I’m 33, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 17 in college. I’ve had ups and downs with it but I was seeing a nurse practitioner at my neurologist office for 10+ years and she knew me so well that I didn’t have to remember anything , just if meds were working or not. If they weren’t she was amazing with tips and tricks on the behavioral end. Basically, she was well informed and experienced with adult ADHD. While pregnant with my twins, she retired. The NP I saw at my first post natal appt was a clown. I told her the meds weren’t working and her response was “okay, what do you want to take instead?”. My inattentive, impatient nature leads to me not being a techy person. Nor do I have the time, patience or ability to diagnosis or create solutions to medical issues VIA the internet. Also, not my effing job. This lead to a relentless, tormenting search for ANY doctor that has experience with adult ADHD...period...let alone in women...to help me. This leads me to where I am now, seeing a ‘therapist’ once a week while waiting for my appt to see the psychiatrist. Our weekly sessions thus far (about a month) mostly include me teaching him about ADHD 😑 from what he said the psychiatrist is also going to be more on the clinical end of things.
I need help.
I’ve tried every trick in the book: timers, lists, sticky notes on the mirror, planners (HAH!) all while being on medication.
Throw 1 year old twins in the mix along with a 7 year old and a husband who thinks ADHD is an excuse and passive aggressively attempts to appease me.
I just need to get my house in actual order with a system that works in place and I know for a fact I will be golden because it’s worked in the past. (Not owning my own entire house and having 3 kids though)
How the hell am I supposed to accomplish that when I have two little (VERY VERY GOOD!) toddlers running a muck and needing me?!?
I can’t afford all the fancy shit like counselors and babysitters and mothers helpers and coaches, I don’t have the financial means to bring other people in and not one of my friends have kids yet and everyone works full time and has their own shit to do. Not to mention they don’t have/ know the ins and out of ADHD so they couldn’t help me the way I need it. I also don’t have the mental capacity to educate another person on it when I’m the one who needs the help.
This forum is my last hope.
I’m utterly defeated and I’ve been through more real life shit than most people experience in a lifetime. I made it through all of that but I can’t solve this. UGH! 🤦🏼♀️
I'm 54, was diagnosed at 36 and was a stay at home mom of a two kids. The house only needs to be enough in order to raise your kids, it doesn't have to be that orderly, as much as you want it to be and as much as it might make things feel less chaotic. Can your husband help get the house in order? My husband didn't get the whole ADHD thing either but if I asked he to do a specific task, he would. He responded best to concrete requests. Can your husband watch the kids and give you break sometimes? You already know, I'm sure, how important sleep and exercise are for our brains, but I know with kids those two things often fall by the wayside. I get your frustration with lack of educated medical professionals. I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice may not be helpful, but I wish I could have ignored my house more, not be so stressed by undone things, and played with my kids more. Hang in there.
Thank you, it’s funny because I just walked past the high chairs that still have Cheerios inthe seat from last night and thought to myself “keep walking. It’s Cheerios, they’re harmless”. Your comment was helpful because I think a chunk of my problem is not having one person to relate to. So I thank you for taking the time to respond. My husband is very hands on with the kids and he’s helpful-ish around the house. Some of the issue is that he used to do a lot more on the cleaning end, especially during my pregnancy. We lived with his very clean and tidy parents for 7 years before moving into our own home 3 years ago so I know he enjoys being able to leave dishes in the sink sometimes and so on because for the first time he doesn’t have to worry about someone complaining about it. However, those 7 years at his parents- having a consequence for not immediately cleaning up after myself and my son was great for me because I didn’t have a choice so it became habit. It all comes down to us needing to sit down and talk but I’m at the point (for the first time ever) that I’m so overwhelmed that I just freeze up and shut down. We’re also both non confrontational by nature which leads to avoidance but I know that I need to bite the bullet and talk to him. I’ve tried multiple times the last few months to set aside a night but it hasn’t taken the priority it needs. Thank you again, if not for anything else, for letting me vent.
You're welcome. Good for you walking by the Cheerios! Yes, external structure can be so helpful, especially from other people. I have a big calendar on the kitchen counter not only for appointments, errands, etc but also my daily to-do list, if I don't get to everything on the list, I don't beat myself up about it, I try to be happy with what I did get done. Vent anytime.
I agree, the house is low priority compared to getting the rest of your family on board and finding the help you need, be it medical or talk therapy or probably both. I'm sure it's frustrating. I watched my mother go through hell and not even know she had it or it was in the family or whatever. Her life was hell and my father who was troubled as well left her in the lurch.
Prioritize your needs. If you know what you have be good to yourself, be kind ti to yourself and others if you can, thicken your skin, show your children how you fight the good fight for both you and them and your family. Don't give up.
"Also, not my effing job. " I know you are going through a tough time, but it is your effing job. All the meds in the world is not going to cure ADHD. It's going to help you get to the point where you can work to retrain your brain, but you are still going to be the one that needs to do it and it's not going to be easy.
Having 1 year old twins and a 7 year old is not going to make anything easier for you. When I was a stay at home dad with a 1 year old, 2 year old and 7 year old (all boys), I felt like I was going crazy. I found myself speaking to adults like I was speaking to babies. It was not fun. Not having the support of your spouse is another issue that I had in the early days. It was thought of as an excuse. Only when my now 16 year old was diagnosed at age 10, did she understand what it really was.
I don't have any miracle ideas or cures, but I can tell you the one thing that kept my sanity for those first few years before I went back to work, was walking. I put those kids in a stroller right after I got back from dropping off the 7 year old from school and we went on a walk where I got tired. I think it was the exercise and fresh air that kept tuned into the babies, at least until my wife got home from work to help out.
Something you could use is some support from your husband. Not sure if he reads, but Gina Pera's book "Is it You, Me or ADHD?" is great for spouses of those diagnosed with ADHD. It's a humorous book that lets them know that they are not alone and gives them an idea of things to expect or lookout for. Just having the support of a spouse is going to help quite a bit until you find the right person.
Thank you for your response. I should have clarified that for the first 10+ yrs with my NP that retired, I had only ever tried one medication and we had only raised my dose twice in that span. She was able to help me with things I can do alongside the medication to help. When I went online to look up options and read reviews I became immediately overwhelmed. It was all too circumstantial and I was relying on the medical professional for guidance and knowledge. The way she had asked what I wanted was in a very presumptuous, careless way. She didn’t ask what my day to day was like, how my meds were working vs when they weren’t, etc.
surprisingly, my kids are the only thing that don’t overwhelm me. They keep me present and grounded. I need help with redirection when I’m constantly stopping because of them.
I also work two days a week as a hairstylist, I should have added. I’m putting the work in to help myself, I’m very aware that I’m the only one who can do this for me.
Highly recommend listening to Dr. Russell Barkley’s video series on YouTube, as well as his book on adult ADHD. The more I understood about this condition, the better I was able to address my “deficiencies”.
Other than the good advice already provided to you here, I would recommend Jessica McCabe's YouTube channel How to adhd. She also did a Ted talk.
As far as finding a good psychiatrist, Psychology Today has a psychiatrist finder where you can filter for your area and also refine the search to include only those who specialize in ADHD .
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