I never realized how significant of an impact ADHD has had on my life up until a month or so ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD (Hyperactive and Inattentive) when I was 5 or 6 years old. I never had much of an understanding of it and I’ve only just begun to learn.
From the age of 5-18 I had been on several different Stimulants, SSRI’s and SNRI’s. The one medication that seemed to work was Dexadrine at 120mg a day. I was on this dosage for more about half of my life.
When I reached the age of 17-18 I decided I didn’t need the medication, mostly likely because I didn’t have an understanding of ADHD from such a young age. I didn’t understand why I was different, why I saw things differently, etc. I’m sure we can debate on the reasons for that, but I believe it was in large because I was so heavily medicated and also because of how my family decided to nurture me.
Fast-forward to 2020, here I am with a good job, an amazing partner who pushes me to be the best I can be in all the right ways and is supportive and understanding, and then here I am. Miserable.
It wasn’t until a little over a month ago that I was driving home from the gym and it it me like a ton of bricks. Perhaps it was because I had used a stimulant (3dmaa) in a preworkout drink that gave me the moment of clarity, but that’s when it hit me. All of what I’m dealing with is as a result of me not ever working on myself and learning to live with having ADHD.
I’ve been writing a lot lately about the very specific impacts ADHD has had on my life, but I will not share that now as that would only add to this probably giant wall of text. I will however share what I struggle with and live with every. single. day.
My Symptoms:
-repetitive phrases
-stammering (esp. when tired or overstimulated)
-lack of motivation and drive
-difficulty with delayed gratification
-difficulty getting started and following through
-difficulty remembering
-difficulty having conversations and thinking straight
-repetitive thoughts/a lot of noise in head
-depression
-poor executive function
-difficulty concentrating
-poor emotional regulation
-poor body image/self esteem
-anxiety
-shame
-guilt
-compulsiveness
-ocd
I see a therapist regularly, but I’m thinking I need to see one that specializes in adult ADHD.
I am on Focalin now, 2.5mg 2x a day. It does not work. This was lowered from 5mg 2x a day a couple of days ago. This same doctor had me on Stratera, and one day at 40mg caused me to go into anaphylaxis and a few other very unpleasant side-effects. The Focalin is not working at all. I don’t even know how I’ll make it through this weekend.
I guess I’m posting this to share my experience and, well, to be honest I don’t have very high expectations that I’ll be okay. I feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for is about to get lost. My great job, my great significant other, friendships, my sanity. Everything.
My plan for next week is to contact my doctor on Monday to tell him that again, the medication he prescribed is not working. I am also going to attend a Zoom Webinar for CHADD.
Does anyone have any similar experiences? Have you got out of this hole? Does it get better? I’m really trying. I really am and I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.
Thank you.
Written by
CrispyNYPizza
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Why not go back to Dexedrine? Like you, I am tired of struggling to live with this, but I am hopeful. The benefit of all of us is that we can only work up from where this disorder puts us.
However, I do think being conscious of the disorder, and living accordingly can help. Perhaps affix a strategy for every side effect.
I know that if I need to get something done for myself, I need to tie it to doing something for someone else or tie it to something with a dire consequence...or urgency? Doing something for someone else stimulates me - makes me tense about satisfying their need and not disappointing (I know, that's another issue). For instance, if I want to take a walk every morning, I will offer to drive someone somewhere. After I drop them off, I stop at a park and take a walk before going home. Otherwise, I will not leave home solely to take a walk, no matter how much I obsess about my need to take one.
I am going to call the doctor on Monday and ask why he decided to go with a relative of Ritalin, when we knew Ritalin did not work when it was given to me as a child. I will also ask why not try Dexidrine again.
Strategies are def. something I am going to need to work on to have in place. Have you found a good therapist that specializes in this? I have a therapist now, but I am under the impression that ADHD is kind of out of her wheel-house and I’d like someone who really specializes in it. Is there a way to see reviews of therapists?
I’m telling you, I need to fix this. I feel like I’m being robbed of having a good life.
I have not found a therapist that specializes, but I can't say that I've specifically looked. my insurance "assigns" docs that specialist in general psychology. All of them want to ruly out other issues before trying ADHD. I don't understand that.
My sister did find someone. It was her doc's idea to test her and she "passed" with flying colors. Her doc put her on meds about 5 months ago, and she says she is starting to see some changes. She adores her doctor.
Hello there crispynypizza,sorry about all your probs.I think all your ailments will be very familiar to us adhders.As someone who still hasn't been put on meds for this,can you tell me whether the meds you've taken,make you better overall or do the downsides make you feel worse.do the meds only work for a short time and then the side effects take over?I'm probably like most people who want to get into meditation/wellbeing but I'm fantastic at putting things off.I really hope you can find your own way of blocking the outside noise and get yourself back to how you want to be.Youre not alone if it's any comfort.
The majority of the medications I was in were when I was a child.
Ritilin seemed to exacerbate symptoms, which Focalin is doing to me now. I also feel the physics side effects of Focalin (heart rate).
Srattera was amazing. Aside from terrible negative side effects, for the day I was on it it felt like glasses had been put on my brain.
I had tried Vyvanse years ago as well, when I saw this same doctor. It was effective, but I didn’t find it to be that great. I wish I remembered more specifics, same goes to Adderal.
I do remember Dexedrine very well. As a child and teenager I was on a very high dose (up to 120mg/day). But it worked. I was very blunted, but it helped my executive functions tremendously.
I metabolize medications extremely fast, so you may not have these side effects with any of the medications. You may have very different reactions. Talk to your doctor before being prescribed and keep a journal/log about how your feeling while on them.
Good luck, I hope you find help. I know for sure that without medication, I won’t be my best me.
Also, I just spent the past two hours watching Dr. Russell Barkley on youtube. Check him out - he provides a lot of insights into ADHD.
ABSOLUTELY get out of your current therapy and Find a psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in ADHD. I was in therapy for five years two times a week with a psychiatrist who never even mentioned ADHD. It was by my own deduction that I might have it. She was dismissive and ultimately I was tested. Confirmed that I had ADHD so many things became clear to me that she never even helped me with.
Also get a life/adhd coach. Very soothing if you find right person. Go to CHADD website to look For someone. Go through the list very diligently and look at the pictures and see if anything they say you can relate to. Some are much more about organization versus just getting through the
Sounds like should absolutely talk to your psychiatrist or someone new about changing up your meds completely.
I feel ur struggle my friend.. I'm happy u had a chance to have meds at an age.. They told my mom have more kids he'll be fine.. Like yea right I got worse... Then at eighteen I blew it off.. Unfortunately that was the ADHD... I'm doing half way decent now got away to go.. We really need to remember no matter if had meds earlier in life and stop or we started later in life... Are brains are the one's in control of that part of our lives.. When we see change on meds but we have to remember understanding the moments throughout the day ADHD will control ur time.. I'm getting there but it's a constant struggle... No 2 days the same.. I hate myself I love myself.. Why did I do this and not that.. For me myself.. I'm trying one thing at a time slowly even when I need instant gratification... I tell myself this first it's time to change.. I don't wanta feel like that again.... We as having ADHD need to unlock that power we have hidden with in to be more than anyone could believe.. Plus I find this group to be up lifting... I've always been the person to stay away only needing myself I was wrong about that... Thank u for the post it made me see again that I wasn't alone.....
Check out Dr. Russell Barkley’s videos on YouTube. He’s the worlds foremost expert in ADHD and his videos have shed a lot of light into understanding the diagnosis, but also the impact in my life.
ADHD is just as impactful as a diagnosis of autism, but you wouldn’t know that by the name - ADHD. It also doesn’t help that it’s viewed as a little boy who can’t sit still disorder.
Please check out the videos and do what you have to to work on this. We didn’t choose to have ADHD, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have a choice in learning to live with it, whether that means medication, CBT, therapy, a combination of all of them, etc.
You absolutely are not alone. Hang in there and please don’t give up on yourself. It is never, ever too late to make a change. Yeah it sucks looking back at all the times it’s likely had a negative impact on your life, but look forward, deal with it head on. You can do this.
Btw, I looked up local CHADD support groups and found one by me that is meeting on zoom this Monday. It’s a start (along with this new medication, which is not working, but I will call to make a change).
What I’m trying to say is this. Don’t give up. Try, try, try. Make yourself a priority. Even if it means just making one appointment and following through.
My 31 year old daughter has ADHD, she was diagnosed at 26. ADHD is not addressed in the same way in the UK snd we have pretty much been left to our own devises. She has many of the issues that you listed and struggles on a daily basis but like you has achieved a great deal. She was offered medication once and didn’t like it. Since then she has embraced her ADHD and doesn’t want to” loose who she is” by taking or trying any other medications. She takes antidepressants for the anxiety it has left her with. Her life is not an easy one and dealing with her and the ADHD can be a challenge but we keep going. You know yourself, the way you function and the way you think. My daughter is late for everything, only does anything under pressure snd I know that somethings(like tidying up or doing the washing) is a complete waste of time trying to get them done, but somehow she gets there. She has a great deal of support and when her ADHD paddy’s occur, they are usually with family and I know how to deal with them. She has to let off steam sometimes. I’m just wondering if medication is always the answer as the side effects are not good. There is no reason for everything you have worked for to be lost. You are probably being very hard on yourself and something has knocked you off balance. With my daughter if a relationship is not going well it knocks her off balance so that she feels totally unsettled like everything is wrong buts it’s actually just one thing. Please don’t give up, you have ADHD and that’s a fact. As you say and as we have found with our daughter, it’s learning to accept it and live with it that has helped, and recognising what is the ADHD and what is an external factor causing upset that helps her navigate herself through each day.
I have gotten to this point over and over again in the past year or two. I push myself too hard for too long and eventually I crack. I feel like the world is coming to an end if something isn’t changed right at that very moment. The good news is that feeling doesn’t ever last for too long, but every time it comes back it hurts more and more. Takes away another piece of me each time. It’s a horrible, gut-wrenching, soul-crushing, and overall miserable experience to go through. Maybe my ADHD gives me the distractibility and forgetfulness to get over it relatively quickly (bc for me out of sight is out of mind).
When I do start picking myself back up, I do a lot of contemplating and planning on how I can possibly improve my situation, even just in the slightest. Since August, I have bought SO many different gadgets and tried SO many new strategies to improve my discomforts, fixations, fatigue, forgetfulness, and the fact that I basically have zero executive function whatsoever.
Some of the things I have tried to help with my symptoms are: bought small whiteboard to write three main tasks that I need to accomplish each day (helps to have a reminder right in front of my face or else I forget), bought fidget toys to keep my hands busy and distracted from my bad habits of picking at my hair and lips, bought some bullet journals to have somewhere to write down all the never-ending noise in my head (have yet to start using those), and I installed a timer app on my computer so I can stay aware of how much time is passing (oh and my computer yells what time it is at each hour, makes me jump every time).
Shame is a feeling I am so familiar with at this point. Usually I go through this same, never-ending cycle: procrastinate, push myself too hard to catch up, burn out, procrastinate more, fail (or do really badly according to my impossibly high standards, usually my college exams), start hating my own guts, getting depressed bc I feel like it’s never gonna change and my life is always gonna feel like I am sprinting while everyone else is walking, and I am still 10 steps behind. It sucks.
Recently I think I have come to somewhat of a realization about life. Life sucks, and this world we live in also sucks. And this is 10x harder for people with disabilities like ADHD. Because of this, the ONLY thing that matters is doing what makes YOU feel happy and satisfied and okay in the moment, and in the future. For me, this means that instead of putting myself through absolute HELL by setting my expectations too high (and consequently punishing myself relentlessly), I do the best that I can and if I have a bad day (or week), then that’s what I needed. Being less hard on myself has been liberating recently, and I am really hoping it can last.
Be less hard on yourself, life is hard, especially for people with ADHD. Set lower, and more manageable expectations (like only giving yourself 3 main things you plan to accomplish each day). Realize that the negative feelings that you have about yourself (especially after a really hard day), are JUST feelings, not the actual truth about who you are. Take on each day as the start of a new struggle, and look at each struggle one day at a time. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think about the rest of your struggles throughout the year or your whole life. Even though it feels like it’s never ever going to get better, that is NOT true. I know more than anyone that negative feelings always tend to feel like they will never go away. But they always go away eventually. It may take time, but they will. As long as you get up and try again each day, that is a success, and that is progress. You’ve got this. Let me know if you ever need anything, I am just one message away.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Today I’m struggling with ADHD and life 
Struggling with so much conflicting information about meds.
ADD meds dont help, struggling in life
I’m struggling a LOT
A Novel About My ADHD Story
