Is there a checklist for repairing family relationships destroyed by ADHD?

[lowell1]

I've come to realize the destruction ADHD caused my relationships with family members. I take full responsibility for my actions, and am working hard to minimize ADHD's influence. How can I help them understand how ADHD makes good people seem crazy?

[Maltesedoggies]

Lowell1,

Just by taking responsibility is the best place to start and you have already done this. Read my post to understand more of what I am saying if you want. Talk to them. Be honest and pull all the clean and dirty laundry out. My husband has alienated his grown children by other marriages due to his actions. He could change this but has not made any effort. You can change this and if you do not get the response you hoped for, you have done what you needed to do. You need to move forward rebuilding you.

I (me, non-ADHD) am now going through a divorce (his choice because I told him I was done unless he got help). My soon to be X spouse who has ADHD has throughout our short term marriage was scanning women on the internet, which eventuality lead to more online conversation between the two until the person would move on or he would find someone else. He was very good keeping this silent until I saw text coming through on his phone which when I started confronting him would only anger him and I was the blame. I would put a stop to it and more calls would show up. This behavior was as if he needed to blame someone and he couldn't help himself. We separated for almost 5 weeks and within 4 months he was back to the same internet surfing women on dating sites.

I wish I knew more before entering the relationship so late in life with him and his denial. Anyone who knows him would say he is a good man because he is clever and has devised ways to hide it. Not understanding the dynamics of just how many and how much medicine he was taking was not brought to light until I started asking the questions. He was not honest with me but there was something not right as I saw him struggle with mundane task I would ask him to do. We both work full time jobs but when I was ending my day (after dinner and cleaning the kitchen) he would kick it up a notch. I would get ready for bed and he would be engaged in FB or reading stuff that interest him on the internet never getting to bed until 2-3 in the morning just to get up at 7 to get ready for work. The more I was around him, the more I did not understand why he did or did not do things whether it was work related or when he was home. He was not lazy just put everything off until I would get tired of things not being done and do it myself. This seemed fine with him always telling me how hard he worked and was tired always comparing my desk job to his manual labor job. Sad huh? I never ask him to do anything I was not willing to do myself but this was not how his thought process came through.

After a year of marriage, I started going with him to his doctors appointments. It was then I found out he was ADHA/mania. What did this mean? I had no idea but he was not telling his doctors the truth either which was leading him down a path I am not even sure he understood. His psychiatric doctor and I talked several times after we met and he told me my husband should be hospitalized so he could be evaluated and if he wouldn't admit himself, I could do it. I couldn't do this. I was already being blamed for his needing attention by other women and in doing so would only escalate his denial. Changing his medicines did help but he was determined changing his sleep meds was not going to happen even if he needed to change doctors. As the months went by he went back to self medicating himself taking what he needed when he wanted. There is so much more but if he open to understanding and we actually worked on the problems this was causing, we would be together today. I could no longer be worried when the next shoe would fall. This is not everyone's story but it is mine. He is in denial and until he sees the path of destruction by unfiltered actions, life with him will always be a struggle for anyone. Read other blogs... there are a lot of people who are very helpful and are living productive lives. There is a silver lining - just read all you can from this outlet. I am able to move on because of this blog.

It is sad the medical industry has not done more for this and missing the mark in treatment. I saw this firsthand because his doctor was allowing him to walk in and leave not addressing any changes. It was not until I stepped in was there any discussion. His doctor would have done more if my husband would have allowed it. My husband has become accustomed to his behavior and does not understand what he says and does is a problem.

[Lovinit]

What I’m doing is now I’d trying to not focus on changing them, my mom will never change she pushes my buttons sometimes so much I’m embaresed by my actions but i have in the past flipped out on her - she really hurt me and pissed me off. But how i handled myself I’m not proud of it. So I talked to someone a friend who gets me about what happened and she gave me a good idea of what i can do the next time my mom triggers and upsets me. It’s usually while were on the phone - so before i go acting crazy on her I’m going to say real fast ‘’ Something just came up I got to take care of, let me call you back later.’’ Click