Another Frustrating Start to the School Year

[adhdsuperheromom]

My son had struggled his whole life with making friends. Either the ones who wanna be his friend he ends up being rude to. Or the ones he wants to be friends with (the “in” crowd) just bully and make fun of him. Kids can be very cruel but my son can also be very annoying and I don’t think he understands it. I try to explain to him that you can’t be rude to someone and expect them to want to be friends with you. He picks fights with other students their parents ask to meet with me. It doesn’t get better and he even got into a fight where 3 people were just fed up with him being rude and his trash talk they beat him up. I’m so frustrated and super stressed at work because I’m afraid the school is gonna call and tell me he has been hurt. I’m a teacher by the way. Just got finished crying because I just want to one school year where I’m not called to the school about his behavior. I advocate for him and he ends up misbehaving and making me look as if I’m just pacifying his behavior. I’m tired of being stressed. I know this may sound cruel but I’m even thinking of alternative school or boarding school for him.

[BLC89]

Hello adhdsuperheromom,

I am sorry the school year is off to a poor start. Don't beat yourself up for being tired and looking for alternatives that will lighten your load. That is a perfectly normal reaction.

You don't mention the age of your son but keep in mind that his executive function is 30% behind his age. So a 10 year old is closers to 7 years old when it comes to impulse control. If his is officially diagnosed then the school should offer some accommodation for him. He may need more time to wiggle! I heard once that exercise can be put in an IEP or 504 plan. So if he has more high cardio he may be better able to curb his reactions to others. More meaning most days of the week, 30+ minutes/day high cardio.

You also don't mention if he is on medications. Medications can truly be life changing for the ADHDer and everyone involved with them. It creates the brain chemistry to enable learning new executive functions effectively. It creates the environment in which neuroplasticity can really be used to your advantage.

So you may have conversations with your son about how to interact, and he understands everything you are explaining, and he wants to and plans to do better but in the moment that just isn't an option. He emotional gatekeeper is 30% younger/weaker than he is.

Depending on his age there is most likely a school year in his future that is much more smooth. Give him the tools he needs - medication, more exercise, etc - and explain to him that you understand that in the moment it is really really hard to control himself. You want him to be successful and you need his help to get there.

If you explain that he is wired differently, if you haven't already, and that the other kids don't get where he is coming from that may help. You can tell him that because he is wired differently his sense of humor, trash talking, doesn't make sense to other kids. It is taken at face value and really hurts their feelings, and when boys feelings are hurt they get mad and potentially beat you up.

Ask him some of the things he says and then ask if he would like it if you or anyone else said that to him and he didn't know you were kidding. How would that feel to him? If he flippantly says "That would be great!" ask him to slow down and really try to think about it. Let him know that you know he is very clever and can actually picture and understand what that would feel like. Or ask him how it would be to say that to someone like you or grandma or someone else he really cares about but they don't know he is trying to make a joke. How would grandma feel for instance?

If he is in early years of school then you definitely have better years ahead and much growing from him in the area of executive function. If he is in higher grades then he may need some counseling support + exercise + medication. And do the math, how young is 30% less than he is now? That is a huge gap and not always easy to keep in mind.

I hope that helps,

BLC89

full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach, I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and have raised two children with ADHD.

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to BLC89]

Thank you for your suggestions. I am not a fan of meditations we have tried them and they had horrible side affects and his behavior really did not improve. We have spoken with the school and they have put some plans in place to help him.

[Aspen797 in reply to adhdsuperheromom]

You might want to speak with his doctor about Genesight testing? It helps inform you and the pediatrician about which medications would work and which would cause side effects. It can also tell if your son is deficient in ability to process folate (affects behavior/mood) and might need a methylfolate / methycobalamin supplement.

[BLC89 in reply to adhdsuperheromom]

I totally get that, everyone's chemistry is different. I'm glad the school has a plan in place, maybe incorporate movement in the plan too. Sometimes the urge to move and being restricted from that can create huge frustration that comes out in other ways. Here's to a great school year,

BLC89

[insideoutbutterfly]

Hi adhd superheromom

I hear your struggle, ugh it’s hard being a mother. I will share in hindsight moving our daughter to a school where they knew ADHD was the best thing we could have done for our daughter’s mental health and social skills. She attended Bayhill High School in Berkeley, Ca. Also we used a virtual school program for a while to reduce her anxiety. I know this type of alternative educating is not available to everyone but I will share our daughter become a changed student from this experience, she discovered how to embrace her way of learning. Good luck super hero mom, remember you are the best!!

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to insideoutbutterfly]

Thank you for the support. We are currently working with the school to provide some guidance to help him adjust to school.

[Uptowngirl12121]

Hi adhdsuperheromom,

Thanks for sharing in this forum. You've said things that resonate with me. The part about advocating then feeling like you are justifying the behavior - been there. The social dance of rudeness to the undesired children and bullied by the "in" group - been there. I took those problems separately for my child. For rudeness and better conversational skills we did and will continue a social skills group. (I've heard pragmatic speech therapy is helpful.) For bullying I made it the school's problem to stop it - they didn't. We've switched schools to one that is more responsive to bullying issues. For now... it's working. No bullying is occurring and I hope he will acquire a "bestie."

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to Uptowngirl12121]

Thank you. How do I seek out a social group and go about incorporating it for my son. The school seems more focused on what he is doing now because they feel he is seeking out these behaviors when it’s really him just being impulsive and sad to say traumatized from being bullied at his last school. I’m hoping he will find a bestie too it breaks my heart he hasn’t found one yet because I do believe that would make a huge difference with him needing to “fit” in

[Uptowngirl12121 in reply to adhdsuperheromom]

Hi adhdsuperhero mom

There are a few avenues. We are taking classes on outschool.com which is virtual. Maybe you can try there. If you are seeking something IRL we were made aware of two local groups (Lego play groups) when we were seeking our child's diagnosis through some local experts. I don't know your child's age but I would say if you can find some local behavioral and learning disorder specialists or perhaps you work with already, they may be able to link you into social groups which often they are hosts. These are the things that have worked for me for now and I think this is a common issue so once you start looking I bet you'll find something that can work for you too! Good luck.

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to Uptowngirl12121]

Thank you thank you so much!

[eva2022]

I’m so sorry. We struggle with making and keeping friends as well. Our son has ASD and ADHD and he just doesn’t ‘get’ kids all the time.

One thing that helped us was a book called ‘The Social Detective’. I was able to request it through our local library exchange. It uses the phrases ‘expected’ vs ‘unexpected’ behaviors to teach kids social skills.

The other program that we use was developed by a speech language pathologist. It is called ‘Superflex’ and uses different villains like ‘Wasfunnyonce’ and ‘Rock Brain’ that can be defeated social understanding and flexibility.

We are in your corner. You are not the only one by far to have a child struggle like this ❤️

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to eva2022]

Thank you! The main reason I joined this group was because I was feeling so overwhelmed and depressed about my son’s ADHD. I needed support and unfortunately wasn’t getting it from my family who were very judgmental and not really supportive not truly trying to understand his why behind things. This group has really given me hope along with lots of prayers.

[Aspen797]

good ideas above. One more resource is the UCLA Peers program which utilizes video modeling and practice to learn how to make and be a friend. semel.ucla.edu/peers/teens

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to Aspen797]

Oh how I love that idea. We are in North Carolina so I’m not sure if they have this type of program but thank you for providing the link. I will research if we have anything similar here. Again thank you

[Aspen797 in reply to adhdsuperheromom]

They offer online classes as well as in person. We are doing the online version now. If you hunt around a bit on their website you can find a list of people/organizations who have completed a training in how to teach this to others. There may be a provider closer to you? We could not find one near us which is how we ended up online. It is not cheap, but it does make you practice. If you think you and your teen can practice without prompting, they sell a book that is verbatim what they teach.

[adhdsuperheromom in reply to Aspen797]

Thank you for letting me know that. I will research this.