I can’t stand up for myself at work and it’s getting me down

[Holly75]

I am mid forties with a good job that I enjoy. However I feel like a child at work at times. I have no self-confidence around senior management, I get so nervous around them and my words come out all jumbled and I feel they must think I’m stupid and have poor communication skills.

I know I am not stupid, I have a university degree and am a quick learner but I just find I work so much better on my own, in my own little zone. I have no problem communicating with my husband, kids or colleagues apart from the senior ones.

My role is developing and my manager wants me to raise my profile but I just don’t know how to do this when I find certain people hard to talk to.

I can be very sensitive too. Today something happened at work and a senior manager spoke to me in a terribly arrogant and rude manner. I didn’t know what to say or do, my words all came out-in a jumble and he made me look stupid. I was so upset, I went to the toilet and cried and cried. If that had been my colleague she would not have stood for being spoken to like that by anyone, in fact I doubt he would have spoken to her like that in the first place! She oozes confidence that says ‘don’t talk to me like that’!

How do you be like that? I don’t want to be treated like a child, patronised or spoken down to or be afraid to speak or voice my opinions. I am a wife and mother and have travelled the world on my own for goodness sake! I should be able to do this but i can’t seem to.

Can anyone empathise or offer advice please. I’m really really upset and annoyed at myself for letting him speak to me like that and not standing up for myself. I feel useless.

[Maylea0521]

That happens to me all of the time. Keeps me from promotions. Sometimes I feel like I am mentally disabled. It’s heartbreaking.

[Holly75 in reply to Maylea0521]

I wonder if it’s possible to change. I’ve tried coaching and courses but still just can’t seem to assert myself well with senior people.

[Maylea0521]

Hi Holly,

Please see my post from Maylea0521 you are not alone.

[AZ00]

Hi Holly,

I totally empathize with your situation and have just gone through a similar situation with a new, very demanding boss. I don't think well on my feet or in the moment so important points may be missed. After the fact, I do follow up with a well-written email to reset and clear any misunderstanding.

Hope things are better for you soon.

Take care.

[Holly75 in reply to AZ00]

I am so much better at written communication, in fact I really enjoy communicating in this way and think I can assert myself in ways that I find so difficult face to face. I’ve had coaching, been on ‘assertiveness’ courses at work but I still find it hard to deal with senior managers without being a nervous jumble. Funny thing is I am not like it at home and have no trouble asserting myself with my husband and children!!

[SpringsMarty]

I admire your self-awareness. Toastmasters has done wonders for me.

[Holly75 in reply to SpringsMarty]

Thank you what is Toastmasters?

[SpringsMarty in reply to Holly75]

It is a non-profit organization that builds skills with confidence, public speaking, and leadership. Clubs exist across the world. toastmasters.org

[Saf78]

I understand! I was just let go of my job for the same reason. And I've been doing this for 15yrs.

It broke my heart. I have C-PTSD. It goes back to innerchild wounds. I'm going to look into EMDR or Trauma therapy. Good luck!

[Southernrn]

Hi Holly,

I will start by saying you are not alone in feeling that way! I will also say that I used to be someone, who was so anxious and timid to talk to people, that I would physically be ill before going to a class in college. Now, I am probably one of the most outspoken individuals you will ever meet. I have a couple pieces of advice that worked for me:

1. Remember that anyone yelling at you to belittle you probably has to ask their spouse for permission to use the restroom at home- they just want to feel in charge at work.

2. Talk with as many random people as you can and speak in front of larger groups every chance you get. It’s awkward at first, but really helps reduce the jumbled words in other situations when you are nervous.

3. Before replying to something they say, take a deep breath and then speak because it gives you a few seconds to form your thoughts and state your feelings clearly.

AND....

4. Remember that no one on this earth is better than the person next to them, regardless of position. Everyone deserves respect.

I’m not saying my thought process on it is the best, but it made me comfortable speaking up for myself and being confident at work! I hope it helps!

[hikergirl33]

I so relate to this and i am so sorry this happened to u I was just telling my husband this last night. I feel walked on a lot and have a hard time saying no to people at work. I hate getting put on the spot because i cant think of my words fast. I think the ticket is to come up with boundaries and to be able to recognize what your boundaries are. And to practice. Sometimes I practice asserting myself in non heated places like the grocery store. I will say no and not say sorry if my grocery cart meets someone elses, etc. ( i know u said you just have a problem at work and not any where else?) I work in the medical field and have been in situations like yours so often. So i learned if i get put on the spot or someone is yelling...I PAUSE and REMOVE MYSELF. You dont have to give an explanation. Just practice saying, "can you give me a minute". Easy to memorize and use and you dont have to think of a bunch of words. Then go to the bathroom take deep breaths and think about how to handle it. And don't be afraid to interrupt them yelling at you. You can even say "excuse me i have to go to the bathroom". They wont argue with that lol. Creating space gives you time to think and calm down. I bet you are an amazing employee, wife, mother! You r raising/raised tiny humans and thats amazing!

[QuirkyCookie]

That used to happen to me, too. My mom, who is a nurse often dealing with egotistical doctors, always told me growing up, "We all put our pants on the same way." That was the mindset she used to help her not let doctors intimidate her at work. It finally sank into my brain as an adult. It has helped me navigate the world of intimidating people who think that just because they hold a high position they're somehow superior to you as a human. Please note, I don't think all doctors have large egos. I've found most doctors to be kind, empathetic people. I think there were just a few my mom had to work with on a regular basis that drove her bonkers Anyway, maybe repeating this to yourself on a regular basis, kind of like a mantra, would help. *We all put our pants on the same way* Sometimes I would even visualize an intimidating person putting pants on hahaha!! It worked for me!

[Rocksmack]

I have the same issue fumbling over my words, brain goes to fast for my mouth and I lack a filter between brain and mouth. I also lose my vocabulary from time to time. I am 45 but occasionally have the word recall of a much older person. I used to get self conscious about it worrying everybody thought I was dumb. I have three degrees and work in a nerd rich environment.

My solution was to tell myself F...it. nobody is smarter than me and if they are and call me dumb I am bigger an will smash them. Obviously that is just in my head, it makes me th8nk of hulk smash which I find funny. I no longer try to hide or minimize when I fumble while talking or forget word. If I fumble or studded I draw it out make Elmer fudd noises then say I used to be able to speak English give me a second and I'll see if I can remember how to talk. People usually laugh, I am a jokester anyways, or they seem not to notice the fumble because I confidently say something or make f7n of myself first. Sometimes people will say I hate it when that happens to me, or nice way to keep rolling, talking, briefing. Part of my job is to stand in front of important people and brief them on important and sometimes technical topics.

If I forget the word I want or lose my vocabulary. I say something like I used to have a vocabulary guess I am getting old or got hit in the head too many times. Then I try restating the sentence hoping I remember what I was talking about or somebody figures out the word I was trying to say and reminds me. I sometimes say something like winner or bingo depending on the crowd.

Basically I came to realize everybody makes the same errors and has the same worries. I accepted that fact and chose to attack or make light of my mistakes.

[Bilby_G]

I have exactly this problem too. I so relate and emphathise.

Its like the bullies sus me out as the easy target. Lately when I get out of the lift in the morning deliberately walking with largish strides holding my head up as I walk down the walkway to my desk saying to myself that I'm worth it and just as valuable and as much as a person than anyone else.

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

When I am very stressed with confrontation, either by a partner but most frequently when talking with a manager, my brain shuts down. Unrelated to that, it was recommended that I talk with the trauma therapist. In trying to work on myself, I found this book, and that explains that this is a sort of trauma reaction. It's well written and backed with research. I'm listening to it for free with the Libby app and my library card. I highly recommend it. I'm only about an hour and a half in, but it's been very illuminating.

It Didn't Start With You By Mark Wolynn

[BluebirdAbove in reply to F_RN_Dx_at_39]

thanks for this book recommendation. I just started listening & finding it helpful too!