Hi everyone, this may be long so thanks for reading. I have always been a very dreamy kid, with low self esteem and a habit of binge eating whenever stressed. It’s a habit for me since I was a kid to work really hard for everything, extra hard, my mom always tells me “ why can’t you be normal”, I have tried and tried and tried but I just can’t. I’ll always be slower in doing chores, I’ll always do dump stuff while doing stuff around the house, even if it’s common sense. My Brian just stops and I am on autopilot so I am not really aware of what I am doing. She’ll yell at me for not focusing in class, for sleeping even though I have slept for 10 hours that night. I try to tell her that I try my best to focus, but if I am bored it’s almost impossible to do so, and so if I am not drawing because teachers are stopping me, I’ll definitely sleep no matter how hard I try not. I finally learned to compensate for my lack of attention by learning stuff myself since I’ll be busy doing all the work and solving everything before hand. It was a good strategy in school, and I got a 96% in my senior year meaning I can enter medical school. I raised my math marks and physics marks from the 70% even though I studied a lot, to the 90%s using this strategy, in one year of course.
However now in medical school, the amount of information and studying I have to do does not allow me to prepare things before hand, meaning that I don’t have time to learn everything from scratch on my own like I used to do, I barely have time to learn it from teachers. So, sleeping in class is affecting me terribly, I want to focus, I shake my head in class, pinch my skin repeatedly, sometimes even slap myself softly, and I still sleep. I try to watch the records after class, but even if I am writing notes, I sleep through it. I tell everyone about this problem, no one seems to have it. I also make terrible mistakes every. Single. Exam. It makes me want to pull my hair out quite literally. I’ll forget to copy a circle, even though I checked I copied them all twice, I’ll still forget a circle. I’ll copy circles wrong, I’ll copy the answer from my calculator to my paper wrong, I’ll read and understand the questions in a completely weird way, I’ll not see full questions even after I double check, I’ll forget parts of the questions while I am answering the questions and I won’t even notice because my Brian fills in the info automatically I don’t even know how, After rereading the questions I’ll read it with the info my Brian made up. It’s not just once, or twice or even ten times. This happens every time, and all my efforts goes to waste. You know what this leads to, binge eating. Back in 2020 I lost weight and weighed 47 now I weigh 58, even though I try my best to cut portions, I tend to over do it on sweets to manage the stress, and I can’t say no to 3 in one coffee and iced coffee. I don’t have time to work out, and even when I do allí want is to sit and play on my mobile or read a book. I don’t have enough energy
I am always tired, and I can’t work or study without music , or I’ll cry and break down because there is nothing to drown my thoughts. They don’t stop. They never stop. Sometimes I pull my hair and scratch myself just to stop, especially when I am angry. I’ll always get too emotional in a conflict and hurt people with what I say, I blank out, sometimes they tell me I told them stuff I don’t remember saying.
I can’t hold anything without losing it, everything is always lost. Any area I sit in turns messy, I can’t keep stuff organized for long, I’ll forget the class I have in the evening, even though I keep reminding myself about it, five minutes before it someone will tell me to do something and then I’ll forget the whole meeting, even when I put alarms I’ll forget what they are for. It’s frustrating. I hate the fact that everyone seems very confident with their memory, when you ask them they answer with confidence. When people ask me, I answer them, and even if I am pretty sure I am right, I’ll still have doubts and make a joke about how I am never sure about anything. I hate the feeling. I hate my insecurities. Right now i was about to write something and forgot it because someone interrupted me. Sometimes I get surprised when I look in the mirror, I don’t have a clear look of how I look but it’s not what I see in the mirror. I managed to scrap a 3.77 gpa in the first semester, but I can’t do it anymore. I am tired of having to do twice the effort for everything. Yet I need to get the scholarship that requires a gpa above 3.65
After this, and after discussing if I have shown this behavior my whole life, it seems I have always been like this. But now it’s more obvious because of the stress. I want to be able to look people in the eye and speak a full story without blanking out suddenly. I want to feel like am enough, but I am always too slow, too messy, too tardy, too everything.
I believe I have adhd after a lot of research and tests and asking people about my behavior. Yet I live in an area where you literally can’t find a single therapist, all around the city, I am living in one of the biggest btw. And online therapy is too expensive when weighed with the wages here, even the “cheap” ones. How can I get help? And do you have any advice other than focus and set a schedule?
sorry this was very long
The Never-ending Cycle — Impulsivity and Regret
How do I stop wasting away? 
Maybe I don’t know
I’m struggling a LOT
