how do you discipline teens with ADHD?

[Nostrings]

I can’t take games away and I can’t take phone away cause they don’t care much for it and find new things to keep them occupied. I try punishing with chores and they happily do it to keep them entertained. I tried workouts to burn out the energy and nothing!

Both are currently unmedicated and grades in school are find however the teachers call often to complain that they are off task.

Any ideas to combat this?

[STEM_Dad]

What sorts of behaviors are your teens doing that are problematic?

(If you don't mind sharing, that is.)

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The two things that I think are important are:1. The discipline should match the offense.

• sneaking out => grounding

• misuse of electronics=> lose electronics privileges

2. The discipline ought to be as close in TIME to the offense as possible.

• ADHD time blindness is the reason for this. If too much time passes between the offense and the correction, then there's a big disconnect between the two, and the discipline is less effective. (This time connection is more important the younger a person is.

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* Also, be consistent, but do not be too harsh.

When my eldest was a teen, her mom seemed to me to be too harsh with discipline, and I countered by being too lax and sympathetic. Rather than balance, which was what I was going for, it added to the problem. But, our daughter (now 30) also likely has Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD and might have been helped with medication and targeted strategies, if we'd had her diagnosed back then. But she didn't have Inattentive traits, so we didn't consider that she might have ADHD.

(She also seemed to have ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder, which I didn't even know about back then, but now I understand what it is.)

My second oldest is every bit as inattentive and easily distracted as me. His mom had mellowed by the time he was a teen (he's 8 years younger than his big sister), and he was a lot more mellow (more agreeable, conflict-avoidant). His grades were usually fine, but he would get off task or experience mind-wandering in class (much like me). Her discipline for him was almost 100% chores, which he didn't like much, but he would just shrug it off and do the chores.

• Also like me, when my son got ahead of the class, like finishing classwork or a quiz earlier than the rest of the class, he would find some way to entertain himself or just daydream...and then miss the transition to the next lesson. By his sophomore year of highschool, he started getting in trouble for talking with his friend next to him, when the two of them were bored in class.

• My son corrected these behaviors whenever his mom threatened to pull him out of that private school and homeschool him, or send him to public school. He would shape up for several weeks, then return to the distraction. Eventually, in his junior year, he admitted what his problem was...he was bored. His classmates couldn't keep up with the pace that he learned and did his classwork.

• He opted for homeschool his senior year, and was usually done with a full school day's worth of lessons and classwork by lunchtime.

If your teens are getting off task Nostrings , maybe the classes are too slow for their minds. Or maybe too uninteresting. (ADHD is very much an interest-based attention system, not truly a deficit of attention.)

[Nostrings in reply to STEM_Dad]

They both are extremely messy and trying to get them to clean up messes is hard. They forgets! So no fun when you have mess in the home we clean before we play and they feels it’s not a big deal. THey leave mess everywhere like a tornado.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Nostrings]

Sounds like my younger kids (ages 8 and 11; the older ones I mentioned are now 30 and 21½). My older kids could be messy, but we're usually good at cleaning up their messes.

Now that I'm a single dad, my younger kids (especially my youngest) make messes faster that I can clean them. And I've been battling depression, which has made it hard for me to be on top of them about cleaning up after themselves.

(BTW- I added a long edit to my first reply, if you didn't see it already.)

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Ideas:

When a room or space is cleaned up the way it should be, have your kids take a picture as a reference point. That's how they should leave it the next time, and they can check the picture to be sure.

Assign a "gathering point" for things in you home, like a basket for each kid in the living room. Their out-of-place things go in there, and by the end of the day all those things have to be put away. -- Each thing has a "home", a place where it belongs, and should make its way "home" by the end of each day (preferably when the kid is done usually it). **These "gathering point" and "home" ideas are from a training course by a writer, speaker and business consultant named Dave Crenshaw, who has ADHD. (His advice, based on his experience, is that there can be any number of "homes" for things, but limit "gathering points" to six or fewer.)

Thank or compliment the kids when they are taking the initiative, or when they do what you ask without hesitation or complaining. (Maybe not every time, but often enough that they know you're paying attention to when they're doing right, as much as when they're not.)

-- I call this practice "caught you being good!"

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All that said, I've been struggling with my own kids and my own house. I admit that I've got my shortcomings as a parent, but I'm always trying to learn and grow and do better.

[Knitting20projects]

You may have to decide what is worth battling over and what is worth letting go of. Otherwise you will spend all day nagging someone with ADHD who couldn’t care less if his room is a mess. Unless you have an endless supply of new, stimulating, exciting rewards at your disposal, you are fighting upstream against a differently wired brain and motivation system. Delayed gratification and working towards a distant goal also are tough for people with ADHD—-not impossible, just harder than without ADHD. The ADHD brain generally lives in the moment unless the person has a strong internal motivation to do a specific thing and can keep their eyes on that prize.

Definitely subtract 3 years from their ages and adjust your expectations for that age. Also as STEM Dad says, give whatever praise you can!!!! These kids get negative feedback so much—-they need some good input! And my son actually needed me to make an easy system with him—eg throwing stuff into bins, stick bins on shelves—voila! Room is done! He was making it into a harder process than necessary

An unmedicated teenager with ADHD is someone heading into a risky time of life with much less self control and self awareness than most teenagers. I would really weigh the pros and cons of trying medication. We’re talking: increased rates of car accidents, unplanned pregnancy, substance use, legal issues—-it is pretty sobering. And it doesn’t mean they have to take it for life. Many adults decide on careers that are a good fit, use lifestyle measures etc, and don’t necessarily stay on medication forever. But at least while in a vulnerable life stage, it’s worth a thought.

[Attentiondefdiff]

Number one do not think of it a discipline, you are simply doing the best you can to raise them into adults who will be able to leave your house as quickly as possible. Have rules and consequences in your home and stick to it. Take away their devices and let them find other ways to be entertained. Provide them with books, magazines and art supplies it’s good for their brains. Chores should be a given not a punishment. Extra projects to help the household is a great choice for them to learn new skills for adulthood while they can’t have their devices. That’s actually a pretty good life skill. Let them handle whatever trouble they get in outside your home with as little help as possible. Let them verbally process with you even if they aren’t making sense. Stay calm and know you will produce a well rounded adult that will become self sufficient and your house will be quiet someday!

[Hominid711]

Nostrings, I'm as messy now as when I was young and so was my mother. Nevertheless she freaked out over my mess and would regularly empty contents of the storage space in my bedroom or schoolbag out so everything was on the floor forcing me to tidy up. Now I can't live with anyone as their mess will irritate me endlessly so I become the tidy one around the commonly shared space at least.Their responsibility is to contribute to a peaceful household by tidying up after themselves and sharing chores. And I don't know how to achieve that with modern parenting. My mother was draconian and I have no kids.

Their peers will eventually teach them more than you can so like others have said already aim for releasing them into the wild asap.

[Portuguesemess]

Stop trying to punish them : it may not be evident to you , but they already hate being the way they are, and suffer with felling different from other kids. It's not personal - even though you may feel otherwise, they can't fully control they're behavior. One trace of ADHD is the need for control- if you say "this has to be done, or", they will resist you. Try to present things as a choice they have. This way you don't take away their sense of control. Example: we have this tasks to do until the end of the week. You decided how to do them and when, but it's important you them ( explain why). Creat a check list with them. Involve them in the process. Don't give them the reins ( they have to respect and repond to you) but don't take it away from them either. If you see nothing is getting done, try asking them if they already decided what they are going to do first ... remind them of your agreement. When they give you an answer make sure they start as soon as possible ( start doing it with them and then live them be). Try to make it a playful competition ( see who finishes first- it's a dopamine boost)It's just a sugestion...

Above all find those kids a specialized therapist and go to those apointments with them. You can learn a lot of strategies with those professionals. Medication may be necessary, but only a doctor can help you with that.

Good luke to you and you're family🤍