Struggling with my ADHD impact on partner?

[Lyssabear]

Hi there, I (31F) was diagnosed earlier this year with ADHD. It has been all of the emotions from happiness of making sense of my life and myself, to anger for how difficult things can be sometimes then to sadness for wishing I was neurotypical or wondering if some things in my life could have been different or better if I had received meds and therapy for my ADHD.

Now I am at the point where I am feeling guilty, nervous and disheartened with how my ADHD has impacted my relationship with my partner. We have been together for 4-years and he has been nothing but short of amazing to me. I feel A LOT of feelings and def leaned on him more than I should have and had emotional outbursts that I had no idea where they were coming from. COVID also did not help in the sense that we were ALWAYS together and we work together, in the same department, and I was drinking more.

It has all come to a head now and we are both taking space to work on ourselves and reconnect with ourselves. As I am reflecting and finally in therapy for my ADHD and attending support groups, I am connecting a lot of my negative behaviors (that I was unaware of) to my lack of controlling my ADHD symptoms.

Has anyone else felt like this and felt super guilty? What are some ways that you have learned to manage your ADHD when in a relationship with a non-ADHD partner?

[Gettingittogether]

Yes, ADHD is difficult for relationships, for sure. But can I step back here a second? I worry that you're wondering about the effect of ADHD on your partner as opposed to on you. I say focus your feelings of loss on your own life and your own dreams and goals and disappointments, not on your partner's pain.

Why are you prioritizing your partner's feelings? You had untreated ADHD, so of course, you would not be the easiest person in the world to deal with. So what?! In this case, it wasn't meanness or some personal flaw. So there is no need for all the guilt.

You have enough of a challenge to focus on moving forward, let alone worrying about feeling bad about the past. And you're only 31. It's not like you have been married and untreated for 30 years. That's different.

The best thing you can do is to keep going with treatment for your ADHD, and keep building your life. Therapy and support group work sounds absolutely fantastic. Congratulate yourself and congratulate yourself again and again. This should be your focus. You are doing what we want people to do with any condition: work to get the best treatment. Your partner--if they are worth keeping--will appreciate your growth and new behavior 1,000 x more than they will appreciate guilt-ridden apologies for the past. And you risk all this guilt interfering with the opportunity in front of you to shape your life.

And btw: you don't absolutely know that your past behavior was all ADHD. How we grow up in our families and how our families talk to each other--these also play a huge role. And to the extent the behaviors are ADHD related, you aren't done with them yet--even with great treatment. So you want a forgiving attitude towards the condition. You do want to learn to identify when you have lashed out at your partner and then to quickly "repair" things by apologizing--but without shame, which I worry you might have (I had tons of shame).

You also want to learn to walk away when you notice you are quickly getting upset in an argument. You can google and find all kinds of steps and wording to use. "I need a 30 minute break. I'll be back and I'll be able to better respond then."

I'm speaking as someone who thought ADHD explained all my relationship struggles only to learn that I had a bunch of dysfunctional behaviors and habits in relationship that didn't necessarily have to do with ADHD. And then, kaboom! Actually there was major, devastating, unthinkable trauma in my family and I completely missed that. The good news was that my ADHD treatment slowed down my thinking enough and therapy helped me get sharp enough and strong enough to see the trauma that was basically at the center of our family's dynamics when growing up.

My point is you're just starting with treatment. You probably have other stuff--MAJOR other stuff--that led you to lash out at your partner. You have other stuff AND ADHD most likely. But if you do the self-blame thing, you will cut short your journey towards really understanding yourself.

If your partner has stayed with you, that means that despite all your "stuff," you apparently have many great qualities. OK, so let's focus on those great qualities that made it worth your partner's while to stay with you. You need that kind of positive emphasis to go forward. I'm tempted to ask you to identify those great qualities here. Your partner isn't just some saintly martyr. They stayed because they saw and still see great qualities in you. That's the way the world works.

I suggest in therapy that you probe all this guilt. I was raised in a family where we felt shame and severe guilt first .. and then only later did we THINK about what happened--but only superficially. I got to the work world and I'm feeling guilty over the dumbest things at work. I had to have coworkers and friends help me retrain my mind. I was feeling guilty over minor things--guilt at the level that should be reserved for physically harming someone. That's why I'm harping on your guilt and regret feelings. Feel those about your own life! Feel that sadness and regret about how the condition interfered with YOUR ability to enjoy time with your partner.

Question: are you getting meds treatment? And say more about your life goals, career goals or school goals. I'd love to hear more about these. Getting razzed up about our goals is a great focus to have.

[pieceofmine in reply to Gettingittogether]

According to you , she should stay single. Just because we have an illness do not give us a blanket pass, to treat people unkind and horrible. If she do not care or show her partner empty, then she should leave. According to you he shouldn't have empty for her either.

[Lyssabear in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thank you for this response as it is the exact statements and perspective I need to snap me back into a better frame of mind. You're right that I should be worrying about my own feelings and this is something I am working on in therapy is not doing things to "fix" the other persons woes, issues or negative thoughts. Same thing with the family stuff, I was raised to share my feelings and even if we can get mad at one another, we come together and still love one another. There's more dysfunction there but me learning to have more of a filter is necessary. And yes, shame and guilt are something that was always present in my family and we showed that as a means of apology.

I am on meds! I take 20mg of Adderall XR, 150mg of Zoloft (major depressive disorder) and 300 XR Wellbutrin. My meds doc and I are waiting until March of 2022 to start weaning me off of my Zoloft once we know my moods have stabilized.

Actually, my goals and career are in a wonderful place because I think that is a place I channel my anxiety and hyperfocus and can control it, for the most part. I just received an internal promotion to be the director of learning and education for the entire company which is #1 in it's industry and worldwide. I am SO excited for this direction of my career! I have my masters in organizational development and change and I LOVE it as well. I am currently working on my doctorate in it as well. Right now, my life goals are to become more accepting and loving of myself. I am focusing on identifying who I am in life right now and what I value. I am also completely changing up my wardrobe (with this promotion) so that has been nice to occupy me as well. I also am not drinking and have been sober for about a month now and have felt great, there! How about yourself?

[pragman]

Not everything in a relationship has to be equal and that's ok, as long as both of you accept it for what it is.... Try to work on your own unique balance. For me, understanding that i have ADHD has helped my partner understand my limitations, and we are finding ways to deal with it. For her, it has been a huge relief understanding that I wasnt intentionally avoiding stuff. So with that it of the way, things are falling in place nicely.

[Lyssabear in reply to pragman]

Well said! Appreciate your feedback.

[harriet09]

Sure, it's important to focus on ourselves, and it sounds like you're doing that. Your post was about an aspect of how ADHD affected you and your life - something important to you - your partner. I can relate to this. My partner and I have separated this year due to a difference in wanting kids, and I think a difference of depth of connection we desire. But as I've been learning more about ADHD in me, I do see things that were hard on him. I recognized them before, like how sensitive I am, how forgetful, that he had to pick up a lot of slack/take the lead on things where I couldn't pull it together. And he was great. And it probably still wore on him, and I do feel bad. So I hear you.

A book I just got has a great section on this! Check out Sari Solden's "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder" -- chapters 21, 22 and 23 touch on all of this! And the other chapters I have read so far are really great. This author also has a workbook called "A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD" that is also good, but more of an emotional exercise or processing helper where I think the firsts book I mentioned has seemed to have more *information* if that makes sense.