Help please

[Anonymousmomof3]

I have a 17 year old son with severe adhd he deliberately does the opposite of everything I tell him. He just got kicked out of school for fighting, he won't stop smoking and even does it in the house, he has dishes in his room some with mold, he refuses to clean his room and if I don't tell him to take a shower or brush his teeth or take his pills he won't. It is driving my husband and I absolutely crazy to the point my husband is now threatening to become violent. I have tried everything to change my sons behavior but nothing works. Now my husband is threatening to beat him up or leave me and I just don't know what to do anymore.

[BlackThread]

What does "tried everything" mean? I don't want to make suggestions based on things you have already tried. How are you telling him to do these things? I know my child, who has ODD traits, pushes back when told to do things. It works best to have a discussion with her about the things that need to be done.

It sounds like he, and your husband, need to be in therapy in order to cope better with their shortcomings. Although, if my husband ever threatened violence to my child or the end of our relationship, I would show him the door.

[Shamasamdrew]

First, I am so sorry you are all going through this. It sounds like there are many issues going on here, but if it was my circumstance, I would start with the child’s doctor. Tell them what is going on because it is disrupting your whole family dynamic. Maybe a med change is needed and maybe they can recommend somewhere for family counseling. It sounds like you all could use the support. I am also wondering if there is some outside placement where your son could be where he could get appropriate treatment, but I do not know if that is possible or exists in your area. Your child’s doctor could maybe shed some light on that.

Also, the time is now to figure out how to get him educated. Not sure what type of school your child goes to, but while expelling him is a solution to the fighting, they are still responsible to come up with a plan to help him finish his education in a setting that works for him.

Hoping things improve for you all. If your husband is threatening violence and desertion, he really needs a lot of support as well. I hope he is available to that. If not, the safety of your child comes first.

[WanderOnward]

To second another commenter, we need more information about what "tried everything" means. Is he seeing a therapist? Have you been to family counseling? Talked to his Dr about what's going on and if a medication adjustment or change is needed? By kicked out of school do you mean expelled? Or suspended? What support has the school been providing?

It sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Above all, please make sure that both you and your son are safe.

[STEM_Dad]

First of all, with how the pressure is building up in your house, do you feel like you are safe? Be sure to look after your own well-being and any other children in the household.

You say that your son has been kicked out of school for fighting. I'll interpret that to mean that he's suspended, since you didn't say he was expelled.

There are so many factors that we here do not know, which maybe you are not comfortable sharing or didn't consider to be related factors.

• Is this the first time that your son has been fighting in school?

• Does he even act violently at home?

• You mention your son and your husband both in relation to you. What is their relation to each other? (Is your husband the biological, step, or adopted father to your son? The type of relation can often, but not always, determine the level of impact and closeness.)*

• Besides smoking, has your son had any other substance use issues (drugs or alcohol)?

• How late was he diagnosed with ADHD?

• At 17, do you know how he is getting cigarettes?

• Do you live in an area with gang culture or other groups that might be violence prone, and if so then do you think that your son is involved somehow?

Also, do you know what resources are available for your son and your family? (Such as via the school, employer healthcare, other healthcare, community organization, etc.)

* Note: I am a stepdad to my eldest, but I raised her as my own (her birth dad was rarely ever involved), so I think we had a better relationship that average. I'm bio dad to her younger siblings.

• So far, eldest daughter is the only one who turned into a difficult teenager, with some similarities to what you're dealing with now with your son, including fighting, getting kicked out of school, and smoking (but she did that in secret), and had friends who were definitely a bad influence (but it could be said that she was also a bad influence on some of them). She and her mom argued a lot throughout her highschool years, and they did come to blows just one time (daughter struck first, but mom egged her on verbally until she did).

...so, I can relate to what you're going through on some level.

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And ... do you know WHY your son was fighting?

Not everyone fights for the same reasons. While there should be no fighting in school, sometimes a person is fighting to defend themselves or someone else. Most of the reasons why people get into fights are generally understood by just about anyone.

• My older son was a very passive kid, but was in a fight in 5th grade and was suspended. He was viciously attacked and only struck back when he had no other choice, because the other kid was literally trying to smash my son's head into the sidewalk. (The school suspended both boys. We withdrew our son.

However, or kids with ADHD, some additional factors might include:

• RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

• A strong sense of justice/sensitivity to injustice

• ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) or DMDD (Disruptive Mood Regulation Disorder)

The latter two disorders appear similar in many ways, so getting a distinct diagnosis of one or the other might be difficult, but I've read that ODD occurs more for youths with ADHD much more frequently than it does for the general population.

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As a man, I can tell you that many young men benefit from having a mentor. The mentor has to be somebody that the boy respects, and that the boy feels has a genuine interest in him. My boy's father is not always the best mentor for him. Often it's a coach, a teacher, a leader for a youth organization. Sometimes it's a grandfather, and uncle, a neighbor, the family friend. Sometimes it's someone that you wouldn't expect.

You could ask someone that you think your son has a good connection too if they will reach out and try to mentor him. However, this doesn't always work. The best mentorships are the ones that develop naturally, organically.