8 year Relationship/marriage struggles

[TRILLMIND96]

So ive been dealing with so much in the last 8 years of being with my girlfriend/wife and learning more about my adhd and what triggers me we've been through so many situations that bu now you would think we'd be on the same page by now but theres been so much external and internal drama that it seem like shes just shut down ive taken time to apologize and acknowledge my behavior and actions but its been this on going thing were she dosent feel the need to open up and talk about her wrongs and dosent properly take the steps to rekindle i get so annoyed to a point where i try and regulate myself but more fuel gets added to the fire by a passive aggressive comment or her loosing her temper on our daughter telling me how i need to things as a parent when ive beem the tonthis day to cook Clean organize and tend to our animals while she currently works overnights and sleeps most of the day. ive lost my temper over the time over situations to where i could have done things differently and have taken the steps to work on myself but not seeing her wanting to try out any therapeutic work to resolve any internal issues she has and the ones we have together and our daughter keeps being exposed and im at a point where i keep setting foundation and i have her fighting against what i have set in place complaining about organization strategies and day in day out pick up. It seems as ive been deemed the caretaker and im not in a relationship for that i am wanting genuine teamwork and effort and ive expressed this to her multiple times and she keeps giving me this false sense of security and i gets me to a point o say the deepest things ive thought about and get myself into even more trouble. Theres a lot more i want to add its just alot of this same narrative and i cant seem to get soild help with this situation

Should i leave or keep trying to save my family?

[STEM_Dad]

I can't give you advice on whether to stay or leave. That really is a very personal, individual decision.

I was married for 20 years. The marriage had ups and downs, as all relationships do. Most of that time, my ADHD was undiagnosed. So, my wife had to do a lot of the things that I didn't do so well, like remembering to pay the bills, planning the menu, writing up the shopping list, and other stuff. If it required memory to do, it fell to her by default.

I was very willing to do anything that needed doing, so I ended up doing the majority of cooking and cleaning, yardwork, and basically anything that she didn't want to do. I sort-of spoiled her, and she liked it. A lot of the time, she didn't have to lift a finger. (When the kids were babies, I even got up with them for nighttime feeding and diaper changes almost every time.)

I was always trying to work on my issues, but I didn't go to therapy nearly often enough. I would always "put in the work" as much as I could, because my view is that life is about personal growth.

She has issues that she has carried with her from childhood, which cause her to have trust issues, sometimes be cruel, orten be controlling. She could be fine for months on end, but then be triggered about her past...but she didn't want to deal with it, she wanted to bury it. Like a zombie, it wouldn't stay buried.

She is an intelligent, observant person who sees everyone else's issues, but she won't deal with her own.

• Twice during our 20 year marriage, she was in an affair. When she did, it was like she was trying to fill some hole inside her. The second time, she chose to leave the marriage. (I think she might have wanted to leave the first time, but that guy turned out to be using her.)

Childhood abuse and neglect can make a person prone to personality issues (up to the severity of having Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, BPD or BPD), and so many of them have have trust issues that they will not seek treatment. (I have definitely seen signs of BPD in my ex-wife.)

Pills can't treat their needs (though my ex keeps trying). They need really good therapy to begin to heal.

But you can't make someone who needs therapy to go therapy. If they don't want to get help, then even if they are compelled to go, they won't do the work.

~~~~~

The thing to ask yourself is this:

• Do you love this person?

• Do you want to be together with this person?

• Do you think that this person is a good person, who has some problems; or are they not the good person that you thought them to be?

• How much longer can you be resilient, to give them the opportunity to change how they behave and how they treat you?

• What boundaries do you need to set, in the best interest of yourself, your child, and your family unit as a whole?

......

For me, the answers to these questions are:

• I still love her.

• I wish we were still together.

• I do think that she's a good person, but she has some major problems that she needs to work on.

• I had been resilient, and I know that I could be again, but now that we're divorced... I wouldn't be in a rush to remarry her, because...

• I would have to set some boundaries if we were together again...it can't be as unbalanced as it was, as one-sided as it was, with her receiving the majority of the benefits, but me doing the majority of the work.

{It was unfair for me to do so much work. But it was also unfair for her to have to remember everything and make most of the decisions.}

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

TL;DR

What do you want? What are you willing to accept from your partner?

No relationship is perfect, but most relationships can work. It takes work and dedication on the part of both partners, to make the relationship work.

Here's a lesson that I've learned about divorce:

• Divorce always causes harm. It hurts both partners, it hurts the family, it hurts each partner's relationships outside the family, and it always leaves both partners with worse financial stability.

There's always a cost to end a marriage. But if the marriage is causing harm (it doesn't have to be physical, but can be psychological, emotional, even financial harm), then you may need to examine if you should remain in the marriage.

(For me, personally, the hard line is with physical or sexual abuse...I won't tolerate it. I think that a lot of problems that cause harm might be able to be healed, but the trust that is broken by physical or sexual abuse is virtually impossible to make right.)

[G7BK]

Ahh divorce with kids is messy but sometimes necessary my friend. So obviously work at it if you can.

I think the singer Pink has been with her guy forever and they swear without mariage counceling they would brake up.

I recomend a great book, its written by a christian but isnt christain focussed.its called the 5 love languages, the first few chapter basically cover what your saying. But I think its the chalange of all marriages, keeping that 100% effort as sometimes the other just has nothing to give.

I was feeling like you were for ages and still do sometimes, but its just my thoughts, if i sit in peace and think about my wife and kids, im just content, but put me all wound up in front of the dishes at 10pm and its hard to stay focussed on what i value. Not what i did this week which was get all narky and go for a walk to calm down!

Good luck, but by a long shot you are not on your own in thinking this, i believe all couples go through these stages and seasons and either act as a time of growth or don't.

[DaffyDaisy]

Relationships really do have ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the anger and remember to see one another with love. I used to get so angry with my spouse of 20+ years when he would try to offer a million suggested 'fixes' to my problems. Many times, he'd get defensive, as if I'd accused him of being the culprit of whatever was going wrong. I consistently have to remember my tone. But apart from that, I typically have to be the one to deescalate the situation. If I'm ramped up, he'll always get ramped up. Is that fair? No. Is it the way it is? Yes. He helps me and accepts so many of my behaviors that I think I can do this one thing – help us both find peace. If you want to save what you have, sometimes you have to be willing to carry more slack from time to time. Unfortunately, I do better carrying slack than being comfortable with him carrying my baggage...

[Mamamichl]

When I worked overnights, I was a b****! Bad! Maybe ask her if she’s getting the sleep she needs or if she needs to change jobs.

That being said, I left my ex after 10 years. What helped me realize it was time to leave was I didn’t want to be with him when things were going well. In the heat of the argument, we all throw out wanting to leave, but when I was having a good week with him and still wanted to leave, I realized it was over. I’m not saying you should leave. It just might help you put it in perspective. We all have issues, but when someone refuses to change, they may feel trapped as I did. It could just be the sleep deprivation since no one is in their right Mind if they aren’t getting their physiological needs met (look up maslows hierarchy of needs).