-morbid additions.

We have multiple issues that are really causing problems for us communication-wise. Well, for me anyway.

1st. Her and I both have issues with being overly sensitive to criticism and such - I forget the term. She believes she doesn't have this issue but it seems pretty obvious to me.

All I can do here is try my best to be patient. Beyond that, I just don't know...

2nd. She has a weird tone-of-voice issue. In other words, she doesn't recognize when she's changing her tone of voice like you would when you're upset vs happy and all the subtle things between. Even how you might talk with your mom vs speaking with your friends. I wish I could come up with a better way to explain but I've got nothing. Simply put, she doesn't understand and control her own tone very well. She gets pissed when we talk about it and claims it's 100% on me. Literally though, with all the other people I talk to and am around, she is the only one whose tone throws me off. Ever.

I'm trying my best to ignore her tone but that just doesn't seem normal. If someone seems upset, for example, you behave accordingly, yes?

3rd. In conversation, she will "hear" things I know I did not say. And claim to have said things that I'm quite positive she did not. She has even owned up to this at times, "must have had that conversation in my head". But then argue with me constantly about things she *did* say, "I told you..." or things she thinks I said. I'm not good at recalling conversations verbatim so I'm always at a disadvantage when this comes up but I know my own speech patterns and phrases I do and do not say. This one's very frustrating and causes regular arguments.

I don't know if this is a part of her ADHD or what. Again, this is not something I've ever dealt with in conversation with anyone else. We've been married for several years and It seems like this issue and the others are getting worse...sometimes...

4th. I think these two are related: First, she has to be right about everything. Even her family has pointed this out (she was pissed off for days...) - I have not said anything of the sort to her. It just gets really tiring. Second, she very rarely apologizes for anything - she'll just move on. Done. Doesn't seem to matter what she's done or how wrong she is... She also very rarely will say please or thank you now that I think of it. This leads to many things sounding like commands if she's wanting me to do something. If I point this out I get, "am I supposed to beg you to do these things?" And in fights about her tone or anything else, she will get all pissed, "what, am I supposed to say PLEASE for everything!"

So when we talk and I know she's wrong, I have to be careful about what I say. It can get tiring. Serious patience is needed at times. The courtesy stuff I just have grown to ignore for the most part. It is just not part of her character (she is a mostly good and caring person - the courtesies are just not a thing apparently).

I don't know if I just needed to vent or what. Another argument tonight spurred on by her tone, being "right", being defensive, and according to her, me being too sensitive ("that's 100% on you" as she said yet again).

I know these explanations are over simplified but this could take a whole book... Any advice about any of this would be great.

I swear, I've ended relationships for less. Even ended a marriage for "less", sort of...

But I have no intention of ending this. It is just becoming so difficult to communicate effectively and without chaos ensuing. I need to figure out how to fix things or change my way of thinking about certain things...

It's complicated...

[Muddpuddle]

The courtesy thing just seems so odd to me as I've re-read what I've written. I get that not everything needs a please or thank you. Hanging out with a friend you're likely to say, "hand me that thing" vs "please hand me that thing"... it is very difficult to explain the lack of courtesy in this relationship. I do get thank yous... I often cook and If remembering correctly, will get a "thanks for dinner" or something. This whole thing is difficult to get across...

[Judethedog in reply to Muddpuddle]

Hi Muddpuddle, it's no help to you but I have to tell you, I relate to your struggles with her. I give you props for working on it, I often (or always) just shut down, or ignore or "make nice" by changing the subject. You are at least acquiring skills to deal with her unique challenges and admitting that you have your own. About the "courtesy" issue, is it a language thing when she wants you to do something or is it a general failure to recognize your contributions to the enterprise that is your relationship, whether household tasks, making plans, dreaming of the future?

[Dodger09]

Have you guys tried couples therapy? I have some of the traits you described and they were way worse before I became aware of them and made an effort to change. My partner also has adhd (we both do). The thing is he has issues that are just as bad and annoying that he struggles/refuses to see. So him telling me to fix this or that would be met with a brick wall since I was sick of being blamed. It wasn’t until we both worked on fixing ourselves instead of each other that we made any progress. ADHD is also often genetic so these traits can be learned (thanks mom and dad) so harder for the individual to recognize as “wrong” or needing to change.

[New-Confused]

I'm recently realizing that both my partner and I also both have ADHD & can relate to what you are saying and how it is difficult to articulate what is "going wrong". I find that one thing steamrolls into another and it is hard to pick apart what is really going on.

My husband also has some troubles verbally communicating his different mood, it's always the same to me, he seems to always be yelling (happy yelling, mad yelling, scared yelling, it's all just off putting). I'm also super sensitive to noises and behaviors that he is completely oblivious to doing, usually it involves fidgeting or pacing. I know he is soothing himself but the behavior seems so rude to me and would make me infuriated.

It's taken us years to work through this. Our best experiment was going on a vacation and making a pact to be "nicer" to each other. Just take the back and forth out of it and I promised him, if you are "nicer" to me, it will help me relax and I will feel nicer and we will both have a more relaxing time. And it worked!!! We use it as an example when things feel really heated, can we take a break from this fight and try and re-create that vacation mood? For us, we both would get bitter, defensive and stubborn (and sometime still do), breaking the cycle and focusing on the fact that we love each other helped. It's also helped to try and separate issues that are "in our control" or "not in our control" and try and be a team against outside pressures/demands/anxieties we cannot control.

So, being mad about who's doing the dishes or making dinner, "in our control" we made this mess and we can get through it.

Being mad because we're having financial troubles due to family members (the trifecta of married angst) is definitely "out of our control" so it doesn't make any sense to get mad at each other when we're mad at someone else or just MAD.

Finally, I read on another thread that many ADHD people have an easier time writing about their feelings rather than talk about them (less defensive, easier to make a full argument, able to re-read and comprehend at your own pace) and I realized that most of our bigger issues have been worked through via text or emails. One person suggested even going into two separate rooms and texting each other to resolve a heated argument.

I hope this helps!