Hi everyone, this may be long so thanks for reading. I have always been a very dreamy kid, with low self esteem and a habit of binge eating whenever stressed. It’s a habit for me since I was a kid to work really hard for everything, extra hard, my mom always tells me “ why can’t you be normal”, I have tried and tried and tried but I just can’t. I’ll always be slower in doing chores, I’ll always do dump stuff while doing stuff around the house, even if it’s common sense. My Brian just stops and I am on autopilot so I am not really aware of what I am doing. She’ll yell at me for not focusing in class, for sleeping even though I have slept for 10 hours that night. I try to tell her that I try my best to focus, but if I am bored it’s almost impossible to do so, and so if I am not drawing because teachers are stopping me, I’ll definitely sleep no matter how hard I try not. I finally learned to compensate for my lack of attention by learning stuff myself since I’ll be busy doing all the work and solving everything before hand. It was a good strategy in school, and I got a 96% in my senior year meaning I can enter medical school. I raised my math marks and physics marks from the 70% even though I studied a lot, to the 90%s using this strategy, in one year of course.
However now in medical school, the amount of information and studying I have to do does not allow me to prepare things before hand, meaning that I don’t have time to learn everything from scratch on my own like I used to do, I barely have time to learn it from teachers. So, sleeping in class is affecting me terribly, I want to focus, I shake my head in class, pinch my skin repeatedly, sometimes even slap myself softly, and I still sleep. I try to watch the records after class, but even if I am writing notes, I sleep through it. I tell everyone about this problem, no one seems to have it. I also make terrible mistakes every. Single. Exam. It makes me want to pull my hair out quite literally. I’ll forget to copy a circle, even though I checked I copied them all twice, I’ll still forget a circle. I’ll copy circles wrong, I’ll copy the answer from my calculator to my paper wrong, I’ll read and understand the questions in a completely weird way, I’ll not see full questions even after I double check, I’ll forget parts of the questions while I am answering the questions and I won’t even notice because my Brian fills in the info automatically I don’t even know how, After rereading the questions I’ll read it with the info my Brian made up. It’s not just once, or twice or even ten times. This happens every time, and all my efforts goes to waste. You know what this leads to, binge eating. Back in 2020 I lost weight and weighed 47 now I weigh 58, even though I try my best to cut portions, I tend to over do it on sweets to manage the stress, and I can’t say no to 3 in one coffee and iced coffee. I don’t have time to work out, and even when I do allí want is to sit and play on my mobile or read a book. I don’t have enough energy
I am always tired, and I can’t work or study without music , or I’ll cry and break down because there is nothing to drown my thoughts. They don’t stop. They never stop. Sometimes I pull my hair and scratch myself just to stop, especially when I am angry. I’ll always get too emotional in a conflict and hurt people with what I say, I blank out, sometimes they tell me I told them stuff I don’t remember saying.
I can’t hold anything without losing it, everything is always lost. Any area I sit in turns messy, I can’t keep stuff organized for long, I’ll forget the class I have in the evening, even though I keep reminding myself about it, five minutes before it someone will tell me to do something and then I’ll forget the whole meeting, even when I put alarms I’ll forget what they are for. It’s frustrating. I hate the fact that everyone seems very confident with their memory, when you ask them they answer with confidence. When people ask me, I answer them, and even if I am pretty sure I am right, I’ll still have doubts and make a joke about how I am never sure about anything. I hate the feeling. I hate my insecurities. Right now i was about to write something and forgot it because someone interrupted me. Sometimes I get surprised when I look in the mirror, I don’t have a clear look of how I look but it’s not what I see in the mirror. I managed to scrap a 3.77 gpa in the first semester, but I can’t do it anymore. I am tired of having to do twice the effort for everything. Yet I need to get the scholarship that requires a gpa above 3.65
After this, and after discussing if I have shown this behavior my whole life, it seems I have always been like this. But now it’s more obvious because of the stress. I want to be able to look people in the eye and speak a full story without blanking out suddenly. I want to feel like am enough, but I am always too slow, too messy, too tardy, too everything.
I believe I have adhd after a lot of research and tests and asking people about my behavior. Yet I live in an area where you literally can’t find a single therapist, all around the city, I am living in one of the biggest btw. And online therapy is too expensive when weighed with the wages here, even the “cheap” ones. How can I get help? And do you have any advice other than focus and set a schedule?
sorry this was very long
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BurntoutMedc_Student
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I would go tell the most sympathetic looking professor you encounter. You cannot fake this much longer. So might as well go authentic.
Do you have a general practitioner you go to? You can tell that person. GP's (family doctors) prescribe most antidepressants and a good deal of ADHD meds.
You also need to take advantage of university study help and tutoring help. Start with a professor and start with a family practitioner. Look, you can't NOT afford to go. Who can you ask for money for therapy? Your life depends on it. Can you borrow more? I hate to say that, but this condition will disrupt your career and life if not treated aggressively.
Unfortunately, the healthcare system here is barely functional, many doctor specialties are not available and you have to travel to get treatment. We don’t have family doctors, yes the system is a mess. I will try to explore further the support that my uni may offer. We do have a professor that teaches psychology that students usually seek out if they feel mentally unwell (depressed, anxious etc.),if I recall correctly, can he legally give a diagnosis though? I will try discussing with my parents if they are willing to help me, however, unfortunately in my society mental health is a huge stigma. I will try my luck though.
Thank you for taking the time to read and answer my question, I really appreciate it!
With such high demands, it's easy to see that you are stressed, and stress builds up into anxiety. For me, anxiety makes my ADHD symptoms worse...it becomes even harder than normal to focus.
I've found some simple things to be very helpful. First, self-acceptance... acknowledge your limitations, and accept that they are a part of you. Don't fight them, because they are a part of you...so practice self-love.
That doesn't mean that you just give up on life and on your dreams...it means that you open up to the idea that the way other people do things won't work the same for you.
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To help reduce stress and anxiety, I have learned to use mindfulness meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) "grounding" techniques. Breath control is one of the simplest forms of mindfulness. An easy technique to start with is "Box Breathing": breathe in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, breathe our for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, ... (repeat this a few times). You can change it up, for variety, to suit your needs. (e.g. 5 second counts, or longer exhale than inhale, etc.)
When I am really stuck in my head with intrusive thinking, I use a grounding technique. One that I learned a long time ago is called "progressive relaxation" (I haven't used it as much as I should): there should be lots of good tutorials for this online...the idea is to focus on relaxing your body, one part at a time. Another grounding technique which has helped me a lot in recent years is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: look around and name 5 things that you can see, then listen and name 4 things you can hear, then name 3 things you can feel, then 2 things you can smell, then one thing you can taste. (Change it up, to suit yourself.) youtu.be/WpdQnyo4CUA
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The idea to do studying ahead of the class is a great one, but since you don't have time to do it as before, you might have to just go over the main points. This should at least prepare your mind to fill in the details during your classroom lectures, labs, and other study sessions.
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Many people have found it helpful to be part of a study group. The work method is "body-doubling" is similar in effect, helping you to be more productive by working along with someone else (even if you're not doing the same thing).
It can also be helpful to associate certain places with certain activities...like studying at the library for a set time after a particular class.
Yeah, I was an emotional mess and in a middle of breakdown when I wrote this 😅 thank you for taking the time to read and decipher it. After trying the techniques, I have found that the 4 second breathing techniques works really well, it feels like for seconds your heart is little lighter and helps with calming down.
I have tried the group studying technique, unfortunately it didn’t work out too well, I just ended up getting everyone distracted and chatty along with me.
As for looking over the lecture before hand, I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to me,but now that you mentioned it, it seems like a great idea and I will hopefully try it.
I’m a physician. I’m wondering if you have other career or academic options, or if you could take a semester off to work and think about if medicine is a good fit for you. I am saying this out of compassion because medical training (hospital clerkships and what is called residency training in the US) requires working incredibly long hours under stressful conditions and with little to no sleep. I’m wondering if maybe a different helping profession might be a better fit for you, or if taking time off to get a learning evaluation is an option? I think you are trying to do a very difficult career with the possibility of a treatable but undiagnosed condition. If you could get it diagnosed and treated, and work on your time management and organization skills, you could return to medical school in a stronger position.
The thing is…. I am going to have to give some cultural background to help understand the situation better. In my culture, women especially don’t get to move out of their parents house, and their parents tend to pay their uni expenses, since unis are a lot less expensive than in the west, and since we don’t have student loans. So I am absolutely financially dependent on them until I graduate, even if I manage to get the money to at least book an online appointment, which I have secured btw. I still won’t be allowed to spend it on therapy unless they agree. I have tried to convince my mom to let me attend a diagnostic session, but she has a fear of all these stuff, and thinks medication will just make me a blanked out zombie. She tells me just to ignore the symptoms? That if I focus on them they will only increase? I do try to ignore them, before it was easy, now it’s impossible. I have been talking to her about this issue for 3 years now, I made her watch educational videos, we figured that my brother also has ADHD and it shows as impulsivity and hyperactivity, my other siblings seem to be normal though. She doesn’t want to seek treatment. Even though she keeps on nagging daily that I have some mental problem, that she doesn’t understand how it developed and how even as a child I always seemed to be way too insecure and sensitive, that I have no reason to be unwell. I feel like she is in denial. I understand from her point of view, having her daughter and son be diagnosed with a life long problem, with no magical cure, is scary. But, ignoring the problem won’t solve it.
PS I don’t mean to sound unsupportive. I just don’t want you to keep working so hard in something that might not be a good fit. Medicine unfortunately doesn’t get easier after you finish training. It’s a demanding career and is honestly not for everyone. I often think I should have considered other fields before committing to it. And you really have little flexibility once you’re in it. You can’t easily switch careers. So please be kind to yourself. You do not owe anyone anything—-it is your life and be sure you really want to work this hard long term. You can help people in many ways—-my children have autism, & if I had understood what a difference speech & occupational therapists made in kids’ lives, I would have seriously considered doing that instead. Great hours, no call, no emergencies, no risk of catching diseases, etc.
No matter how hard I try to think of other careers that may be suitable for me, I can’t find something else that I am truly passionate about. Ik it comes with hardships, but Ik that if I get the proper care I need, I can excel in it. Also, it wasn’t pressure from parents that got me in, my mom quite opposes of me getting into medicine, because she want me to get a normal life, to graduate early, get married and have children. She hasn’t been supportive in it, and quite basically is making it harder, because she wants me to be more socially active, have more confidence and lose weight. I am a very social in my environment and quite popular, even ran for President for my uni year, and all sort of other social events. But she doesn’t see that, she only see’s how I act around her family, and I act that way because I don’t like them, and because they are highly judgmental. So, social pressure isn’t the factor here, it’s just that little me had a lot of health conditions that weren’t common back in the time (Severe allergies to tons of stuff, which caused a lot of problems, many have disappeared now, and other problems) . So I am working not only to help people, but for my little self too. I also like a good challenge, and believe that if I go into an easier speciality, I won’t have satisfied my inner need to test my limits.
Sorry all my replies are long, but I have alot going on and I don’t know how to summarize it better.
Last thought—-PLEASE see your doctor & ask if you can see a sleep specialist. I think someone might need to evaluate you for a sleep disorder, unless you’re just obviously not getting enough sleep. I mean things like narcolepsy, cataplexy, etc. What you’re describing about your level of daytime sleepiness is very abnormal & I don’t think it’s just from being a student, unless you’re truly never sleeping.
Also, sleep apnea. I asked to be tested because nobody ever suggested it, and I have a severe case! With CPAP I no longer need naps and can stay alert all day.
As for the sleep problem, it’s not that I am sleepy. Before the class I am very awake, even loud and very talkative. And as soon as the class over, I go back to being my jumpy self, jumping from a person to another to ask stuff and chat. It’s just during class that I feel utterly sleepy and unable to stay awake. I also do manage to have a healthy schedule most of the time (unless I have exams). If the lecture is about a certain subject that I am deeply interested in, or if the lecture reaches a point where it’s talking about something I am genuinely curious about, I directly stop being sleepy and drowsy, it’s just a boredom problem. I just can’t deal with boredom that well. I can’t get myself to focus on something that I don’t like or see as relevant. I think you know very well that medicine comes along with a lot of useless boring subjects, like histology and biochemistry, with lots of tiny details and many useless info, which bores the life out of me.
there should be consultancy services for students in the medical school you are going to, they may be able to secure an appointment with a specialist for you in another university (that can be less expensive) or city. I very much recognise what you are explaining about trying twice to make up for the lack of attention.
Where are you exactly? I haven't been diagnosed yet. I'm currently on a waiting list. I'm in the US (Midland MI), and your symptoms are more severe than mine, but from your description you seem to have a lot of inattentive/distractible symptoms. I don't know about impulsivity...
As for me, I always had trouble following through things, but I seem to fall in the combination hyperactive/impulsivity and inattentive type and I'm in my 60's (almost 64). Try to hang in there. I'm pulling for you and I'm sure a lot of others are as well. I hope you can find someone who is sympathetic.
The ADHD organization called ADD.org has about 20 different online virtual groups (ZOOM) on various aspects of adhd. You must join the org first (which is somewhere less than $20 one time fee), then all the groups are free. They are very helpful and you will find you've met your tribe. You definitely have adhd based on your descriptions. You should get diagnosed so you can be prescribed meds that help increase focus and reduce distractions. You are far from alone.being amongst peers is so refreshing.good luck.
Hip hop. And release that blockage. Get in the hot tub or any body of water. Put your head under while on your back. Start boxed breathing 1234, breath in. 1234 hold 1234 breathe out thru mouth. 1234 hold. Tap your fingers while doing so. Helps connect mind and body. Continue this while meditating about your garden or whatever your happy place is.
You may be experiencing ptsd from undiagnosed adhd too. I do parts work. Like a part could be the kid who wanted to scream fuck you ma! I'm doing the best i can. Wtf you want from n****
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