Defeated thoughts & some questions

[Rockhounding]

So, I joined this group about a month or so ago and this is my first time posting. First I want to say that I appreciate having a place to even just read the other posts and know that I am not alone in how I feel.

I was not diagnosed with ADHD until just within the past 9 years and I am almost 50. This came along with being diagnosed with learning disabilities, such as dyslexia. All that came about as a result of trying to figure out why I was having bigger issues while taking higher level college classes. And this all came about two years after being diagnosed with severe depression.

So, now I am still working on trying to complete my bachelor's degree two classes at a time as I support myself and work full time. Here's my challenge.....most days I feel like I struggle to get through. It takes me longer with my assignments (even longer than the three extra days I get due to my learning disabilities) so I feel like I am always struggling to get through. I feel tons of shame because of my disabilities and that I can't do the work as fast. Most days I feel like my brain is just done by noon and anything after that is a struggle to get through. And of course, at some point what I call the downward spiral comes and I fight to not just curl up in a ball with feeling defeated because I can't keep up, because of how much I struggle, because of how tired my brain is and I am physically due to it, because of the shame I feel with it all and being almost 50 and still trying to finish my degree, .....and the depression gets all wrapped in there and before I know it I don't feel like I can do anything. Part of my shame makes me not want anyone to know and another part makes me feel like I wish my instructors and my boss could really understand this struggle I have. I feel like I am always apologizing to my instructors and hoping they will be understanding and patient.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way? Has wanted or wished that others could know what it is like to function (or try to) with all things?

I know there are meds (which I take), counseling, groups like this, and some other supports that I have read about. But does anyone have suggestions on how to turn the defeated and shame feelings/thoughts into some way to be okay with all this struggle?

Thanks. And like I said at the beginning, thanks for sharing your stories, it has helped me to know I am not alone. Especially since I am still trying to figure so much of this out.

[diagnosedat51]

Hi. I am in the same boat although diagnosed with ADHD two years ago and do not have the additional dimension of dyslexia.

I can relate 100% though. I am slow to pick up what people are saying, difficulty getting through more complex articles in the paper. And very very distracted and emotional. All this despite anti-anxiety medicine. Still trying to get the focus medicine in play. I have tried five with no success. My husband says I am difficult to be with these days.

It is hard not to despair and very hard for me to convey flow all this feels, if anyone is interested anyway.

I know this isn’t helpful in a practical way but I hope knowing that somebody is out there feeling frustrated sad and wanting to curl up in a ball also is at least helpful and that you know you are not alone.

Keep slogging away. There is no shame in working hard.

[Rockhounding in reply to diagnosedat51]

Thank you for your response!

It is hard to convey the swirl of emotions and thoughts. That is for sure! It doesn't help that I was taught from a young age to just stuff my feelings and thoughts and just be happy. I am way better these days on being able to name my feelings and to allow myself to have them.

Yes, it does help to know that I am not alone in how I am feeling. Thank you for sharing your experience to help me know that I am not alone or losing my mind!

[diagnosedat51 in reply to Rockhounding]

You are welcome. Forgot to mention something. Have you had an ADHD coach or life coach? Really helpful.’ Go on CHADD and look. Some great people out here. Just be sure to find right fit. Read their statements and study their pictures.

[Rockhounding in reply to diagnosedat51]

No, have I not gotten a coach. I had not heard of that until I started looking at CHADD's site. I will look at them. Thank you!

[2000sunflowers]

I definitely relate to your feelings of defeat, shame, and just wanting to curl up into a ball and give up. It’s super hard to get through those feelings once you let yourself get pulled down by them. I’m still trying to figure out how to avoid that. One things that helps me when I am feeling really down, is I like to read helpful articles that relate to my situation. There is one that helped me in particular, here is the link for that: aconsciousrethink.com/8018/...

Not sure if it will be helpful for your situation in particular though. It helped me realize that those feelings of defeat and avoidance and shame all come from your inner self-critic. Just because your brain tricks you into feeling horrible about yourself, doesn’t mean those thoughts are actually accurate in any way. Sometimes you just need to ride out those awful feelings and then once you get out of them, you can reflect on ways you could help yourself once you are in that situation again. Just remember that part of being human is going through temporary emotions and picking yourself back up again. It truly is EXHAUSTING and sometimes I question if I can ever get back up and try again, but I always end up doing just that.

College classes are hard for anyone, especially people with ADHD (and not to mention that you work full time on top of that). I would know, I am currently in college full time, working part time, and I have ADHD (obviously your plate is more full than mine though). I try to take on each struggle as it comes (ie. pushing myself really hard on exam weeks and taking a couple days to recharge, then going hard for the next exam), and think about it as individual battles I have to face until the end of the semester. That definitely helps, because if you think about the rest of your struggles you have to face all at once, it is WAY too overwhelming sometimes.

Good luck, you’ve got this! If you ever need anyone to talk to I am just a message away.

[Rockhounding in reply to 2000sunflowers]

Thank you!!

I will check out the article that you sent (after I finish homework 🙂). Sometimes I forget to just ride the wave....or sit in the mud as my counselor would call it. I am not very good at just sitting in it. Thanks for the reminder! Sometimes I just feel like if others could just know or understand what is going on with me it would help. I am not sure what I am thinking would come from that, but I still think it.

Thank you for your suggestions on doing the college class work too. That sounds like a great way to approach it, and I am going to try it.

It helps knowing that someone understands. Thank you! 😊

[sdbpast]

3 one-on-one co-working sessions per week are free on Focusmate.com. Unlimited sessions are $5/month. You sign up for a session and get matched with a partner, announce which tasks you're going to be working on, work on those tasks for 50 min. with the camera on, and then tell the other person how much you got done at the end. (I don't have any stake in their company, I just wanted to share because this helps me so much & is much more affordable than coaching.)