Hi there, I am new here and looking for advice and maybe some tips . My 5 yr old son has been having some issues and we are to the point now where we have talked to his pediatrician and family doctor that he might either be adhd or be on the autism spectrum.
He has struggled with his speech since he was very young and has gone through speech therapy twice. June being the end of the second round. He likes to self inflict when he either gets disciplined (not physically obviously)or angry. Banging his head, hitting his leg against a wall or hitting his head with his fist. In the last 3 months he has been through 3 different day homes as he is hurting and hitting other kids and the dayhome people say they can’t handle him. He can’t really express why he is upset other than what he did to himself “mommy I banged my leg” or “I hurt my leg”. He is though very empathetic when he does hurt someone. He apologizes right away and tries to give them a hug. So I feel like he knows what he is doing but I just don’t know why. We are very careful of what he watches and listens to.
He did start kindergarten beginnig. This Sept and his teacher pulled me aside on the second day and told me that she is going to have a very hard time with him. He cannot sit still if his life depended on it. He interrupts the teacher during lessons by singing to himself or rolling on the floor, dancing, looking around etc. he cannot focus on the task at hand. If the teacher asks him to do a craft he seems to be very overwhelmed with what she asks. He ends up doing his own thing and not completely anything. Mind you there are 20 kids in his class which his teacher says is very hard for her to focus on him more than the other kids.
At this point I’m more upset feeling like no one wants to really help my son at the school or daycare but more shove him off to the next person. This will be his school for the next 9 years so I really want to make this work but I also don’t want to leave him somewhere that will not help him.
thanks for listening!
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Frustratedmama
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Welcome! I hear the pain in your message and I am sorry for your struggles. Many of us have been in your shoes amd hope you find the group supportive. Your child's family doctor is the place to start. Do you think teaching him a few basic sign language ( more, please, help, etc ) signs could help him?. This will in no way impact him speaking, but could be a way for him to express himself when frustrated.
Getting the proper diagnosis for your son is very important and we can be here to support you through that.
Most children with ADHD benefit from the following: therapy (depending on the outcome of the diagnosis), medication and educational support.
Until you learn more about any potential diagnosis giving him tools to help him control himself will be helpful.
Our son did the same, apologize and show remorse when he has done something hurtful and he really meant it.
It's helpful to learn that behavior is a form of communication. Most children do not wake up and say " I want to be bad and get in trouble". Providing them tools and support will help while you are on this journey.
I knew before having kids I would need to take extra precautions to help them develop emotional coping skills as their father had several mental health diagnosis. As such we began labeling, describing and normalizing emotions immediately. We also started practicing emotional coping skills. Anger, in particular. Even now when they are 12, 10 and 3 we practice openly at home. This looks like telling them that it's ok to feel _____ but what do they need to do instead of yelling or being physical? You take deep breaths, do jumping jacks, stomping circles or run the path. As adults we do these as well. They know they've pushed me when I start doing jumping jacks.It's not perfect. We still have instances and reminders are still given but it helps, a lot.
As far as the school, do they have fidget desks? My son had one k-2 and it helped. Also, maybe he should just wait another year before going to school. I know we are keeping our youngest home until she is 6 because she is just a lot.
I don't know what your situation is but if you can help out in class and be as lovely as possible to the teacher it helps. They're more likely to try with your kid if they like you.
Been there! I have 2 kids, both with autism and ADHD, and they're very different from each other but share some similar challenges (and obviously their diagnoses). I have been on this road 9 years, since our son was 3 and began having similar behaviors to the ones you are describing, and although I can now discuss it without crying, it remains a situation my husband and I are constantly pivoting around to stay on top of.
I'm sorry, it is really devastating as a parent to hear that your child is struggling to a degree that is interfering with their ability to function in the classroom. My first reaction was "these people are idiots and just don't know how to handle our kid." However, as I gradually absorbed what I was being told, and looked at the data forms with teachers' responses to how he was behaving, I realized the time drain and impact his behavior would have on a class of 25 kids. 1 teacher would be putting out fires, so to speak, with his behavior while trying to handle 24 other kids? I'm afraid that wouldn't have worked in a classroom. It felt absolutely awful. Why on earth was he acting this way? What had we done wrong? My husband and I never got any negative behavior reports our entire school careers! What was happening? We begged, pleaded, stood on our heads, anything to convince him to act right in class. And it had zero impact on his behavior. He truly could not control his behavior in class--because he has neurodevelopmental disorders.
I don't know if you're in the US or UK from your post. If you're in the US, I would request a referral ASAP to whoever your child's doctor uses for an autism evaluation. This is typically either a child psychologist with special training and experience in autism diagnosis, or a developmental-behavioral pediatrician. If possible, your child should be evaluated for both autism and ADHD, as from what you're describing, it is possible he could have both conditions. (I am not saying he does. I am merely saying he needs to be referred to someone who can evaluate him for both at the same evaluation process; otherwise, you will be doing double the evaluations and that can be very time consuming and frustrating). Particularly because your son had a speech delay, he needs a very good evaluation for autism. I would also wonder if he actually still needs speech therapy. I am betting he is struggling to communicate, even if it's less "pronouncing words" and more social communication, social nuances, and understanding situations and those aspects of communication? A really good speech evaluation is probably warranted, too. School district speech therapy evaluations only focus on speech deficits related to academic performance or classroom goals, not social interactions, etc. Many very frustrated, angry-appearing kids actually are acting out b/c of difficulty communicating and simply freeze and lash out either at themselves or others.
Is your child attending a public school? If so, can the school start an evaluation for at least a 504 plan, if he doesn't qualify for an IEP? It may provide additional support for him in the classroom. I would encourage you to continue in the public school system, because typically the public schools are where the best support is for kids with these challenges (unless you have a large budget for private schools that specialize in ADHD, etc.)
I am so sorry your child and your family are in such pain right now. I hope I wasn't too brusque in what I am saying---I mostly am trying to suggest things to do and avoid the pain and struggle our family faced. It is so isolating, because every other family always looks so lucky. Their kids look so calm and together, and then I have my kids! But when I look at what my 2 kids have learned, the milestones they have achieved, the communication skills and emotional management skills they have now compared to a few years ago---it is hard to believe they're the same kids. Only compare your precious son to where he used to be. Hugs to you.
Thank you so much for your support and advice. We are in Canada so it’s a little different but he have him in a catholic school. And they don’t seem very helpful right now more like wanting to pawn him on others.
We have his pediatrician working to find out what is going on with him. He is being evaluated for both adhd and autism but man does it take so much time. Very frustrating as I know my son is struggling and there is nothing I can do to speed up the process. I just hope that we get there sooner rather than later.
I don’t know how informed the Catholic schools are there. I don’t want to make assumptions. My experience here in a major US metro area has been that our parochial schools have struggled to meet the type of needs my son (autism, ADHD, normal range IQ) has. They cannot meet the needs of a child with those needs & an IQ in the intellectual disability range. Canada is so different from the US that I don’t know. Hugs coming your way. Keep being a wonderful mom.
That age is so hard with ADHD! Especially before you have the right tools. I would follow up with the pediatrician for better diagnosis. You can try ADHD meds which can be really God sent for getting kids through school with less drama. That self harm can also be anxiety. Kids with ADHD are definitely prone to that. My son is 9 and has scratched his face up cause he was embarrassed. Since being on meds it hasn’t happened again. God standard treatment for anxiety is counseling/behavioral training which your pediatrician can also point you in the right direction. While you wait for diagnosis and possibly meds have him get as much outside time as possible. Maybe get a cheap little indoor trampoline to let him jump on before/after school to burn off some steam. Hang in there mom, with the right help things can get better!!!
Behavior at school sounds like ADHD. Might he also have some anxiety? His empathy argues against an autism spectrum disorder. Focus on the behaviors that are interfering with daily functioning more than a label. Agree with evaluation.
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