Losing My Self

[Mille_5]

I haven’t quite felt like myself lately. Basically since I came home from college, because of coven 19, it has felt almost like I am teetering on an edge. I am trying hard to cope with my new normal and make the most of it but it has not been easy. I struggle in every day to day activity and have no routine really. It has almost been like I am in overdrive all of the time. I am worried that I will crash or just run out of steam. I just feel like I am not myself when I was at college I am more childish in my actions and I think that is a bit of defense mechanism because I am struggling to process everything going on. By making it seem less real it is easier for me to manage. I know my parents are frustrated and I am really trying to control myself but it has been a real struggle. It is like everything I learned over the past 15 years about myself and self control has gone out the window. I just want to be back to feeling like myself again. Does anyone have suggestions for getting back some control under these times of quarantine and uncertainty?

[RenewedAt42]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling, but very happy that you are still reaching out to us for support. It sounds like you were able to let go and not feel as much pressure about being judged when you were at school, and now at home you feel that you are not fitting into the behaviors that your parents expect from you. Maybe you could have a conversation with them or even write down your feelings and ask them to read it. As crazy as it sounds, I still feel that way at times and am in my 40's. Not feeling like you can be yourself can quickly become a stressful and cause anxiety.

It is very possible that your parents are not judging you as much as your brain is telling you they are. Once self doubt creeps in, it starts to tell us lots of mean things- try to stay aware of what thoughts are going through your mind about yourself. Then remind yourself of all you have accomplished and how strong you are. Stumbling a little when things get hard is a human trait (even for non-ADHD) and is not a sign of weakness.

To help with routine, now that school is going to be wrapping up, can you find a part time job or scheduled volunteer activity for the summer? Too much free time and lack of feeling a purpose is no good for the ADHD brain. It may take some creative thinking to find something that fits into your comfort level of contact with the public, but many delivery places and grocery stores are hiring- perhaps there is one in your area that you would feel safe looking into. Fast food is pretty limited in contact as well. This could give you a good break each day from your family, get you on a schedule/routine, and help you create a new normal until it is time for school to start up again. Keep us updated and keep reaching out! We will all get through this together

[Mille_5 in reply to RenewedAt42]

Thank you so much for the reassurance. I had an internship originally but it was cancelled because of Covid I plan to try and find a job if I can. I am so glad I found this group and feel like I have people I can ask for advise. No one in my family has ADHD so I never have anyone to talk to about it besides when I see my doctor.

[amills277]

I can sympathize. :/ when COVID-19 hit here, my oldest child (hereditary ADHD from me) was ripped out of school with no closure and my entire routine was upended. While it wasn't exactly a set time every day, we had a semblance of one we followed.

Add depression and anxiety into the mix, and things got dark there for a little while. If you don't already, I would highly recommend going for a brisk walk (if you are able to) or doing some sort of workout like dance fitness (i.e. Zumba, Dance Fitness with Jessica (she's on Youtube)) or something like Yoga (I hate Yoga, honestly, because it is such slow pace. I know others who have benefitted from it though).

I also want to say kudos for even talking about it though. I believe sometimes those who struggle with ADHD are taught by society that there is something wrong with us because we do not process things the same way. It's really hard for those on the outside looking in to understand where we are coming from and how our brains function and cope with outside events.

This pandemic and all the turmoil it has caused has put a real stressor on those of us with ADHD who need a predictable routine. School gave you that. Along with the exercise, I would also suggest coming up with a new routine. Maybe there's a way to take a free class online or learn something like a new skill/hobby. Just something to keep the mind occupied.

Thinking of you during this and if you need to continue reaching out, there are people here for you.

[Mille_5 in reply to amills277]

Thank you. Sometimes it is just nice to know you are not the only one. It is funny that after posting this I started to feel a bit calmer again.

[Hidden]

Hi Mille_5. I have a suggestion. When you feel like you're in overdrive, take a moment, and a deep breath, and focus on how your feet feel when planted on the ground. Just feel your feet... give it a few seconds. Do that when-ever you notice your mind racing.

When I feel like you've described, I'm over-stimulated and I have to "take it down a notch" by taking a pause. That pause is very helpful to me... it gives me that split second between stimulus and response I need to prevent impulsive action.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Mille_5 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the suggestion. I will give this a try.