Hello, new and hopeful!

[bambi0]

I am new to this site. trying to get some guidance to help myself with managing my son. I am at my wits end and trying to control myself which is getting more and more difficult. He has ADHD and ODD. We have been having great days / weeks even and after a blow up yesterday that is still ongoing today I am about to lose my own mind. Every little thing I say or do gets a reaction from him of 'i hate you' ' i wish you weren't my mom' 'why do i have to live here' 'this isnt fair' - the normal - but then the trashing of the room started and breaking of the door, and gate, and throwing everything in his room. The yelling at his siblings. screaming at me, violence all around. it is getting bad. I don't know what else to do. I can "stop" all of these behaviors by simply letting him go out side and play but after the complete tantrum yesterday over not buying popcorn and his "retaliation" at me for FORCING HIM to go to a movie HE originally wanted to go see, I told him he was grounded to his room for the day and he has now broken his door 2x and been a nightmare all day. I don't know where to turn. Can anyone help with where I have gone wrong.

[EJsMom]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I have totally been there so many times with my son.

My son destroyed things all the time when he was angry. He also said mean things. Hang in there!!! You’re doing your best!

[bambi0 in reply to EJsMom]

Thank you. Some days i just dont feel like it. And fear i messed up drastically somewhere. Being on my own with this makes it even more hard. His dad only sees him 1x in a month or 2 so hes unaware of how bad it gets n my roommate says he is just undisciplined n i need to be meaner.

[Onthemove1971]

bambio0- big deep breath.. this is a hard journey. Not sure how old you child is but please make sure everyone is safe. I hope that you are getting appropriate support for him and you/family. I assume that your some has ADHD since you are on the site. I when my son was first diagnosed we started to see a psychologist who helped my son deal with his anger issues. We decided that medication was the only way for use so we have found great success while he is on medication and we work with a pediatric psychiatrist who read my sons personality to determine the best dose and type, while medication only controlled %60 of behavior we work on him learning to follow the rules and us having reasonable punishments for his consequences. We also have him active is sports many days of the week to balance his energy level.

We still have days that are hard but we have come a long way, structure routine and love help also.

I hope our example help, kids with this condition have a neurological imbalance, they are not trying to misbehave.

Best of luck with your frustrating situation.. Big hug we are here for you.

Take care.

[bambi0 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank u. My son is 10 with ADHD and ODD. Hes on Ritalin and Guanfacine. I thought things were under control. We have been great. Calm listening n having normal behaviors. But this weekend reminded me that normal isnt normal. It was tge first total breakdown he's had in months. And i just am having a hard time consoling myself.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to bambi0]

Are you sure he got his meds? How long has he been on them? I am no doctor but if this happens again I was talk to them. Our normal, it not the real normal.. We always here to support you. In my house I use chores as a punishment and tell him he will be doing more the worse he acts. i try not to allow him to stay in his room because things just get messed up.

Also try to remember, tomorrow is another day and it will be better..clean slate, new start.

[bambi0 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I honestly do not know a hundred percent that day if he had his meds. I have to laugh at your comment about our normal is not normal! That is my new motto! I have done the chores with him and at some points it is too much of a fight but then I have other days where he will bend over backwards and do anything and everything I asked and then extra! it is almost like he is bipolar sometimes. We havent had a break down since thankfully. I tell him every night he is angry or struggling that "tomorrow will b a great day because all of his anger came out so there is only happiness to fill the next."

[Crunchby in reply to bambi0]

Mine was on Ritalin and rivaled the Antichrist with her behavior/violent melt downs. I read coming off ritalin can cause shifts in emotions. We went on vvyanse and Seroquel...still odd and unreasonable, but violent behavior has stopped. Mine is 11, girl. Good luck

[bambi0 in reply to Crunchby]

Im thinking it may b time to look into a change. He's been on these meds for years n i dont want to just keep upping the doses. They work well for now tho with him.

[anirush]

I have been there done that. We have broken doors, I don't even put my nativity scene out at Christmas because it's old and I'm afraid it'll get broken. We put my grandson on risperidone for the anger which is the only thing that seems to work for him but to hide those things to make you more manic and increases ADHD symptoms. But if we cut back anger gets bad again

I wish there was a perfect answer

[WendyKirkpatrick]

Hi. I can relate only too well to what you are going through. My son is 30 now and we get along better, but for many years we were estranged and it damaged my marriage as well as my relationship with my ADHD son. The trauma of those years will live on with me until my dying day. I might suggest you read a book by a pyschologist regarding behavior modification techniques, to establish a reward system for doing the right things and earning warm and loving praise. These kids feel most of the time, that all people do is condemn and criticize them. At school, they have few or no friends and blame you for that. They don't have many play dates or parties. Teachers are unsympathetic and the kids feel like they are "bad" children. Parents actually had the nerve to tell me to my face that my son was "crazy." Then it becomes a case of "you give the name, I play the game." I myself am a self-published author on createspace.com and Amazon.com. I wrote and illustrated a book about a child with ADD with my son in mind, called "I have ADD and I'm Proud to Be Me." I could never find a book that showed what a child with the condition feels like, instead of adult books with analysis, information and adult perspective. I created the book from past pain and the great love and compassion I felt for my son. I kept the price as low as possible because my desire is to help, not make a profit from anyone's pain. If you wish to get it, my name is Wendy Kirkpatrick and I hope it helps you understand your child's pain a bit better and helps with your family situation. Sincerely. Wendy

[MrsKlco]

Bambio I'm so glad you have reached out and hope you have time form one more... I work with people in trauma, MI and addiction. There is nothing more needed for my people then to talk, empathies, and being constant.

Let me step back and say...this is much easier with the people I work with then my own children. BUT it is possible. You had mentioned that his father is hardly in his life--that is huge. His mind may be going so fast (from betrayal, abandonment, etc.) because he doesn't understand the feelings that he is having. (Just like in addiction and trauma) physical exertion is easier to express when you don't understand your emotions. Reactive.

What does this mean for you? When I started working with this population, I have learned that I need to help my kids just as much as my people. So.. I would come home from work and spend 30 min with each of my children privately. It got to the point that as I came in the door they would shout out a number. Anyway, allowing each child to talk, do what they are doing (ie coloring, doodling, etc.) This went on for months, then they did not want to do it anymore. As things cooled off and became calmer.

Just a suggestion, pull your child in closer. At the same time make sure he does what is asked of him. ADHD'rs thrive in structure, and encouragement.

I have had about 3years of dealing with my middle child like this, but the 30 mins really helped and now he is a great kids that knows that he can come to me and I help him to put words to his thoughts and feelings.

Stick in there, NEVER LOOSE HOPE!!

Your doing the right thing....keep reaching out!!

Renee