Struggling.

[Rspears2024]

Hey everyone.Just wondering if anyone could point me in the right direction, if there's even a possibility or not but we're at our wits end.

My partners child has been stealing things, mainly small items/ another child's tooth fairy money to bigger things like money out of her nannys purse, toys and things from her babysitter as well things from her teachers desk but it's also every where we go. We've tried time outs, taken all privileges away etc and she's still doing it. She's also only 7. She lies constantly and she has a horrible attitude to absolutely everyone. We literally have no idea what else to do. If anyone has even any other ideas of what we can do here please let me know, we're literally at the end of our ropes here with this child.

we have her in therapy, she's had assessment after assessment done through doctors and specialists for mental health. She is diagnosed ADHD and is on a medication that has been increased twice.

We're here in tears while I write this .We don't know what other avenues to even start looking into or what's available in Nova Scotia to help her. I can assure everyone that we have medically gone down every path that has been offered to us through the doctors we have had her to, we just don't know what else to or where to even start.

Her mother isn't in the picture unless it's convenient for herself. She has 6 children and is currently pregnant with her 7th and she only has custody of two, and that is mostly because one father is out west and the other is in jail. She has one of her other children already in jail, we are trying to keep this child from going down that route like her sibling.

We had had many sit down conversations regarding why she's stealing and to sum up her response it's because she wanted it. We have told her (in different wording of course) that we are a lower income family and that if she wants something to just ask us and we will work on getting it. We got her a whiteboard that she writes those things down on however a lot of the time it's things she can't actually have. For example, the main ones she writes down is bubble gum and slime but each time she has those items she puts them in places or does things like sticking bubble gum and slime to the couch, the guinea pig and the dog. So we have told her she needs to be older and more responsible in order to have those things.

Please if anyone out there has any suggestions please reach out to us. We have even contemplated having a police officer come to the house and try to talk to her about the stealing and where that can end up. We just don't know what else to do.

Thank you for your time.

[STEM_Dad]

It definitely sounds exasperating.

My eldest daughter (stepdaughter)did some things like that, but not frequently. I'm certain that it was:

• partly ADHD related (impulsivity)

• partly bad examples set for her (before her mom and I married, some people that her mom was friends with were known to shoplift... the parents and children did)

• partly reactionary (due to a lot of uncertainty in her life, from a young age until about a year after I married her mom...when we finally really came together as a family)

• her behavior got better for a few years, but then worse again around age 12-16, which I now suspect was ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), which is sometimes related to ADHD

While my daughter's behavior was sometimes very bad, and sometimes she would have a long streak of bad behavior, she was still good and kind a lot more.

The bad news is that we dealt with a lot of issues with her, it was frustrating and at times heartbreaking.

The good news is that she did eventually grow out of it. She is now a very responsible person and a great mom.

I should note that her mom insisted that there was no way that our daughter has ADHD. In her late 20s, our daughter's doctor told her that he thinks she does have ADHD. (She said that he didn't give her a diagnosis of ADHD, but he recommended that she be assessed for it. To my knowledge, now 30 years old, she still hasn't.)

~~~~~

There are other possibilities, like a child who perceives and understands things very differently, like a child who has autism/ASD.

• e.g. I've known some kids in the same family who were diagnosed with autism and ADHD very young. Each of them got to a point when they seemed to understand right and wrong (including about stealing) at different ages. One of them, as intelligent as they were for their age, still struggled with social rules and expectations in their late teens.

The behavior might also be due to a conduct disorder.

I think it's much more likely that it's impulsivity (which is directly related to ADHD) or reactionary (i.e. "acting out").

~~~~~

Is she on ADHD medication? It can make a big difference to reduce impulsivity and improve overall behavior.

I wish that my daughter had been assessed for ADHD as a kid, and if she has it then that her mom was open to medication as treatment. We tried lots of rules and structure, plus counseling, but it didn't help enough.

[Rspears2024 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for your reply! She is medicated, around I believe 50mg a day but we find towards bedtime it has worn off of her. We have had meeting with the school, they do believe that there are other issues eg autism and ODD but she needs further testing done and our waitlist is quite long here. She can be very manipulative, telling other kids as well as her brother to go and do things that she knows will get them in trouble and I feel like she does this as a control thing. When asked why she does these things we get a shoulder shrug and that's about it.

[Redpanda5]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

I get that she has adhd like you said but I think you may find great help and support through aspergerexperts.com.

Hear me out. They deal with this sort of thing a lot. The coaches at this site are living, breathing examples of many behavior problems which makes them different from other coaches. You see, they were the problem children growing up and now they’ve banded together and help parents through the jungle using their experiences and science. They simply “get” it at a deeper level. Don’t let the name scare you away. Their strategies help across many diagnosis types. The have very inexpensive self pace courses (less than the cost of ONE doctor appointment) that come with weekly conference call assistance. It’s amazing.

Your problem fits right in with what I’ve heard on the conference calls. There is hope — you are not alone. Just go to their website, trust me. There is a path through this.

Best!

[Rspears2024 in reply to Redpanda5]

Thank you I will absolutely be checking this out!

[Lillianmcmcl]

I am sorry you are struggling and feeling so stuck. What if you put the "problem behavior" aside, to the best that you can, and focus on bonding? This can be so hard with my daughter, but I have found that when we have a stronger connection, when she feels heard and seen by me, that I am not as much the enemy and my words and feelings start to matter a lot more. My daughter is almost 9 and has ADHD and autism. She has also stolen and done some similar rascal behavior, like you mentioned. So much of our time can be going to therapies and specialists and talking about how she needs to improve. When we have bonding days or frequently snuggle and watch or read or play whatever is HER preference, she starts to listen and consider my feelings more. I'm not sure if this would help you, but it may be worth a try.

A chore chart to earn money which she gets to spend however she likes has also been a lot helpful. I'm not going to say it solved it all right away, but it is really helpful and logical to have another path to getting what she wants. She might also earn non- monetary rewards so you feel less burdened by finances.

[Rspears2024 in reply to Lillianmcmcl]

Thank you for your reply! We definitely try to have quality time with both her and her brother but in all honestly we almost dread it, not because we don't want to thats not it at all it almost seems lime ot aggravates the problem behaviors 😞

[Mamamichl]

the police situation is definitely a good idea. They may even be able to show her what jail looks like. Also, see if there’s a big brother big sister opportunity or maybe an older kid in the area that used to steal and is recovering. People with ADHD definitely have more chance be to have kleptomania like this and more chance to lie. Is there a way for her to visit her sibling in jail?

There are slimes that can be eaten, and would wash out easier, and there are recipes online. Perhaps see if there are events she can go to to get these things and play with them only outside, or perhaps something similar. Maybe a chewy candy or chewing gum when you are on a walk together, but then before she leaves your side, she can spit it out into the trash, or maybe even stick it to a napkin. Telling her what is expected before she impulsively does it sometimes helps. “When you’re done chewing, I want you to put it in this napkin and squeeze it so it sticks. Then I want you to put it in a trash can”. Have her repeat the instructions or she can’t have the item. Don’t leave her side while she’s using it and let her know you are trying to teach her responsible ways of using the item. Tell her she needs to show you she can do it responsibly until she can do it more.

My kid lies impulsively. I just stare at her and ask again. She usually smiles and eventually says the truth. I then reward her for the truth, and she’s more honest. She’s 10, so it has taken a lot of work. We use small puff balls when she does something well, and she can use them to buy things she wants like slurpees, boba tea, a candy bar, a small toy, etc.

[eva2022]

Hello!

You are not alone. My child with ADHD and ASD ‘sneaks’ things that I have repeatedly told them not to take. He’s 7, too. I usually try not to make it a big issue and just give the consequence that we have set up for him: replace what was taken with his own funds and do a non-preferred consequence (like cleaning). I also let his teachers know that this is a consistent behavior and set up consequences with them. At home, I lock up everything that we don’t want him to take. (We changed out many of our doors for code locks).

I’ve found a lot of help in the following two resources:

1. Boy Town - They have very inexpensive parenting classes that really helped me. The class size is super small and everyone is experiencing similar struggles. The teacher was very practical. Classes are on-line.

2. The Kazden Method for Parenting the Defiant Child - he has a free course on Coursera called The ABCs of Parenting. The main things that I learned from it is that talking to your child is not effective for behavior change, and that rewarding the positive opposite of the targeted poor behavior is effective at changing behavior.

If you have a choice of pediatricians, it could be helpful to look around for one with a lot of experience with ADHD. Not all Pediatricians have the same experience, and a good doctor can help connect you with resources.

Best of luck. This is HARD. I struggle most days, too. You have a community here.

[Mamoa53]

That does sound really hard, I’m sorry you are struggling.

Another idea to consider is to look at the payoff she is getting from stealing. What is the motivation? If you can understand that, you can collaborate with her on other ways to meet that need.

I also think connection is so important (but understand it can be really hard when you are frustrated, angry or despairing).

Something left field but have you thought about diet? We are currently doing with RPAH Elimination diet and have seen some differences in behaviour. It may not work in all cases, but some people have seen incredible differences. You can read Sue Dengate’s book ‘Fed Up’ if you’re interested in learning more.