Overwhelmed

[Morety]

So my wife has ADHD. It was diagnosed after we were married i’ve walked around on egg shells often. Then we adopted two kids, ages 6 and 7 now. They have been with us 3 years. . Not diagnosed officially but almost certainly adhd among some other issues. Both are smart, creative and in many ways typical kids. Our daughter struggles in the classroom because she wants to be in charge and if she does not get her way everyone pays with her anger. Our son has resorted to stealing mostly from me (I do much of the child care) and he lies about it. most days interspersed with sweetness comes demanding everyday all day long. I have depression and anxiety. We are going to see a counselor. But my wife is a behavior specialist in a school. She is excellent at her job but is grouchy at home. Let’s me do much of the care, which does not bother me however she swoops in to act like an administrator. I am too much of a push over. I am. But she is at the other end of spectrum. It’s quite frankly driving me mad. I want to leave and forget the whole situation sometimes.

[Mudpies]

Oh Morety, you are not alone. I dream of walking away from it all too. I feel like I’m drowning. My husband was diagnosed schizo-effective in November, our 8 yo has ADHD with major defiance issues, and our nearly 4 yo wants to copy everything his brother does. I am just trying not to loose my mind. I am so sorry that I can’t offer you any wise words but please just know that you are not the only one who feels that way. Big hugs!!!!!

[braveboysmom]

My husband has complex ADHD diagnosed as a child. Our 12 year old son also has complex ADHD and dysgraphia. The most important thing you can do for you and your family is to have your children diagnosed early for academic success. I was lucky enough to live in Indianapolis and worked at Riley Child Development prior to having children. I took him to the center and he was evaluated and we were able to begin treatment. He is on medication, which I wish I could say fixes everything. It is only a tool. I pray every day for much better treatment options.

I always say that living with my husband and my son together in the same room is like being inside a pinball machine and I am the flippers. My husband has always worked two high stress jobs for 30 years. He has three degrees and is very successful. However, he is a delegator at home also. It is my understanding that people with ADHD normally have a secondary diagnosis. With that being said, my husband is amazing but can be difficult relationship wise. He knows it and is thankful for me every day. There should be a support group for spouses. Educate yourself as much as possible and pray daily.

[Hidden]

Of course you feel like leaving, who doesn't? However, you are a man and your family needs your example of fortitude and sacrificial love, so you will carry on loving them. The world needs more than ever examples of grown adult men living virtuously. I'm not sure where we get this idea that life, marriage, kids and all the hardships that come along with it is supposed to be easy. You will grow in many beautiful ways loving your family. Giving up doesn't make life better, it only makes things harder. So stop dreaming and embrace your manhood. Your family and the world needs your example. I know your venting and that's OK, but really, don't go down this path of thinking too long. It's a big lie.

[Dinodog]

Hi Morety

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and hang in there. You sound like a good man and frankly this situation sounds like it could be much improved with some outside help. My adhd doc who is a pediatric specialist indicates that all the new science shows that if kids get on these meds their brains actually adapt and mature in the proper way faster than they do without- so their brains work toward “catching up” if you will. I know meds are a personal decision, and it took us some trial and error- but it’s a tool I highly suggest as it’s changed our entire family dynamic for the better- and given the child the ability to function in school which built confidence.

I’m an adult with adhd and can’t take meds due to a heart condition. But if your wife can she too should see a doc. It’s no fun for her either and i know the guilt she lives with after mood swings. She might feel much better on something. In either case I’d suggest counseling for you guys- it will help. We also use a family counselor for kids adhd which has helped immensely. I’ve been where you are and I’m here to tell you things can get way better and will with the proper intervention. Life is hard but keeping your family intact is worth fighting for. Best of luck.

[MaudQ]

That sounds like a lot. I have adult family members with mental health issues including ADHD and I also have developed the mindset that it’s my job to accommodate their problems and take care of everything myself. From my experience, this leads to me being burned out and resentful and actually doesn’t solve problems - it just maintains them. Your wife may have ADHD but she is still an adult in this family. I can’t tell from your post if anyone is in counseling or on medication, but it sounds like your kids need therapy and possibly meds and your wife might too. My big suggestion is therapy for yourself. It sounds like you are trying to do too much alone and you need to figure out how to get some help. Good luck.

[JChien]

Wow! I totally get it. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you’re going through all of this. Don’t leave. I think if you were to leave your depression would get worse. Instead, perhaps look for smaller accomplishments. Set smaller goals for yourself. I am saying this to you, but to be honest I haven’t fully practiced it myself.

I work in the medical field, and I can’t tell you how many people have anxiety and their health records. I think this anxiety that were all experiencing is the pressures of not accomplishing wha we think we should be able to accomplish.

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing. Some of these replies have alluded to this, but I just wanted to emphasize the importance of taking breaks for yourself! You can't adequately deal with others if you aren't taking care of yourself, and you'll be modeling wellness for your children. (Let them see you prioritize exercise, for instance.) Sounds so obvious, but we all can use the reminders. Retreat to your room alone, deep breaths, a walk in the woods, going to a matinee movie of your own choosing(!)...Best of luck and hang in there!

[Mmagusin]

Brother, you need to find enjoyment out of life else resentment will build up. That’s my first advice and overall advice to everyone on this thread. Find things that enrich your life. Get your significant other to support this. She must understand you’re in a bad place. I play hockey at night when everyone else is sleeping. I come home feeling awesome. Find your escape!