7 year old making idle threats, and now suspended. Long read, sorry for the rant!

[FrankenMummy]

My adhd, anxious and impulsive little guy has been making idle threats at his school. Saying things like "I'm going to close the doors and pour water into the room so everyone will drown", or "I want everyone to go to he'll, I'm going to kill everyone". We've received one, maybe two phone calls in regard to this over the past school year, once when he said he'd bring a hammer to school, which is the only one I remember, but I feel like there might be another call received. Regardless, I get a call from the teacher, counselor and principal yesterday afternoon telling me that he's suspended for 2 days because he told a classmate he's going to shoot her in the face. They did not tell him that, rather just sent him on his merry way on the bus then call me with this decision. They did not discuss it with him at all, and my husband got to tell him he was out of school for the week. His response? "Yay! They really don't like me there!" Mind you, this is a special school that he was sent to for behavioral issues. While at this school he has learned to swear, leave classrooms, and apparently threaten, as we don't threaten at home. He has also told me that his teacher has told him she'll throw toys away or keep them if he doesn't stop doing something, like stay in his seat or whatever, though I don't know the full truth, as it's only coming from him. I just don't know why they waited and waited for the threats until just now, and what the consequences have been previously, as they didn't tell me what they've done before. I'm just so livid, and frustrated, and just want the kid back in a normal school, in the district, but I feel like I'm at the mercy of the school system. I can't necessarily prove any of my suspicions, or prove that they aren't following his IEP. I just don't know. Anyway, thanks for listening, I know he's not the first one to have this happen, I just don't know why they can't at least care about my kid, why they just see him as a burden.

[Aspen797]

It sounds as though you are really questioning the type of support your son is receiving at this school. Don’t disregard that feeling. Some private special education schools are really amazing—loads of positive reinforcement and community building help to change behaviors in an FBA influenced way. Some schools however simply serve as a ‘release valve’ for districts—a self-contained setting for all unwanted behaviors with no real cohesive staff training in positive behavioral interventions and supports, insufficient support staff, and reliance on punitive measures instead of positive replacement ones. Can you drop in and observe? It might help you decide. If your sons behaviors are worsening, I can understand your alarm. What reputation does the school have in the disability community your son fits in (e.g. , local Chadd or autism society, or parent resource center)? Remember you can always request an IEP meeting if you feel that his supports or environment are no longer appropriate.

[ASLCODATerp]

It sounds like your guy needs some connection and support that he is not getting. And it seems like the school he is at does not have measures in place to educate and train the teachers and staff on the needs of the children. They are focused on in-the-moment behavior, not helping the children in the long-term. His social-emotional well being and social skills training needs to take priority over academics. It is a long-term gain. Isn’t that the goal?

I have been frustrated as well with our school and have tried to work with the staff and teachers to accommodate our daughter who is 8. But it feels like her IEP is just a document that the school has to have on file for record keeping purposes and not really to help her.

I know not everyone can do this, but I pulled her out and have been homeschooling her for the past month. The behavior I was seeing in her before-lots of explosive meltdowns and anger-has subsided quite a bit. It just tells me how much stress we put on our young people to conform and learn and perform in a hyper stimulating environment.

I guess I had a bit of a long rant too! You will figure out a solution. You are the one who definitely knows what is best for your child. Just look for all the possibilities, make pros and cons lists, ponder on them, pray if you do, and something will work out.

Breathe. And remember how awesome you are!

[Kkoelle]

sorry this is happening to you guys, my son was suspended many time for his verbal threats. He is now in a Bridge program, which is a therapeutic support classroom (6-7 kids with teacher, para and social worker in the class). It’s a short term program to help re-integrate kids back into their regular classrooms after a few months. My son loves it and doesn’t make those threats anymore. He is also in DBT therapy, which is also helpful. It will get better. Our kids don’t mean those threats, they just don’t know how to cope with feeling overwhelmed. He might be getting picked on and is saying things to back people off him. I know it’s really hard but you are doing a great job!

[FrankenMummy in reply to Kkoelle]

The thing that bothers me about it all is that he was in a bridge program, and they recommended a small class size which the district didn't have, so they spun this school as an extended bridge program so to speak, and this is happening. It really just seems like they didn't want to deal with him so they stuck him at this "special education school" that seems to be filled with teachers and staff that just dont get it. He tells me his teachers and aides yell at him all the time and that certainly not any therapeutic way to help my son learn anything. I'm going to call the head of the special education in the district on Monday and try get him back into the original short term program to transition him back to district. This school is just not helping him, just showing him more kids with problems that he is learning behaviors from. It's so very very frustrating.

[Poppy234 in reply to FrankenMummy]

ooh that’s really bad. Yelling at him. No wonder he’s acting out. Poor little chap. He will get worse there I’m sure. Kids don’t have skills to cope with yelling teachers. A lot of adults would struggle with that!

[Nats2005]

If you haven't already and are in a position to financially, you may want to look into an educational consultant to help you advocate with the school system. It can be really difficult for us as parents to figure out how to navigate the IEP process, ask for the right things, etc.

After initially trying to figure out some things for ourselves (including putting our son in a small private school specializing in learning challenges including attention/executive functioning) we finally hired an educational consultant. With her help we got our county to agree to make referrals to non-public schools that specifically work with kids with ADHD and related behavioral issues (ODD, DMDD) while also finding him a specialized program in the county as a temporary placement.

We were still working through the referrals (a lot of them didn't have space) when our son got so out of control we ended up having him admitted to a residential treatment center on medical need, but the consultant was still very helpful making sure we got their affiliated school on his IEP as the non-public referral so the county is paying for the educational piece.