I'd really love any of your thoughts and suggestions! Our older kid was never really moody, so it's hard to know whether almost 14 year old daughter is a "normal" teenager, or if this is beyond normal. It's definitely beyond what's sustainable.
We're happy and have fun in our family. Luckily, most things are smooth sailing around here. She does fair-to-good in school, feels she has a LOT of friends. She likes to go out with friends and always has people to hang out with. She does not appear to struggle with anything except for the ADHD. At one point when we talked with a psychiatrist about the meds, she said she would like to talk to a therapist - "to talk". When I explained what a therapist really does and that we wouldn't go to one unless she was struggling with depression/anxiety or something, she agreed that she doesn't have any of those problems and that she didn't need to see anyone. I told her that if she did in the future, to let me know. She does play a club sport so practices 2x/week for 2 hours and tournaments begin every other weekend or so soon. She has fun with friends from sports, school, the neighborhood, a boy she is "dating", etc. almost all the time. She is laughing, talking, playing Game Pigeon, texting, snapchatting, on the rare occasion crying (rare - and I'm just saying she's normal...).
Here's the concern. When she sees us, she will immediately drawn down her face. I've seen it through the kitchen window as she's walking home from school with a friend. She'll be laughing and then see me through the window and immediately scowl or make a straight face. She'll greet her dad with a "WHAT." when he goes to her room after work and says hello to her. Her responses are rude, her face is just awful, and she makes nasty comments. It's saved JUST for us.
Now, we are in a vicious cycle. She is nasty, we give her a lecture, I'm sure it's annoying and negative, she feels bad, then she is nasty, we lecture, etc. It's horrible.
And, she essentially spends all her time in her room. We've instituted a no-door-closed rule, which helps break the divide, but this feels not good too. I do think it's an ADHD thing (and also an adolescent thing) that she's not into games, TV, and prefers to do HW (when she does it!) in her room. Sometimes she falls asleep (b/c she's literally laying in bed) but often she's watching videos on her phone, doing social media stuff, facetiming friends, or having a friend over. It's just ALWAYS in her room. I've tried saying she can't be in her bed and needs to be in a chair and bought a cool chair, but the chair is often full of crap and she's back to being in her bed. I DON'T think it's a depression thing though I'm sure it sounds really bad. I think it's literally just a comfort thing. All her stuff is there, it's comfortable and thus she's in her room all the time and when we come to try to ply her for conversation or activity, she's nasty.
I'm not totally opposed to her being in her room (though being in the bed just doesn't seem right - at least on paper). It's essentially the equivalent of a teen spending all her time in the playroom or the TV room, or some other room. At age 14, most of her free time is her own time, we're not building blocks together after school at this age. I WOULD like her to linger in the kitchen with me a little longer, and when I pass by her room (with open door), I would like to ask her questions/make comments and have her respond normally and not rudely.
We do have some good conversations. Sometimes when her sister is home, she is out with us and engaged. On our drives to places, she'll sometimes share funny stories or tell me about friends or teachers or school. But it is never in response to any questions about her day. I know some of this is normal for a teen but what's NOT normal is how her baseline feeling for us is almost like she hates us. I would say she is "normal" about 30%, acts like she doesn't like us about 50% of the time, and acts like she hates us about 20% of the time. Again, she is "normal" with friends.
We do put limits on the cell phone. It's is hard to institute it (and practically gives me anxiety anticipating her responses!) but we make her turn in her phone at about 8, and do 2 hours of phone free time on the weekends. This sometimes gives her no choice but to engage or do something productive like clean her room.
Though we probably pick our battles sometimes because she has honestly always been pretty intense, when she is really nasty we do call her out. I'm sure our responses are not great. I'm sure if I read a transcript it would sound horribly embarassing. They probably fall along the lines of "What's your deal? When you're 18, if you choose to, you can move away and never see us again but since you're here for a few more years, you need to get it together because you're being hurtful and we're the only people who unconditionally love you. Not your friends, not, blah blah blah...". I know. It's awful. This is why I really need some insight, a gameplan, or something.
If you've gotten this far, thanks so much for reading!!!