looking for advice on nightly meltdowns

[EBadhdmom]

hi everyone,

Our 10 year old son has been having horrible hour long meltdowns at bedtime in which he cries, hyperventilates, and has sometimes distressful behaviors (visualizing Fire and Water around him, scratching his skin…). They last for around three hours and there is nothing that works to help him. We’ve been told it resembles anxiety attacks, but the length of them feels like it’s more than that. He is exhausted for days after and I would love to hear if other parents have faced the same thing. It is not against us or anything, he says he can’t explain it, but it always happen when he is more tired than usual. I would love to hear tips or shared experiences! Thank you 🙏🏻

[abryans]

Poor kid! Also, poor parents! I wonder if he could be having a physical experience he can't describe? When I do long runs, I get restless legs and it is hard to take as an adult. Maybe when he is very tired, he has something like that so he can't relate and feels very uncomfortable? You have probably tried things like baths and relaxing music. I almost wonder if you should talk to a sleep specialist?

[EBadhdmom in reply to abryans]

Thank you 🙏🏻 it’s definitely a physical experience too. We are going to do an EEG and some blood work because during these crisis his body stiffens, and sometimes has sensatory reactions too. The bath helps sometimes, but not enough to prevent it. We will keep exploring 🙏🏻

[LisethHIS]

Hi EBadhdmom,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. I am sorry to hear that your son is experiencing difficulties before bedtime. It sounds like you have already explored different options, but one suggestion that might be help is maintaining consistency in his day and night routine. Here's an articles that I think it would be helpful. d393uh8gb46l22.cloudfront.n... chadd.org/about-adhd/adhd-a... chadd.org/about-adhd/adhd-a...

If there's anything else you need, please let me know.

Thank you,

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[EBadhdmom in reply to LisethHIS]

Thank you. That’s what so hard, we have a very consistent rhythm at bedtime: he doesn’t have screens yet, always goes to bed at 8:30pm, and we do all the things in the article you shared. It’s like something switches in him 20min after lights off and he just falls into huge panic and anxiety… last night I gave him Adarax (a mild antiestamine and anxiety medication, prescribed by his doc), and he finally went to sleep at 10:50pm, exhausted and so upset. It’s just horrible.

[Onthemove1971]

I recommend you "prevent" them, if possible. I always knew the triggers when our son would meltdown and I avoided it. If the problem is over an electronic device, you can punish forward. If you give fair warning then he does not get off, you calmly tell him, tomorrow there will be no electronic and you follow through.

Hope this makes sense..

Can you give us more detail about what happens before the meltdown.

[EBadhdmom in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thanks. That’s the thing, a part from him feeling tired, there is never a “trigger”. We don’t have any behavioral issue with him, he responds real well to demands and doesn’t have any screens in his life so far… not truly seeing a cause-effect link is what makes it hard to prevent I guess.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to EBadhdmom]

That explains more. This seems like a stage he is going through and he will out grow this. If you think it is becuase he didn't get enough sleep then the next day you could reduce what he does in the afternoon. So if he had activities in the afternoon, you could skip those so he could rest and get to bed on time, this helps to avoid the meltdowns. Or reduce what is asked of him in the afternoon.

If you think he is not sleeping like more quality you could consider trying Melatonin to help with quality of sleep.

Hope this makes sense..

Let us know if you find something that helps.

[Imakecutebabies]

Is he on medication? If so, check with his psychiatrist if this could be a possible rare side effect. Or, if the medication could be making him overtired by bedtime, this triggering the meltdowns. We had to adjust the timing of my son's medication a few times to make sure it didn't make him sleepy too early or too late.

[EBadhdmom in reply to Imakecutebabies]

He’s not currently on any meds. But thanks!

[Mamamichl]

I had an anxiety attack last all day a couple times. It almost for sure is an anxiety attack. Is he on any meds? Also, check in the him regularly to make sure he’s not tired. This can help him learn to listen to his body. Our bodies need sleep, and it’s important to sleep when our bodies say to. “Pushing through” hs always made things worse for me.

[EBadhdmom]

thanks so much. Yes, the tiredness is a big factor for sure, and we do our best to keep him on a very tight schedule for sleep (he goes to bed at 8:30pm!). He has not been on medication but his doctor just gave us something to give him during the attack. I’m sorry to read yours lasted so long too, but it helps to understand that can also be “normal” in this case 🙏🏻

[2ADHDkids]

I’m sorry for your son and for you. My 10 yr old daughter has had and is having similar challenges arising at bedtime. Since infancy, getting to sleep has never been easy for her, and it seems she’s always struggled to calm her body and mind at bedtime.

Last year, she’d cry for up to an hour at bedtime because she hated her teacher and didn’t want to go to school. Now, she’s having near panic attacks at bedtime. She’s not at the point of hyperventilating, but she says her stomach hurts and she can’t shake the feeling that she will throw up.

Anxiety bubbles up at night when we are tired and most vulnerable, which is probably why they struggle at this time. I wish I had advice for how to help bring them back from/out of that highly deregulated state.

We stay with her and assure her that she’s safe and she’s going to be okay. I used to tell her chances are she won’t throw up because she’s just not a puker - she’s only puked maybe 5 times in her life. But now I just tell her that she can handle it if she does. Regardless of what happens, she’s safe and she is strong enough to handle it.

I’ve tried a sachet of lavender on her pillow and told her it has a calming effect. I’ve thought about melatonin gummies and telling her they help with sleep. Sometimes just the promise of an aide will help. Also, we haven’t don’t this in a while, but a warm bubble bath with lavender essential oils and the lights really dimmed or off with a night light…if only there were enough hours in the day to pull this off as part of the regular bed time routine. Before it broke, I’d also just a diffuser with lavender essential oil in it.

[Listening1]

HiIs your son on meds? Do you think it may be wearing off around bedtime? You can have a conversation with the doctor if that's the case.

Also , I know this sounds like preaching because I have been given the same advice that I am about to give you and it feels like preaching but please know that I am not preaching to you.

My son used to have similar behavior before bed. I learned that the meltdowns are also all a part of their emotional regulation and over time it improves . We as parents just need to provide them with the love and support that they need. Remember they are having a hard time with what they are feeling and cannot always put it in words to us.

Some suggestions given to me were...

A sport or physical activity to help with serotonin etc. and help make him tired enough to be more relaxed at bedtime. Relaxed in general.

Also shutting down screens and devices at least one hour before bed. Lower stimulation the closer you get to bedtime

Have an activity that he likes incorporated in your bedtime routine.

Start the bedtime routine earlier and make it more gradual so he doesn't feel pressured

Try to do the same thing every night. Consistency is very key with ADHD children.

I will tell you that these suggestions don't work over night . They seem simple but if you are consistent they will work over time.

It is very important for you to give yourself some grace . Parenting ADHD children is not easy and you have two! Be kind to yourself. Don't feel like seeing a lack of results means you aren't doing the right thing. This is not true. It all takes time. Keep your goals with parenting small, take your time and most of all stay consistent. My son is 11 and now I can see some of the hard work, tears , and effort that I have put in starting to bud in very little ways. We are not there yet. We still have meltdowns but they are less frequent . I am becoming optimistic for the first time in years. It will happen for you too.!!!

It took a long time but I see tiny improvements with my son . It started to hit home for me that ADHD kids thrive on consistentcy. I also began to notice a difference in the quality of meltdowns. I slowly was able to talk him through them and watch him manage his emotions. He would talk to me about how he's feeling until he's able to sort his way through his feelings.

Continue to show them love and support and remain calm as you have been and you will see some results eventually.

[Aspen797]

Is there a common event occurring the next day that he may be anxious about (school, etc) ? Was there a sleep over where an event occurred that upset him? No answers here, but lots of sympathy. So sorry you’re all going through this.