I'd really love any of your thoughts and suggestions! Our older kid was never really moody, so it's hard to know whether almost 14 year old daughter is a "normal" teenager, or if this is beyond normal. It's definitely beyond what's sustainable.
We're happy and have fun in our family. Luckily, most things are smooth sailing around here. She does fair-to-good in school, feels she has a LOT of friends. She likes to go out with friends and always has people to hang out with. She does not appear to struggle with anything except for the ADHD. At one point when we talked with a psychiatrist about the meds, she said she would like to talk to a therapist - "to talk". When I explained what a therapist really does and that we wouldn't go to one unless she was struggling with depression/anxiety or something, she agreed that she doesn't have any of those problems and that she didn't need to see anyone. I told her that if she did in the future, to let me know. She does play a club sport so practices 2x/week for 2 hours and tournaments begin every other weekend or so soon. She has fun with friends from sports, school, the neighborhood, a boy she is "dating", etc. almost all the time. She is laughing, talking, playing Game Pigeon, texting, snapchatting, on the rare occasion crying (rare - and I'm just saying she's normal...).
Here's the concern. When she sees us, she will immediately drawn down her face. I've seen it through the kitchen window as she's walking home from school with a friend. She'll be laughing and then see me through the window and immediately scowl or make a straight face. She'll greet her dad with a "WHAT." when he goes to her room after work and says hello to her. Her responses are rude, her face is just awful, and she makes nasty comments. It's saved JUST for us.
Now, we are in a vicious cycle. She is nasty, we give her a lecture, I'm sure it's annoying and negative, she feels bad, then she is nasty, we lecture, etc. It's horrible.
And, she essentially spends all her time in her room. We've instituted a no-door-closed rule, which helps break the divide, but this feels not good too. I do think it's an ADHD thing (and also an adolescent thing) that she's not into games, TV, and prefers to do HW (when she does it!) in her room. Sometimes she falls asleep (b/c she's literally laying in bed) but often she's watching videos on her phone, doing social media stuff, facetiming friends, or having a friend over. It's just ALWAYS in her room. I've tried saying she can't be in her bed and needs to be in a chair and bought a cool chair, but the chair is often full of crap and she's back to being in her bed. I DON'T think it's a depression thing though I'm sure it sounds really bad. I think it's literally just a comfort thing. All her stuff is there, it's comfortable and thus she's in her room all the time and when we come to try to ply her for conversation or activity, she's nasty.
I'm not totally opposed to her being in her room (though being in the bed just doesn't seem right - at least on paper). It's essentially the equivalent of a teen spending all her time in the playroom or the TV room, or some other room. At age 14, most of her free time is her own time, we're not building blocks together after school at this age. I WOULD like her to linger in the kitchen with me a little longer, and when I pass by her room (with open door), I would like to ask her questions/make comments and have her respond normally and not rudely.
We do have some good conversations. Sometimes when her sister is home, she is out with us and engaged. On our drives to places, she'll sometimes share funny stories or tell me about friends or teachers or school. But it is never in response to any questions about her day. I know some of this is normal for a teen but what's NOT normal is how her baseline feeling for us is almost like she hates us. I would say she is "normal" about 30%, acts like she doesn't like us about 50% of the time, and acts like she hates us about 20% of the time. Again, she is "normal" with friends.
We do put limits on the cell phone. It's is hard to institute it (and practically gives me anxiety anticipating her responses!) but we make her turn in her phone at about 8, and do 2 hours of phone free time on the weekends. This sometimes gives her no choice but to engage or do something productive like clean her room.
Though we probably pick our battles sometimes because she has honestly always been pretty intense, when she is really nasty we do call her out. I'm sure our responses are not great. I'm sure if I read a transcript it would sound horribly embarassing. They probably fall along the lines of "What's your deal? When you're 18, if you choose to, you can move away and never see us again but since you're here for a few more years, you need to get it together because you're being hurtful and we're the only people who unconditionally love you. Not your friends, not, blah blah blah...". I know. It's awful. This is why I really need some insight, a gameplan, or something.
If you've gotten this far, thanks so much for reading!!!
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wendyks
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I also need advice with how to deal with a rude teen (mine is a boy and I am trying to understand if he behaves like he's entitled because he's spoiled or hormonal teen or ADHD behaviors, etc., etc). However, a few things come to mind when I read your post.
You mentioned that when she behaves rudely that it's a vicious cycle of lecturing, etc. One thing I've read over the years with ADHD is that lecturing never works for them. I have been told over and over, use fewer words. Short and sweet. My teen will literally roll his eyes at me if I use too many words. I actually find that the less I say, the more effective it is. It's as if the silence gets his attention. He loves the tit-for-tat and it gets us all nowhere. But the silence usually ends in an apology from him.
The next time she scowls at you or has rude behavior, I would let it hang in the air. Wait and be patient and ignore it (and ask yourself what would be causing your daughter to lash out like that). Don't say anything. See what she does. Then, within 10 minutes or so (unless she notices your silent reaction and wants to talk) quietly approach her and tell her in one sentence, "You gave me an unhappy face when you walked in. What's going on?" Then let her talk. If she doesn't respond, then ask her in a non-emotional way, "What's the matter? Is everything ok?" Then, be silent. Let her talk. See what she says.
The other thing I would do is give her a notepad and pen or if she has a computer, suggest she write out all her feelings and frustrations. Sometimes they just need to dump the circus in their head onto paper. Going through puberty, emotional teen years, and having ADHD is tough! There's a lot to express, seems especially so for girls. I also think it is good to tell her that when she does X, it makes you feel hurt. But I wouldn't lecture or go on and on as it will be lost on them.
So, these are my two impressions. I'll follow this post for other advice, because I need it, too.
Yes, that is exactly what I debate every day: puberty, entitled/spoiled, ADHD.
The worst is when someone gives advice and the asker spends all this time saying why x,y,z won't work. I really don't want to do that! But... I think silence will just lead to nothing. She won't even realize it. But I do like the idea of waiting 10 min and coming back. That will at least give me a moment to collect my thoughts. I think for us, there is less tit-for-tat (which I think woudl leave to big blow ups, a similarly sucky situation), but she's more just quiet. Will just sit there and I don't know if anthing has impacted her so I just go on... and then say it another way... and she's not moved, so I say it a different way... and I just sort of keep going until she shows SOME emotion.
I also wish there were a way for her to do the dump in another way. Sometimes she talks, but often she just deals with I guess by zoning out, watching movies, etc. She definitley would never write in a journal or that kind of thing. I doubt she would even talk with a therapist.
I will DEFINTIELY make a better effort to keep it short and to the point. Thanks so much!!
Yes, I find it more effective than all the lecturing we used to do. I just give him a one sentence reply and then I'm quiet--find this especially useful in the car driving when there's silence. It's hard for me to not go in defense mode with his comments and behaviors, I feel like I have to defend myself or stand up to his disrespectful ways. But I found silence and completely ignoring him sometimes to be effective. Sometimes I'll just reply with, "That is not ok to speak to me that way. When you can talk to me without sarcasm or raising your voice, we'll talk." I put an app on his phone that will shut his access to everything except calling and texting. I tell him when he can talk to me with kindness, he will gain use of his internet access again, for example. I've just read over an over, that ADHD kids and teens don't need or want a lecture, they tune out with too many words and shut down. I tell him short and sweet, what he did was not ok in a non-emotional way. Or, I completely ignore him and leave the room at home, for example. I think he loves the arguing drama. By ignoring him, I'm letting him know I'm not putting up with it. Then later, I'll approach him or even text him. I honestly can't handle the yelling! This ADHD has kicked my tail and think it's coping mode.
I use the app by OurPact. I watched a video of it on you tube to understand how it worked. When I do use it, I don't use all the scheduling, timer, and other features. I keep it simple: I click on "block." Later, when he has either earned his electronic time by doing homework, or chores, or spending time outside, etc., then I "Grant" access. Drives him nuts, of course, but I find it easier to stick with this then arguing over having him hand me his phone. Best wishes.
Sounds like our sons r very much alike. It's a struggle but I love my son n im not giving up on him.
There are two best things I ever did. One, took away the internet. My almost 12 year old was ALWAYS on it. And she was really horrible if I even tried to talk to her. Once I really dug in an researched what she was looking at it was not only disrespectful, but downright scary. It was pretty bad for about a week, it's been about 2 months now and she doesn't even ask about it. The second best thing was family counseling. We both needed it, we both needed to learn how to communicate with each other. She is not allowed in her room alone. Period. It has been hard, but honestly, since both of her diagnoses we have become closer, we actually talk more and she looks me in the eye.
Yep, she's still a brat sometimes and yep, we still argue and Yep, she is still manipulative. But as we've gone through therapy, I'm WAY better able to tell when she's genuinely hurting and when she's being manipulative. For example, Wow, that was interesting you were JUST fine 10 minutes ago and now that you need to do some chores, you "just can't" and are having a meltdown?
Good luck, this is REALLY hard and some days, like today (she woke up at 4 AM ON CHRISTMAS) I'm really exhausted, but it's worth it!
You're totally right. When we're consistent with the phone, she is MUCH better. I will also look into some sort of cousneling - at least a few consultiations for me, if this doesn't get better very soon. I might actually set a deadline for seeing change.
Great advice. Another thing to think about: I'm reading in a new book called "Time to Parent" and thought this made sense, so I'm trying to think about this myself too. When we "parent" we have four modes that we can be in (Provide, Arrange, Teach and Relate) and it's good for there to be a balance of those. I have 2 kids (boy age 14 and girl age 13) with ADHD and I know that I spend a lot of time in the first 3 modes and not enough in "Relate". It helps me to think about what my intentions are any time I interact with my daughter (who I feel is often moody/rude towards me). I am trying to increase the amount time I spend just "relating" with her and when I do this, I notice a big improvement in my daughter's attitude towards me.
Good tips. I actually work with teenagers and I relate so damn well... except with my own. I usually know the right thing to say or not say, and as I'm telling myself...don't say it...I say it. It probably falls along the line of teach maybe - turning every little thing into a "teachable moment". That's not the way to relate. Now that I think about this, I think my husband does this as well. That makes all our limited interations pretty annoying I'm sure!!
Wow! You are not alone. I guess I need to read the above book as well. Question, I am hearing that kids with ADD may take up to age 30 to fully mature. Has anyone else read this as well?
My son is 16 and has been acting like what ur talking about for about 2 years. We take him to a therapist and Ive even had other people talk to him about all of it. Honestly I really think they just want to get a rise out of us and attention. I love my son bunches but he makes me out of my mind sometimes. Im a medical mess n it makes it worse for me, but I will never give up on him. When he acts THAT WAY.. I just think in my head...hes got ADD, hes a teenager, hormones and hes just trying to deal with life and our world today. It could always be worse and some parents do have to deal with more than we do.. which breaks my heart for them. Bottom line is.. my son knows I love him n will do whatever to help him live his life to the very best while having ADD.
I have a quiet place in my house I lock the door and do crossword puzzles... to breath and give myself a break from my son!! It does help! We have to help ourselves so we don't burn out helping them !!
You will get through this :).. we all will ! I hope lol
Hi, I have a 14 year old daughter also that sounds similar as yours with attitude and rude behavior. Hers started a long time ago around age 11. We found out after about a year her shutting off from us, staying in her room all the time, and saying hurtful rude comments was more than just ADHD. She had depression and severe anxiety which has led her to many behavior issues emotionally and socially. She sees a therapist and psychiatrist. I'm not saying your daughter has any of the things I described about mine, but we thought her actions were just typical teenage stuff for the most part. My daughter has friends and is glued to her phone and social media also. On the outside you would think everything is normal. I wish it was but she struggles everyday. The thing is I think over time especially when they start to get older they start to see themselves as different or weird because of their ADHD. Other kids may point out things not trying to be mean. This has happened to my daughter many times. For instance she blurts impulsive or offensive things not even realizing it, which kids have pointed out as rude or weird. It may be worth exploring to see if maybe she is upset over her ADHD. My daughter has blamed me in the past for making her take meds and having to email teachers and be overly involved in her education. It's easier for her to take it out on us than admit she has a neurological impairment that affects her daily. I hope this helps
Thank you for sharing this and I’m sorry to hear about your daughters struggles. I will definitely keep all this in mind. My daughter was the one who drive this diagnosis/medication process. (Though we’d suspected this all her life) and she says she’s fine with it and understands it all. It possible she is getting (or telling us) different messages so it’ll be good to keep minitorong it. Thanks!!!
When she asked to see a therapist to me that sounded like a cry for help. My 14 year old grandson spends a lot of time in his room. His counselor says that's pretty normal for a teen. But he really likes her and vents a lot. I have gotten to know him better through his conversations with her.
A therapist can put things in perspective for both the teen and the parent. They are impartial can help you see things from both sides. Hope you reconsider.
I don’t have much to offer as we are starting down this kind of road, but something that struck me was her getting up the courage to ask to talk to a therapist. Every person gets something different and personal out of each interaction with these professionals. It is not obligated that a person has a diagnosis of a certain type. It does sound like she has quite a bit going on in her life which is awesome! Given age, less experience to draw from, etc running things by a rational adult may bring some awareness to her actions in her own mind.
Besides that choosing my battles has been imperative. While at first look where she spends time or sits may feel important but often is not worth the following reactions. Also be sure she feels comfortable enough to close her door when personal privacy is needed. As another Mom above pointed out, she benefits from time behind a closed door, balance is key.
My only other mention is an app that has been Avery helpful addition to our lives. It shuts down the internet options either according to a schedule I created and also can be turned on and off easily by me. Having a preset schedule has seemed to take the blame and fight off me and it’s more just a thing that happens and she is aware from the get go. There are several apps - the one I use is called “OurPact”.
Other than that... I wish us ALL so much luck. Lol. We need it
I’ve tried to use words like “turn in your phone” instead of “give me your phone” and that similarly helps. I’ll look into that app but the ones I’ve seen in the past can just be deleted or require complicated Verizon setups.
I’m glad you think the room this is not as big a deal as I am worried it is. We’ve said she can close the door to change or if she’s FaceTiming someone (cause the noise). But that’s a good point! Thanks for your thoughts!!
It sounds like your teenager is in control of the household. There needs to be some sort of limit setting. Consider taking away the cell phone and internet. These things are privileges and if she cannot respect her parents and show appropriate behaviors, they need to be taken away.
Your teen may also be experimenting with mood altering drugs. Please take her to a therapist to get to the root of her hatred towards you both. There is definitely something going on.
Lastly, this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Teens have so many hormonal changes going on, peer pressure, school responsibilities, relationship struggles, etc. The list goes on and on. Though our children may seem old enough to cope with all these emotional changes, they really do not know how to process everything. Don't beat yourself up or feel you are responsible for her anger. You and your husband are great, loving, supportive and awesome parents.
My teenage daughter (turned 13 in Oct.) She has ADHD - combined but more hyperactive. Has (minor) sensory disorder; has been stated as "gifted" and is highly creative. Until Sept, she was med-free. Because of symptoms (inability to focus in school, extra curricular activities, and in talking to me), we decided to try meds (after exhausting most other holistic approaches). Her twin brother has ADHD - combined but more inattentive, (minor) sensory disorder, significant anxiety (he is probably on the autism spectrum as well). My daughter was put on Concerta last week of Aug. Through Sept, she became very withdrawn. Same as your daughter, spent all of her time in her room. Wearing a hoody, blinds drawn, all of her free time on her computer, in bed, etc. Kept saying she wanted to be "left alone. I'm fine." My friends are the only thing that matters to me etc. Finally after, seeing some chats in Google handouts, realized she needed help. Served it up as her saying in summer she wanted our family "fixed." (There is so much I am leaving out b/c of space.) Last week in Sept she came off the med. After a trip to her pediatric neurodevelopmentalist who's known her since kindergarten, we were concerned she may hurt herself. We put her in an intense adolescent outpatient program. After a few days in the program, she cut herself. Trying to get the ADHD in control (said focus was really bad in chat, left side of brain was arguing with the right side), we put her on Straterra. She cut herself a second time. Stated in her chat she was depressed, harmed herself and was suicidal. Took her off the Straterra (and had had the genetic test done, by the way). I wasn't sure how much was for real and how much was for attention. Because her brother has needed a lot of help in the last two years, she is very jealous of the attention he has needed. I think she was seeking attention of friends and there was a lot of drama in the chats - another friend started cutting - I think as a result of her doing this. We cut out the chats, had her supposedly doing only paper homework but this didn't really go the way it was suppose to partly because of the teachers fault and partly our fault. So much in between - Mobile crisis, called, etc. We took her out of the program 6 weeks into it. She refused to go. We forced her and then finally realized it was pointless and causing more harm than good. She is now doing in-home therapy (but we are just at the beginning) In the end:
1) I think the internet is a HUGE problem. Her psychiatrist said that it is especially addictive to those with ADHD due to the fact that it intensifies the dopamine rush. The psychiatrist was just short of giving her a diagnosis of addiction but said let's wait and see. My daughter does NOT have a phone and therefore NO SOCIAL MEDIA access. She is asking for one. She has a home chromebook and uses it for Youtube and google handgouts (but her VP banned her from using it at our request - he has her school chromebook). We do try limits but it is so hard. We have the Disney circle but my daughter hid it (we didn't call her on it as her brother told us and we don't want her to go after him). We started using the Xfinity app for parental controls). seems to be working ok. (Before we started using this, my husband and I were playing "Keep-away" with my daughter's computer and then needed to call mobile response - although she wanted it for homework, she had been up to the 12, 1, 2, 2:30 am doing homework and we needed to put an end to it.) Endless hours on the internet are particularly bad for developing brains. Research shows it actually changing the wiring in brains (not to mention causing a lot of family conflict). Problem is that few kids hang out in person anymore and therefore the internet has become the new "playground"; it's convenient for parents - keeps the kids busy, and no rides are needed. So when friends are on-line, mine want to be there too. They don't want to be left out. Camos1985 - how did you completely take away the internet from your 12-year old? Friends, keeping busy? Etc.
2) Hormones are coming into play big time. Parents can do no right. We get the death stare a lot. She said in her chats she dreads coming home from school, school is her sanctuary. When she was using my computer and I could see, she actually said "she hated us." I wasn't surprised by this fact but by the fact that she didn't know enough (or want to) to try to protect our feelings. Is lacking empathy an ADHD feature? Is it lack of maturity? (She's incredible immature in some way and incredible ahead in others - makes it very hard to parent). I think part of the withdrawing is part of growing up, testing boundaries, seeing how much power she can get. Our problem (one of many) that we walk on eggshells between the 2 kids. And, although we are the adults, it's so hard not to have our own feelings and act on them. Birdie is right - don't react, breathe, walk away - do whatever is necessary. Then come back later, show empathy for their feelings and then try to have a brief dialogue. My daughter has said she can't focus on what I am saying. She tunes me out (partially on purpose, partially not) so it is best to keep the message simple and use few words.
3) A (bad) consequence of putting my daughter in the program was that she couldn't do her TKD which was a great physical outlet for her - and, I didn't realize, badly needed for a physical outlet, dopamine rush and self-esteem. However, because she was in the program 3 hours a day, 4 days a week, she couldn't do it. (She did continue with her stage crew participation as the timing was mostly weekends.) Exercise/physical activity, I'm sure you know, it really important to these kids. (Also removing her activities as a consequence is a bad idea but limits us in what we can do as a consequence.)
4) Rudeness, I think is part teen and part ADHD. My daughter has felt unfairly criticized over the years b/c we've lectured about manners, food, how she dresses, etc. because nothing ever seemed to sink in. Things she should have learned along the way fell on deaf ears, except for beating up her self esteem. I think ADHDers are slow to learn in this area - just a guess. Now we are in total rebel mode - clothing, attitude - dressing, sporting a Mohawk, sometimes cursing, rebelling against expectations, etc. Our daughter also thinks we "care too much." Other kids parents don't care that much. What can I say??
My daughter stressors are the school pressures - she just hit 7th grade and the work is ramping up. She is all advanced classes. We don't put the pressure on her and tell her she's just in 7th grade -- don't worry about it. But she doesn't want to be shut out of the classes because her friends are in these classes. She put she puts the pressure on herself. Lastly, puberty is huge. Someone talked about ADHD and being different. My daughter is also very impulsive and loves "shock value." She is also telling friends she is gay. (She hasn't told us and is working with a therapist.) Some of them say the same or that they are bi...and she very well could be. This is just another way she is different from the status quo and could be causing some of the anger and behaviorial problems.
Know of so many books and am exhausted consulting them and trying to put them into practice....I would like advice on whether consequences or compliments/rewards are more effective. Rewards charts only worked for so long and were hard to keep up with. We are constantly walking on eggshells, find it really hard to pick our battles and discipline. Do I get them phones or not - I really feel they are not ready. (My son is equally into his computer.) Yes, they are of the age, but certainly not maturity and I am concerned about brain development. However, my kids will be in with the rest of society's kids and they will all be running our country and taking care of us when we can't do it ourselves!! Sorry to paint such a glim picture!!
PS. There is a really great slide presentation by psychologist Ellen B. Lichman, PhD done for CHADD called "Understanding Girls with ADHD." It helps with understanding characteristics. It is spot on with my daughter!!
So, at first I tried to monitor it, then I got Verizon Smart Family which worked as a stop gap. Now she has a flip phone. She is also diagnosed with a mood disorder. She flat our finally told me she couldn't stop herself. I took all the computers with the exception of my Surface out of the house. She didn't go to her Dad's until he did the same. (THAT'S a whole separate story) If she's working on a book report or whatever, I'm right there. If we need the internet we do it together. It's a PIA, but I have to do it, she was going dark places. She has a lot of trouble with friends anyway but I let her use my phone to talk to them. I promise you taking away the internet was a lifesaver.
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are really doing your best to learn about and meet your daughter’s needs. Kudos to you! I hope 2019 is a good, calm and happy one for you all!
Listen, we're just all in this together, one day at a time and we're all here to help each other. None of us have all good days or all bad days. Hang in thereq
So much of what everyone is experiencing is the same in my home. My 15 year old daughter is basically a nasty, uninvolved, angry teen. She was the sweetest and easiest child until about the end of 7th grade.
Per a Dr. who's an ADHD expert.....many ADHD kids do have a co-morbidity other than just the ADHD (like a mood disregulation disorder or oppositional defiant disorder). My daughter definitely has something else going on. She was having rage tantrums! She shows it ONLY towards her father and me! Regardless, it's a nightmare and extremely difficult to deal with.
The last two years since starting the meds, she's been through 5 different meds and dosages, for the inattentive ADHD and now she's also taking a mood stabilizing drug. It's helping a bit! Thank goodness the rage tantrums have stopped.
Due to the tantrums we put her in an out-patient therapy setting for 20 school days which was only OK at best. Finding a good therapist and family therapist on my insurance is so difficult, too.
I really don't take her hurtful words personally and try to stay calm as much as I can with her, and I know deep down...this too, shall pass (I hope).....one day at a time 😀😀
Wow, I just read my own story! I am dealing with the exact situation except mine doesn’t do homework, doesn’t care about her grades (only her friends in school) and is failing a few classes.
My older daughter (19) is so opposite with everything, I really don’t know how to handle my 14 year old daughter at this point and just taking it one day at a time, doing the best I can.
Thank you for sharing, wish I can offer suggestions, but am struggling with the same disrespect from my daughter.
Good luck to you, wish you were local, it would be nice to connect with you over a cup of coffee. Praying for improvement for your family and mine 🙏, hang in there and I’ll continue to do the same.
Uncanny! I did find when she is on meds consistently she does better and she tends to care more about her grades when she does better. Not sure I can get her to do HW though. She recently told me she was doing her homework at achool. It wasn’t until later that I found she was not doing her class work (because she was doing her Hw!). Sigh.
I haven't reached this stage with my own children...but I have ADHD and it was untreated as a child/teen. Once I entered highschool I could not handle being around my family after school. School wasn't that easy for me and the demands of highschool, not just the work, but the sports, activities, social demands...exhausted me to NO end. Much the way Motherhood does at times now.
My oldest has ADHD too and he lashes out me almost daily after school and quite often and shuts himself off from the family. I worry so much about him at times. I have to learn to accept and respect his need to be alone.
He just needs time away from all the stimulation, people and noise. It can be hard for others to understand who don't experince these feeling of being internally overwhelmed like this. The most outgoing person can feel depleated from many social encounters. Screen time leaves young people feeling depressed after they over use it. There is a lot of research out there now to back this up. Screens before bed and while in bed are not good for anyone young or older.
I also think girls at this stage often deal with hormonal shifts, monthly, that can trigger mood swings and interfere with ADHD, Depression, Anxiety. I think you should rule out that she doesn't also have anxiety or depression-- they often follow ADHD. My moodiness decreased once I hit 18. My hormones finally started to level out in my 20's.
I would figure out what things are super relaxing to her and let her find some time to do them. (Aside from screens) Sleeping isn't a bad thing -- teens need all that extra rest and down time -- like when they were toddlers.
Parents have little idea what's going on in those social media encounters or talks at school -- while she may need a trusted person to help her navigate it all -- this could all be part of her discovering her own identity-- in which case you may need to find someone to talk to for yourself-- because it's kinda normal for you to become the enemy at this age -- no matter how great you or the family until is. Reach out to the school counselor-- maybe she can check in on her child too. I would make sure she's ok for sure -- look for signs of drinking or drug use. You may need a trained professional to help with this. What ever you do -- dont ignore your gut if it clearly says something is wrong. You are Mom!
THank you so much for your reply. That was super helpful and I love to hear "survivor stories" to know things do get better. I will definitely try to figure out what's relaxing. Through this thread from your advice and others' advice, I'm learning that this privacy is not a bad thing. We also thought more about what we were like at that age and agreed that we were always looking for time to be out of the house or in our rooms as well.
As you know adolescence can be a trying time! Hormones are changing and in general, teens are more susceptible to heightened emotions. What I hear from your story is that your daughter has healthy friendships and interests outside the home, which suggests to me that she is able to regulate her emotions outside of the home in a way that is socially acceptable. I am wondering how much effort this takes her, in the context of ADHD? Is it possible that when she gets home she needs the comfort zone of her bed and her room? In addition, is she so "done" from the effort of her day, that she turns off the social niceties towards you and your husband, who clearly offer her unconditional love?
I'm not saying this is ok, just a thought. In terms of dealing with this behaviour I would continue to be very clear on the rules (as you clearly have been with the door open and phone policies). I would also communicate your concerns in a clear and concise manner. For example state your issue, listen to what she has to say, communicate back to her your understanding of her message (so you are on the same page), talk in a normal tone, and say what you feel. Remember your daughter may not be ready to talk when you are. Be ready for the moment when she is more communicative (in the car? when her sister is present?) so that conversation around the issue does not start off on an emotionally charged note. Perhaps the conversation can even be directed as a more general family conversation, that does not necessarily target her but gets the point across?
Thank you so much. I think you’re totally right on and since I posted this I did contact her school counselor. She reiterated much of what you said and reassured me that she doesn’t see anything that really concerns her. That has made me relax a little bit, especially about the room. We had thought about it and realize that at that age we spent a ton of time in our rooms as well. I’m trying not to take that personally and perhaps cause trouble when there wasn’t any to begin with. And I’m definitely trying to cut any lectures short!
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