Low self esteem

[Lovinit]

Growing up I didn’t have the most supportive parents. I was angry at my parents for never believing in me and I fought against their beliefs of me as a teenager. I wanted to grow up and make a living doing something I loved and was good at. I wanted to be successful and independent. I wanted to be able to provide financially for them the way they were able to provide for me.

I’m all grown up now and taking care of myself on my own financially but I’m struggling. Since I grew up I lost my spirt, dreams, love, interests. I don’t know what I want or who I am really. I gave up on myself. This is how Ive felt for the last 12 years. Any advise?

[Hidden]

I know where you are coming from. I grew up with neglecting and toxic parents too. There were no hugs, no encouragement, no inclusion, no I love you, just punishment if I did something wrong or was pwecived to have done something wrong that I didn’t even know about. My mom beat the crap out of me and was verbally abusive with a histrionic personality. My father was aloof and avoidant. They also sent me away quite a bit to other people I didn’t even know. I have no memories of doing anything with my dad ever. My mom tug me along sometimes if she was going somewhere but I had to be completely silent and we extremely rarly did anything together. For a long time I brushed it off, didn’t think I was supposed to hold my parents responsible for my life. The strange thing though is that I’ve recently started having flashbacks and seen the patterns in my family to exclude me. Don’t push this under the carpet like I did and think it’s all on you. It will come and haunt you. This is a very hard thing to get over because there seem to be a silent agreement in some families to neglect 1 or maybe some member so everyone else can feel good about themselves. These people are in a “comfortable denial” and will do anything to keep it that way. They might even try to sabotage you further if you confront them. Get help, I can’t advice you to confront this with them but the sooner you deal with it on your side the better it can be for you. I can’t say for sure if you can ever get over it. I never got my footing in life because of this treatment which I then ignored and has now come to haunt me at 55 years old. I’m not saying that I’m in any way better than other people that are unfortunate, but I neither had alcoholic problem or drug abuse problem and I still had such sever self esteem problem that my adult life took a path into disconnect from others and extreme loneliness.

[HadEnuf in reply to Hidden]

Ouch: you really did “earn cPTSD”, didn't you?

[Lovinit]

Thanks Ellapony. I really like that you responded and shared your experience and feelings. It feels good to feel like someone is listening and giving me emotional support